This Just In
ISSUE #18 MARCH 8, 2002

Guinness, Wood undertake new Enterprise
by Thinkey

SOMEWHERE IN THE ASIAN JUNGLE - The air is hot and humid as the sun blazes through the breaks in the clouds. This is no ordinary day -- or ordinary episode for the cast and crew of Enterprise. Dressed in their tailored uniforms, Scott Bakula and co-stars Connor Trinneer, Jolene Blalock, and Dominic Keating are busy rehearsing a scene which happens to end with Bakula saying his famous line "Oh boy."

It's no ordinary episode, and it's not the usual location. Rick Berman is pretty quiet about the overall plot, but he does admit to "jumping on the prequel bandwagon" for this episode.

For the first time in history Paramount Pictures has given Rick Berman and Brannon Braga a budget of over $10 million to film the two-hour season finale of Enterprise. With such a large budget, one wonders what they have planned for this blockbuster; Mr. Braga himself says it "definitely promises not to disappoint."

Here on set, however, it isn't hard to figure out what the crew of the Enterprise are up to. The question should be why they are doing it.

"Apparently the crew of the Enterprise were forced to travel back in time to World War II and aid in the destruction of the Kwai bridge," explained Mr. Trinneer.

Jolene Blalock, who plays the sexy Vulcan T'Pol on the series, explained further: "It involves the Romulans. They've traveled back in time to change history -- we're here to stop them."

For all you history and movie buffs out there, the Kwai bridge is best known from the Academy Award-winning movie The Bridge on the River Kwai. Mr. Braga's reasoning behind this time travel episode still remains unclear, but one could assume that it has something to do with Rick Berman's "prequel" comment.

Upon further investigation, we ran into a source known only as "Zeke" who claimed to have information. "They want to cash in on Alec Guinness just as George Lucas did," he explained, going into further detail about the animosity held against Lucas by the Trek producers. Apparently they believe that by having Guinness guest star in the finale, they will be able to score high in the ratings -- just as George Lucas did with the first installment of Star Wars back in 1977. Mr. Zeke filled in the rest of the gaps for us: "They want me to bring Guinness back to life, just to star in their finale, which is loosely based on The Bridge on the River Kwai which happens to star Guinness."

Mr. Zeke also informed us that Brannon Braga was responsible for writing the finale -- which explains a lot.

"It figures," commented VVS producer MaquisKat. "Time travel. Time travel. That's all the stupid guy can ever come up with. Stealing from one of history's great movie classics is a new low for this man. Yet another reason I refuse to watch Enterprise."

"More time travel?" complained Donald P. Bellisario, former executive producer of Quantum Leap. "Scott's done too much of that. I think it's time they give the man a break."

Actor Dean Stockwell wasn't complaining, however. "They've casted me in the show again -- this time as a Romulan hologram who communicates with those who traveled into the past. I feel right at home!"

With the twisted plot and interesting list of holographic and dead guest stars, one wonders how Rick Berman and Brannon Braga will pull this off. There are even rumors among the cast and crew that this season finale will turn out to be even worse than Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space.

"I always wanted to be remembered as one of the greats," explained Mr. Keating to his fans on his official message board. "However, I can't believe it will be alongside such an atrocity as that movie."

"No fear," said Mr. Zeke as he stood beside the corpse of Mr. Guinness, which was hooked up to several strange wires at the brain and chest. "Guinness will make it for the shooting schedule." We later heard loud grunting followed by loud screams of "It's alive... ALIVE!" from down the hallways of Paramount Pictures.

Viacom Corporation is currently vowing never to make a sequel of this incident.

"We're counting on our partner to deliver Guinness on time," Mr. Berman assured us on location in the Asian Jungle.

"It's ridiculous!" hollered a very sweaty and delusional Robert Beltran, who happened to be strapped to the recreation of the infamous Kwai bridge. "Bringing a person back to life to act in this monstrosity? They should be executed! I keep wondering what other crap will spew from the producers' brains." Mr. Beltran refused to comment about his involvement in the movie, but reportedly muttered something about "Pinocchio" when asked.

On the finale and the controversy surrounding it, Kate Mulgrew commented, "Typical of Robert. That right-handed bastard. No wonder I dumped him for Tim Hagan. Serves him right to be strapped to a bridge these days."

As if the situation couldn't get any more interesting, the first reports have arrived concerning Alec Guinness' resuscitation. Our first reaction here at This Just In is that maybe they should have left the man dead and where he was.

"Grunt... Grunt... WHAT? STAR TREK? Have you all gone INSANE? I despised Star Wars, and you brought me back for THIS? GRUNT GRUNT!" Mr. Guinness stated.

Enterprise producers remain optimistic. "Guinness will be great. We have been reassured that he'll play ball," Mr. Braga explained. He was later reported being seen with top officials who went by the codename "Purity Control." Little is known about this project, though we do know they were involved in several cloning experiments over the past 10 years.

The executive producer of The X-Files, Chris Carter, was unavailable for questioning about the Purity Control issue and was reported to have been hauled away by a disgruntled fan who claimed that "Season 9 sucked the big one." His last known location was on a ferry crossing from Nova Scotia, Canada to Newfoundland.

Our news source in Newfoundland was less than cooperative. "Deny everything, I say. Trust no one," said former VVS producer Thinkey as she tried to hide her special collection of MSR episodes.

With all the controversy surrounding the final episode of Enterprise's first season, one wonders if it'll ever get finished. "It was an amazing undertaking from the beginning," said director Allan Kroeker. "Frankly, I'm amazed we made it this far."

When asked for comment, the now-alive-again Ed Wood simply sneered at the idea of being compared to Star Trek and walked in the other direction.

The CIA is currently hunting for the anonymous Mr. Zeke, who has been compared to Victor Frankenstein by many in the media. The FBI is also searching for the suddenly missing Brannon Braga and Rick Berman, who disappeared after the warrant for Mr. Zeke's arrest was issued. No new information has surfaced on the disappearance of Chris Carter, but the FBI is still actively searching.

"One is always considered mad when one perfects something that others cannot grasp," Ed Wood once said. We at This Just In cannot comment as to whether or not Rick Berman and Brannon Braga have finally perfected the idea behind time travel episodes, but it remains good food for thought.

The truth is out there, folks. 

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Copyright 2002, Holly Simon. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. This notice is hungry for brains... BRAAAAAAINS... GRUNT GRUNT...