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Five-Minute "Where No Man Has Gone Before"

by Zeke

Spock: Check! Bwahahahahaha! In yo' face!
Kirk: Way to go, pointy. Our very first scene, and you forget you're supposed to be the logical Spock rather than the shouting-across-the-bridge Spock.
Spock: An unfortunate turn of events.
Kirk: What, don't I get an apology?
Spock: Regret is an emotion. I have none.
Kirk: Well, better late than never, I guess.

Kelso: Sensors are detecting a --
Kirk: Beam it aboard.
Kelso: Are you sure? Could be risky.
Kirk: Risk? Risk is our business! That's what this starship is all abou--
Spock: Ahem. Jim? Not till the one where we switch brains with robots.
Kirk: Oh yeah. Sorry.

Kirk: Okay, activate the transporter.
Scotty: You mean the materializer, right?
Kirk: Materializer? Yeesh, even Archer called it a transporter! What kind of losers are we?

Spock: It seems to be the black box from a 200-year-old ship. Shall I tell the senior officers?
Kirk: Are you kidding? I'm gonna tell the whole crew. Kirk to all hands....
Spock: What are you doing? We barely have any information! You'll just confuse those brain-dead saps.
Kirk: We're live.
Spock: Uh oh.

Kirk: This meeting will now come to order. We'll start by going around the table and introducing ourselves.
Piper: I'm Dr. Piper. Think of me as a beta version of McCoy.
Dehner: I'm Elizabeth Dehner, Caucasian female supporting character of the week, and I think I'm some kind of psychiatrist.
Mitchell: Hi, all you ladies out there. I'm Gary Mitchell, Kirk's best and therefore most ill-fated friend. I'm 23 years old, currently residing in the metropolitan Galactic Barrier area, and I enjoy stamp collecting and long walks on the beach.
Kirk: All of you, welcome aboard and enjoy your oh-so-brief stay. Now shut up so Spock can concentrate.

Recording: Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla....
Spock: Fortunately, my ears are sharp enough to hear each voice individually.
Kirk: So what are they saying?
Spock: "Bla bla bla bla bla...."

Kirk: And now for our first attempt to pierce the Galactic Barrier and die in the vast, starless void beyond.
Sulu: We're ready to go -- just speak the catch phrase.
Kirk: Catch phrase?
Sulu: Well, yeah. Every captain has one.
Kirk: Okay, um..."engage."
Sulu: Taken.
Kirk: "Do it"?
Sulu: Taken.
Kirk: "Let's go"?
Sulu: Taken.
Kirk: Just move the ship before I punch you in the eye.
Sulu: That's probably not taken, but I don't think it's -- OW!
Kirk: And now, onward! Onward we go, to expand the frontiers of human exploration and become legends!

Spock: Well, that was a bust.
Kirk: Oh, shut up.
Mitchell: Ooof...what hit me? Jim, you really suck.
Spock: Yeah, Jim.
Kirk: Quiet, both of you. At least we all lived.
Piper: (over the comm) What are you talking about? We lost nine crew!
Kirk: Yes, but they're dead, so I wasn't counting them under "we all."

Captain's Log: I'll have to make up for this failure by killing somebody. Of course, there's no one on the ship I'm allowed to kill right now, but the hour is young.

Spock: The Valiant crew were looking up ESP trivia just before they died. I think we should do the same.
Kirk: What, and invite death? Stupid Vulcan.
Dehner: I agree with Spock.
Kirk: And that, my dear, is why I have installed a special device in my ears that prevents me from hearing you.

Mitchell: It hurt at first, but now I feel great. Godlike, in fact.
Kirk: Do I ever know that feeling.

Dehner: So.
Mitchell: So.
Dehner: Oh, I can't take it anymore! Kiss me, you fool!
Mitchell: Calm down, Elizabeth. You know how these setups work. We're still in the tension stage.
Dehner: But what if you kill me before we reach the resolution stage?
Mitchell: My dear, I would never do such a thing. Now be quiet while I demonstrate my mad ESP skills.

Kelso: So Mitchell tells me to check the engines, right? And --
Kirk: Bla, bla, bla. Nobody needs to hear your life story. Did you find a problem or not?
Kelso: Yeah. And there was a little "I Told You So" sign pointing at it.
Kirk: Well, hard evidence is fine, but I prefer speculation. Spock?
Spock: I speculate that we're really really screwed. Sulu will give you the math.
Sulu: Mitchell's powers are doubling every day. Think of it this way, sir: suppose you make one penny today, then two pennies tomorrow, four pennies the next day, and so on. Know what happens after a month? You get busted for forgery.
Kirk: I'm not sure I followed that.
Spock: Try "us good, Gary bad."
Kirk: Hmmm...yeah, that's better. Let's dump him on a planet and run.

Mitchell: Well, you've beamed me to the planet. Now you'll be able to recharge your crippled engines while I remain safely trapped behind a force field.
Kirk: Good recap.
Mitchell: Thanks. Say, is that a phaser rifle?
Kirk: Spock! I told you not to bring that in here. I don't like the symbolism.
Spock: Look, this is the only time you'll ever get to use one, so just enjoy it. Now pay attention. There are two settings: stun and kill.
Kirk: What if I confuse them?
Spock: Doesn't matter. They're both essentially "frag."

Kirk: Okay, I'm leaving for a while. Can I trust you not to cause trouble?
Kelso: (over the comm) AAAAAAA! Oh God, Mitchell's killing me with his brain!
Mitchell: Of course, Captain.
Kirk: Good.

Piper: Wake up, Jim.
Kirk: Whoa! Where am I?
Piper: On the planet. Mitchell left after killing Kelso and putting you and Spock to sleep.
Kirk: How did he do that?
Piper: According to our security camera, he started reading out the script of Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
Kirk: That explains us, but what about Kelso?
Piper: Our theory is that he found it really exciting and died of shock.

Dehner: Okay, so now we're gods. Can there be kissage yet?
Mitchell: How impatient you are. Why should we rush?
Dehner: Maybe because Kirk is coming to kick our behinds?
Mitchell: Pfft. Kirk? I doubt that guy could outwit a Gorn.

Kirk: Okay, Jim, time for a plan. Let's see... first, I talk to him and get him to surrender... then I drop the Enterprise on him! Perfect! Oh, hi.
Dehner: Hi. Why doesn't your plan involve that phaser rifle you're carrying?
Kirk: Oh, this? Well, I... um... what phaser rifle?
Dehner: You're uncomfortable with it because it's a phallic symbol, aren't you?
Kirk: I've had enough of your psychiatric mumbo-jumbo. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go clean Gary's co-- CLOCK! I said clock!

Mitchell: You dare to challenge me? Fool! Bwahahaha!
Kirk: I was thinking more of convincing Lizzie there to betray you.
Mitchell: She'd never do that. Not before getting that kiss she wants, anyway.
Kirk: How 'bout it, baby? Wanna help the Studmeister kick this himbo's candy @$$?
Dehner: How can I resist when you put it that way?
Mitchell: Oh crap.

Kirk: Sorry you got, you know, killed.
Dehner: Meh, no biggie. It was... fun....
Kirk: Why do I feel like I just looked into my own grave?

Captain's Log: BOOYEAH! Who's da man? Who's da man?

Spock: Too bad about Gary.
Kirk: Don't give me that. You grabbed his job before the ink on the death certificate dried.
Spock: I'm sympathetic, not stupid. There's still one problem to resolve, though. What did you say was on the tombstone Gary made you?
Kirk: "James R. Kirk."
Spock: Right. What's with that? A god wouldn't make such a grave mistake.
Kirk: What mistake? It was a sentence: "James are Kirk." Which I are.
Spock: Hmm... becoming the brains of this outfit may be easier than I expected.
(The Enterprise warps off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 22, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Zeke.