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Five-Minute Star Wars

by Kira

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, the Rebel Alliance has won their first victory against the sinister Galactic Empire. Boy, are they in for a smackdown now....

Rebel Ship: Fzzt fzzt -- oh, who are we kidding anyways?

Imperial Soldier: The files are not in the main computer, Lord Vader.
Vader: Damn! (strangling Rebel soldier) Where are those transmissions?
Rebel Soldier: Ack... diplomatic... urk... mission....
Vader: Perhaps you'll be more cooperative if I choke you to death!
Rebel Soldier: GAK!
Vader: Hm... maybe I should have thought that through first.

C3PO: We're going to die! This is the end! Oh, why does everything always happen to me?
R2D2: beep boop deboop
C3PO: Don't be ridiculous, I'm quite agitated and worried. Honestly, how could anyone be gay when we're under attack?

Leia: Darth Vader. I should have known you were behind this.
Vader: Well, I've pretty much got a monopoly in the evil overlord business.

C3PO: Another fine mess you've gotten us into, dipstick. I've got sand everywhere! You do whatever you want -- I'm going this way.
R2D2: bipboop dedap beep boopboop!
C3PO: I've had just about enough of this. Haven't you ever heard the story of the droid who cried wolf?
R2D2: blip dedoop boop deep!
C3PO: Well, I don't care if there was a wolf at the end of that story.

Stormtrooper 1: Look -- droid parts.
Stormtrooper 2: The footsteps lead off in this direction. Let's go.
Stormtrooper 1: We'd be making much better time if we didn't have all these dewbacks slowing us down.
Stormtrooper 2: We have -- hey, where did those come from?

C3PO: A transport! Hurrah! I'm saved!
(Later, in the hold of the Jawa transport)
R2D2: beboop zoop blip blip
C3PO: Oh, like you're so brilliant yourself.

Owen: Hey, you! How much for this protocol droid, and that R2 unit that's drawing on the side of your transport?
Jawa: Utinni!
Owen: Sold! How come they're so cheap?
Jawa: Utinni! Utinni!
Owen: "Wanted by the entire Galactic Empire"? My Jawa must be a little rusty.

Luke: Stupid chores! Stupid Uncle Owen! Stupid Tatooine!
C3PO: Pardon me, Master Luke, but are you always this whiny?
Luke: Yes. Are you always this annoying?
C3PO: Yes.
Luke: Great, we should get along splendidly.

Holo-Leia: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.
Luke: Wow, she's hot!
C3PO: Nonsense. Master Luke isn't a sick pervert.

Luke: Maybe once we've got these new droids working, I could go join the Rebels. I've been doing target practice on womp rats.
Owen: Don't be stupid, boy. Dropping bombs on womp rats in Beggar's canyon is no way to practice for space battles.

Luke: Oh no! Where's R2?
C3PO: I'm sorry, sir, I tried to stop him. Well, no I didn't. He ran off.
Luke: He what? Is he trying to get me killed?
C3PO: I wouldn't be at all surprised, sir.

Sand Person 1: Look, the droid was right -- here he comes. Let's shoot him.
Sand Person 2: No, fool, let's wait until we're near enough that he can appreciate our fashion sense before we kill him.

Luke: There you are! What do you think you're doing?
R2D2: beep bip dadoop boop
C3PO: And why should Master Luke take two steps to the left, after what you've done?
Luke: Phew, that was close. Another couple of steps to the left and I'd have been a goner.

Luke: Hm. I see the Sand People's banthas, but where... oh, there's one.
C3PO: Oh dear!
Luke: Don't worry, he's really far away. Wait, I have the binoculars on backwards... oh, crap.
(Whack! Slam! Bam!)
Sand Person 1: I have delivered the smackdown. Go me!
Sand Person 2: Look! Over there!
Sand Person 1: Oh God, no! His robe looks better than ours! We must flee!

Luke: This droid says he belongs to you.
Obi-Wan: I've never seen him before in my life.
R2D2: beepboop beblip deep doop bloop
Obi-Wan: I think I'd remember something like that. Come, young Luke, let us gather up the pieces of your cowardly droid and come to my hut where I'll talk you into a quest that will lead you away from everything you've ever known and change your life forever. And I have Tang.
Luke: Sweet! Tang!

Obi-Wan: Yes, your father was a Jedi Knight like myself. He went ev... um, was betrayed and murdered by a pupil of mine. Yes.
Luke: I don't believe it....
Obi-Wan: I understand this must be shocking to you, but --
Luke: Is that a lightsaber? I've always wanted to play with one of those. Schwing! Schwing!
Obi-Wan: You don't have to make the sounds.

Holo-Leia: General Kenobi, the Rebellion needs you. We're so desperate that we're willing to overlook that time your padawan went psycho and took over the galaxy. Take this droid to Alderaan -- he may contain the key to defeating the Empire.
Obi-Wan: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Luke: The key is really my sister?
Obi-Wan: Well... yes and no. But what I meant was that I will teach you to use the Force and become a Jedi Knight.
Luke: Are you sure I'm not too old?
Obi-Wan: What would give you a ridiculous idea like that?

General Tagge: We must eliminate the Rebel threat! What if they discover the station's flaw?
Vader: Flaw? Nonsense. I'm sure the fact that this completely indestructible weapon has one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot won't come back to haunt us.
Admiral Motti: Yes! This station is invincible! Not like that dumb Force you're always rattling on about. How can some stupid Force -- ACK! GAK! URK!
Tarkin: Vader, that's enough.
Vader: Say "pretty please" and I'll think about it.

Luke: Look -- Sand People attacked those Jawas that sold us our droids.
Obi-Wan: It was not Sand People, but Imperial Stormtroopers.
Luke: How do you know?
Obi-Wan: Someone drew a map to your house on the side of the transport labelled "Stormtroopers Go Here."

Luke: Aunt Beru? Uncle Owen?
Uncle Owen's Charred Corpse: Well, I always said you'd go join the Rebels over my dead body....

Luke: I'm tortured and angsty now.
Obi-Wan: Then you are ready to become a Jedi and learn the ways of the Force.
Luke: Like my father?
Obi-Wan: Not quite. I'm hoping to snap my streak of pupils going evil.

Stormtrooper 1: We're looking for some missing droids just like the two you've got in your speeder here. Show us some identification.
Obi-Wan: Of course, it's right -- Look over there!
Stormtrooper 1: What? Where?
Stormtrooper 2: You idiot! You just fell for the infamous Jedi Mind Trick.

Obi-Wan: I've found a pilot to take us to Alderaan.
Luke: You're going to let that thing fly us?
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Solo: Watch your mouth, kid. Wookiees don't take kindly to insults.
Luke: I wasn't talking about the Wookiee.

Greedo: Greetings, Solo.
Solo: Greedo! Long time, no see. Um... everything's fine here, we're all fine. How are you?
Greedo: I'll be much better once I collect the bounty on your head.
Solo: Well, it was a boring conversation anyways.

Jabba: Solo, you piece of dewback dung! Where's my money? And what did you do to Greedo?
Solo: Hey, it was self-defense! He shot first!
Jabba: A likely story.
Solo: Look, Jabba, if I don't get you your money right after this trip to Alderaan, feel free to freeze me in carbonite or feed me to the Sarlacc.
Jabba: Done. (to henchman) Take a memo: freeze Solo in carbonite and feed him to the Sarlacc.
Solo: But I said if I --
Jabba: Have a nice trip to Alderaan.

Luke: Oh no! Imperial Cruisers are after us! Get us out of here!
Solo: Shut up, kid. If I'm not careful we could end up flying inside a giant space creature or stuck on the side of an Imperial Cruiser or something suicidal like that.

Tarkin: Tell us where the Rebel base is or we'll blow up Alderaan.
Leia: Oh no! Not Alderaan! The Rebels are on the planet Ecoyday in the Uckersay system.
Tarkin: Excellent. Told you she would cave, Vader.
Vader: I have a bad feeling about this.
Tarkin: Princess, we thank you for your cooperation and ACTIVATE THE DEATH STAR! Mwahahaha!
Leia: But... but....
Tarkin: What? I'm evil.

Luke: This sucks! I can't dodge these stupid lasers.
Obi-Wan: Try again. This time, use this helmet with the visor over your eyes.
Luke: To help me use the Force?
Obi-Wan: To counteract your terrible aim.

Solo: Well, we're here, but there's no Alderaan.
Obi-Wan: I told you we should have stopped and asked for directions.
Luke: Let's ask someone on that gigantic space station.
Solo: What gigan... uh oh.

Imperial Soldier: Is there anybody in there?
Solo: No!
Imperial Soldier: The ship appears to be deserted, sir.
Vader: Well, send a scanning crew in. Hm. I smell something. Something I haven't smelled since....

Solo: I can't believe I let you get me into this mess. I hate all this sneaking around.
Luke: You're just mad that Stormtrooper uniform makes you look fat.
Solo: This thick plastic does nothing for my figure.

R2D2: beep deboop zoop blip boopboop!
C3PO: He says the Princess is here, and scheduled to be executed.
Luke: Oh no! I can't let that hot chick die! Come on, we have to rescue her!
Solo: What's in it for me? Can I hook up with her?
Luke: Only if I can't, though I can't imagine why that would be.

Luke: I'm here to rescue you, your hotness!
Leia: You look like a Stormtrooper. How many fingers am I holding up?
Luke: Three.
Leia: I guess you're not a Stormtrooper. Those guys have really bad eyesight.
Luke: Really? I thought they just had lousy aim.

Tarkin: Obi-Wan? Here? Are you sure?
Vader: I can smell his dingy Jedi bathrobe. He hasn't washed that thing in twenty years.

Luke: Hey guys? I think there's something alive in the garbage pit he-- GYAAA!
Leia: Luke! Luke!
Solo: Great, I thought he'd never leave. Now we can have some quality time together.
Luke: Gasp! Pant! Phew! That was close.
Leia: I know, you nearly died!
Luke: I mean you nearly had some quality time with Han.

Solo: Uh oh. The garbage crusher appears to be crushing. Us.
Luke: We'll be crushed!
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Leia: Well, at least I'll lose that five pounds I've been wanting to drop.
Leia: What, I can't look on the bright side?

C3PO: Shut down the garbage masher, R2!
R2D2: beep beboop blip doop
C3PO: No, I don't think Master Luke could do with a good squashing.
R2D2: zoop dedoop blip
C3PO: Well, I'm sorry if I ruin all your fun.

Luke: Oh no! The Stormtroopers are right behind us!
Leia: Quick! Close the door and shoot the controls!
Luke: Good idea! (ZAP!)
Leia: Quick! Use the controls to extend the bridge!
Luke: Good idea! Er... wait, maybe those good ideas should have been the other way around.

Vader: Obi-Wan... we meet at last.
Obi-Wan: We've known each other since you were a child, you moron.
Vader: Whatever. Eat lightsaber.

Stormtrooper: Dude! Lightsaber fight!
Other Stormtroopers: Sweet! Let's abandon our posts and go watch!

Obi-Wan: You can kill me, Darth, but I'll just come back even more powerful than before. "Obi-Wan the White," they'll call me.
Vader: Fifty bucks says you can't pull that off.
Obi-Wan: You're on.
Vader: (poking the empty robe) Damn! Where'd he go?
Luke: Nooooo! Ben! Now how will you get the fifty bucks?

Solo: We've got fighters on our tail.
Luke: Yes! Tetris!
Solo: Luke!
Luke: Oh, right. Shooting the Imperial Fighters. Sorry.

Luke: So, what do you think of Leia?
Solo: I --
Luke: You stay away from my woman!

Commander Willard: Princess, we're so relieved you're all right.
Leia: No more than I am to see you all in one piece. I didn't know you had moved our base off Ecoyday.
Willard: ...Yes. Well, that's why we don't let you do any actual planning.

General Dodonna: This is your target: the Imperial Death Star.
Luke: That's not a model of the Death Star. It's a giant styrofoam ball marked "Death Star."
Dodonna: Our real model doesn't arrive until Tuesday.

Leia: So you're just going to take the reward and leave us to die?
Solo: Darlin', sometimes you just gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run just long enough to look like a hero when you come back to save the day.

Imperial Computer: The Rebel base will be in Death Star range in just enough time for them to mount an attack and destroy us.
Tarkin: Excellent. Finally, we shall destroy the Rebels.
Imperial Computer: But I said -- oh, screw it.

Luke: I wish Han were here. And Ben. Sigh.
Leia: Are you always this whiny?
Luke: Yes. Are you always this hot?
Leia: Yes.
Luke: Great, we should get along splendidly.

Rebel Engineer: This droid of yours is a little beat up. Do you want a new one?
Luke: No way! That little droid has saved my life.
Rebel Engineer: Really? I've always heard R2 units are notorious for trying to kill their masters. Is this a parachute he's wearing?
Luke: Why would R2 want a parachute?

Red Leader: (over the comm) All right, men! Ready to be destroyed in a blaze of glory?
Red Squadron: Yay!
Luke: Boo! I don't wanna be destroyed!
Wedge: I'm with you, bud.

Obi-Wan: Use the Force, Luke.
Luke: Great, just what I needed. A back seat driver.

Vader: Men, prepare a fighter for my escape. And make sure you stock it with snacks or something -- I could be stuck in there until the sequel.

Luke: Oh no! I'm hit!
Biggs: (over the comm) Pull up, Luke!
Luke: Phew. That was a close one, hey R2?
R2D2: beep boop dedoop blip
Luke: Yeah, I can't believe I survived that either.

Imperial Soldier: It appears that Lord Vader designed a small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot that we only just discovered. Shall we escape, sir?
Tarkin: Never!
Imperial Soldier: Shall we continue our plan to destroy the Rebels, confident there's no way they can succeed and kill us all?
Tarkin: Now you're talking.

Obi-Wan: Luke, trust your feelings.
Luke: Has anyone ever told you that you sound like a New Age therapist? And get out of my head!
Obi-Wan: But I like it in here.

Luke: Cover me, I'm going in for my attack run at full speed.
Biggs: Will we be able to pull out?
Luke: Well, I will.

Obi-Wan: Let go, Luke. Trust me.
Luke: You mean shut off the targeting computer? Why?
Obi-Wan: It will make it more impressive when you manage to blow up the station.
Luke: Fair enough.

Wedge: (over the comm) Oh no, I'm hit! I have to pull out!
Luke: Well, Biggs, I guess it's just you and me.
Biggs: (over the comm) Oh no, I'm hi--
Luke: Well, R2, I guess it's just you and me.
R2D2: beep boo--
Luke: Well, Han, I guess it's just you and me.
Solo: (over the comm) I haven't flown in to save your tail yet.
Luke: Could you hurry up? It's getting lonely out here.

Vader: Crap! That station cost me an arm and a leg!

Rebels: Yay!
Luke: Oh no! R2!
C3PO: R2, can you hear me?
R2D2: beep... boop... dedoop blip...
Luke: "You are so dead"? Poor droid, his circuits are completely fried.

Leia: I knew there was more to you than money! So, can I have that reward back now?
Solo: Sorry, sweetheart, no refunds.

Luke: So, we've destroyed the Death Star and rid the galaxy of the evil Empire. I guess this is the end. I mean, it's not like they can strike back or anything. Right, guys?
Leia: Er....
Solo: Um....
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Luke: Sigh.

Leia: Luke Skywalker, for sheer dumb luck, I award you this medal.
Luke: Sweet!
All: Yay!
Leia: And to you, Han Solo, I award this medal for running like a chicken until the last possible second.
Solo: Oo! Shiny!
All: Yay!
Chewbacca: Rooowwoorrrr!
Leia: Sorry, I'm all out.
All: Boo!
(Chewbacca sulks at Ludicrous Speed)


Next fiver: The Empire Strikes Back

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This fiver was originally published on September 20, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Lucasfilm. We're not worried -- how can they enforce a copyright when Lucas rewrites the source material every two weeks? Sure, we're infringing on them today, but tomorrow, the entire original trilogy may be a six-hour-long firefight between Han and Greedo. (I don't mind as long as I get to shoot first.)

All material © 2004, Carolyn Paterson.