This Just In

New Line announces neverending LotR marathons
by Zeke

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - Following on their recent announcement that the Lord of the Rings trilogy will be presented as a marathon at selected theatres this fall, New Line Cinemas has gone one better, announcing that these marathons will in fact be replayed continuously until the end of time.

The theatres selected have unanimously agreed to this plan, which will be implemented on December 16 when the popular trilogy's final installment, Return of the King, is released. Moviegoers may enter at any point in the presentation; they will pay a reduced ticket price and be able to purchase food and soft drinks in the theatre. No further tickets will be necessary to continue watching. Departures, however, will not be permitted.

"We're eager to get this started," commented New Line president Robert K. Shaye. "Our market research indicated strong support for the triple-bill idea, and our test audiences reacted with great enthusiasm. So, we decided, why stop there?"

"Of course, we have logistical difficulties to deal with," continued Mr. Shaye. "Most theatres don't have concession stands inside the showing rooms, but that won't be hard to arrange. Washroom facilities will be trickier. We're considering a number of solutions to that problem, but they'll take time to set up... the audiences may just have to hold it in for the first week or two."

According to Mr. Shaye, the project is being seen from a long-range perspective. "By nature, this is something we have to consider in the long term. Film equipment eventually breaks down, inflation leads to rising power costs, and let's face it -- viewers die. That's why we at New Line are pioneering the revolutionary new concept of the generational theatre. Our audiences will be able to court, marry, and even create families without ever taking their eyes off the screen. Imagine hundreds, thousands of children growing up with J. R. R. Tolkien's classic story, learning its timeless message of right and wrong. They'll come to think of Frodo and Gollum and Sauron as extra parents. Isn't that what you'd want for your own child?"

Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson was not available for comment, but a spokesman informed us that he is pleased with New Line's new line of business and has high hopes for its success. According to the spokesman, Mr. Jackson will make an official comment on the matter soon but is currently too busy editing Return of the King "to make sure Arwen is in every scene."

This is the first major announcement New Line has made since acquiring the services of Tartarus Consulting, a Cleveland-based company with a long history in the field. The company was behind such popular campaigns as the "Wazzaaaaaap" commercials and the death sports craze. Tartarus also capitalized on the popularity of Choose Your Own Adventure books to market a series called Write Your Own "I Am the Walrus"-Era Beatles Song, in which each customer was provided with a dictionary and six pints of vodka. Company president Joe Black was not available for comment.

New Line's announcement has drawn both praise and criticism from various quarters.

"It's a good idea, but it'll never work," claimed Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda producer and lead actor Kevin Sorbo. "We thought of it earlier this season and tried out an infinite Andromeda marathon on a test audience. Half the audience had committed suicide by Season 2, and the last survivor finally killed himself during 'Slipfighters: The Dogs of War.' We still don't know why it happened."

LotR actor Orlando Bloom agreed, but for a different reason. "The generational theatre thing will be a disaster. What kind of insanity made New Line adopt a plan that depends on Lord of the Rings geeks having sex?"

"I couldn't be happier about this news," commented Brent Sienna of the popular gaming magazine PvP. "So we won't get to stop watching -- who would want to? The Lord of the Rings trilogy is without question the greatest movies that have ever been made or ever will be made, ever, and all who disagree are fools of Tooks. They don't just present the material from the books, they improve on it. I mean, come on, wouldn't Tolkien have put elves at Helm's Deep if he'd thought of it?"

"Please leave me out of this," replied deceased author J. R. R. Tolkien.

"Fly, you fools!" actor Ian McKellen cried, and was gone. We're kinda bummed about it.

As a rule, we at This Just In end our articles with a concluding paragraph of some sort. However, this reporter hasn't seen or heard from his supervisor since New Line opened a test theatre in Saskatoon, so he can pretty much do what he wants with this article. Shooby dooby dooby doo-wah doo-WAH... shooby dooby dooby doo-WAH.... 

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Copyright 2003, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. This notice void only if cast into Mount Doom; otherwise it will inevitably corrupt the reader, however pure his intentions.