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Five-Minute "The Way to Eden"


Spock: There's the stolen ship, Captain.
Kirk: Ah, yes. The Aurora. Rumored to be pirated by a group of space groupies. Stand by tractor beam!
Sulu: The ships engines are overtaxed! Without representation!
Spock: You can tell by the ship's red glow that it is moments from explosion.
Kirk: Mmm... Kirk to transporter room: Beam me up some red-hot groupies.

Captain's Log: We've finally got a chance to replenish our stores. Our groupie supply has been dwindling in proportion to our medical marijuana supply.

Kirk: Greetings, inductees. Welcome to the Enterprise! Now, if you'll follow me to the briefing room, we'll go over a few ground rules.
Hippies: No go! No go!
Kirk: Wait a second... you've got a different speaker credit and half of you are male -- you're not groupies, you're hippies!
Spock: I think I understand these people. May I, Captain?
Kirk: Make it quick.
Spock: (ahem) MumblemumbleONEmumblemumblePEACEmumblemumblemumbleHARMONYmumble.
Dr. Sevrin: MumblemumblemumbleGROOVYmumblemumblePOTmumblemumbleHERBERTmumblemumble.
Spock: I believe we have reached an agreement, Captain. They will stay aboard our ship as guests.
Kirk: If they must, so be it.
Spock: Also, they respectfully request access to our medical marijuana supply.
Kirk: Noooooo!

Chekov: Captain, I think I know one of those hippies. Her name was Irini Galliulin. She and I were in the Academy together.
Kirk: One of those was in the Academy?
Chekov: Yes sir. Just think of them as a proto-Maquis.
Kirk: I'd rather not.

Spock: Our guests are in sickbay, Captain.
Kirk: Pfft, some guests they are. These guys use even more pot than the groupies, yet there's none of the adoration. It's all contempt. Contempt!
Spock: Your pontifications on life are profound, Jim.
Kirk: Damn skippy. By the by, what's a Herbert?
Spock: Somewhat synonymous with "square", "fossil", "stick in the mud", "fuddy-dudd--"
Kirk: So it's just a poor attempt by the writers to coin a pop culture insult?
Spock: Correct, Captain.

Adam: Lalalala!
Tongo: Your dated music inspires dopey smiles in us all!
Chekov: (upon entering) Is Irini here?
Irini: I'm right in front of you.
Chekov: Sorry. I didn't recognize you with so few clothes on.
Irini: Let us reminisce upon our past!
Chekov: I'd much rather use a frown to indicate disapproval, as I have been given no dialogue adequate for such a purpose.
Irini: Does it have to do with our lack of respect for authority, our lack of attire, or our goofy, embarrassing songs?
Chekov: Yes.

Sevrin: I refuse to accept your findings!
Kirk: What's the matter here, Bones?
McCoy: He's the carrier of a deadly disease. We have to isolate him, or the others will contract it too.
Kirk: Heheheh. "Bones".
McCoy: Sigh.

Captain's Log: These hippies are all over the ship attempting to incite rebellion. Spock, being the hippie he is, has been sent to negotiate.
Spock: Wait a minute, I'm cold and emotionless, and you're ALL about the free love. Which one of us is the hippie again?
I said negotiate, dammit.

Spock: Doctor, I'm here asking you to persuade your followers to stop inciting the crew.
Sevrin: No, we must get to Eden!
Spock: Great, not another one of these....
Sevrin: What was that?
Spock: Nothing. Say, if you get them to stop, we can use the Enterprise to locate your "Eden".
Sevrin: Why'd you make the quotation mark gesture when you said that?
Spock: "No reason".

Adam: Hey, Vulcboy! I came to ask you to join me for a jam session later.
Spock: "Vulcboy"?
Adam: Come on, didn't your captain order that we all cooperate?
Spock: I don't think that's what he meant.
Adam: Come on, it'll be groovy!
Spock: (sigh) I won't be mentioning this in my memoir.

Irini: What are you doing?
Chekov: I am helping Spock locate your "Eden".
Irini: How can you do that?
Chekov: We are examining gravitational forces and looking for previously uncharted planets to --
Irini: Shut up and kiss me!
Chekov: This was the least romantic scene ever.

Adam: Lalalala!
Mavig: Lalalalalalalala! C'mon, join us Spock!
Spock: "La".
Adam: Hooray! Harmony!
(The audience claps)
Spock: This was the least musical scene ever.

Loudspeaker: Lalalala--
Kirk: Why is this being broadcast all over the ship? And didn't this scene just finish?
Scotty: There's an eight second delay in the broadcast, Captain.
Kirk: Why would --
Spock: (over the comm) Man, how the *BEEP* did I get dragged into this *BEEP*?
Kirk: Ah.

Sulu: Captain, power has been rerouted to auxiliary control!
Sevrin: (over the comm) Your ship is now mine. We are setting a course for Eden.
Kirk: But how do you know where Edenmmphh!
Spock: (whispering, with hand over Kirk's mouth) Chekov and I have been searching for uncharted planets.
Kirk: That doesn't make any sense. They could end up anywh-- (pause) Spock, you are one evil, remorseless bastard.
Spock: Thank you, Captain.

Tongo: We are 3 hours away from Eden. Now entering orbit.
Sevrin: That makes little sense, but it is good news nonetheless. Let us use our acoustic weapon against the crew and make our escape.
Adam: Lalalalalala--
Sevrin: No, no -- the other acoustic weapon.
Adam: Aw.

Sonic Whistle: Whirrrrrr!
Spock: Ack! Curse my Vulcan ears!
Kirk: Hocus Pocus Alakaz-- Aaggh! Curse my human ears!
(The hippies flee)
Spock: Captain, quick! You must use that panel to disable these electric acoustics!
Kirk: Heh. Wasn't that one hippie playing an acoustic-electric?
Spock: NOW!

Spock: According to our scans, the hippies should be just over that ridge.
McCoy: Could it be? Have they actually found Eden?
Chekov: Gaahhh! The acidic plant life burns my delicate Russian hands!
Kirk: Ah... paradise.

Spock: This body is Adam's. He appears to have been a victim of allegory.
Irini: Captain! This planet's vegetation has burned our barely-clad bodies!
McCoy: I'll have to get these people to the ship.
Sevrin: No! We aren't leaving! I must taste the fruit of paradise!
Spock: I guess this is what happens when you pick a random planet and call it "Eden".
Sevrin: (chomp) Oh no, I'm naked! GAK!

Kirk: Now then, it's time to replenish our stores.
Sulu: (sigh) Setting a course for Groupion IV.
Kirk: Hooray!
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 19, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, IJD GAF.