Moore appointed US president
April 6, 2006
America's political landscape made a sea change today as the House of Representatives appointed television producer Ronald D. Moore president of the United States.
"Through his Battlestar Galactica series, Mr. Moore has shown us that he truly understands the pressures and responsibilities of politics," explained Speaker Dennis Hastert. "He possesses a vital skill for the presidency: pretending to give all sides of an issue a fair hearing, then doing whatever he originally intended to do. He understands that sometimes you have to roll the hard six, sometimes you have to secretly persuade an officer to commit mutiny, and sometimes you have to order an unborn child executed. In the end, you'll be let off the hook."
On being asked about the legality of Congress appointing a new president, Mr. Hastert replied, "Completely illegal, of course. So we passed a law making it legal, right after passing a law to make that law legal. Time was of the essence, as Mr. Moore is dying of something he calls 'fiat cancer,' and it is imperative that he be able to lead us to Earth first."
President Moore's appointment leaves incumbent president J. J. Abrams out of a job. "We had high hopes for President Abrams," said Mr. Hastert, "but his West Wing series, originally a utopia of Democrat wishful thinking, has by all accounts made Republican candidate Arnold Vinick sympathetic. This sort of mixed message just confuses us, although we understand the difficulty of making Alan Alda seem evil."
The appointment was greeted with much skepticism at first, but President Moore has made a strong early showing in the polls with his second executive order, annexing Canada's three territories and nine of its provinces to serve as America's new Colonies. (The president's first executive order was the liquidation of Brannon Braga's assets; Mr. Braga was then chained up in the Oval Office closet so that President Moore can kick him on an hourly basis.) Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper welcomed the nation's new American overlords and expressed particular thanks for excluding Quebec.
Asked to comment on his appointment, President Moore simply noted that "I can't wait to rub this in my cousin Michael's face."
Rumours that the president has developed a habit of talking to himself were unconfirmed at press time (though you'll notice that didn't stop us from printing them). Similarly, several anonymous sources have sent strange reports of individuals precisely matching President Moore's description in other cities across the nation. This Just In is currently investigating, but not very hard.
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Copyright 2006, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved. Things don't always go smoothly in Ron and Michael's family; their second cousin Alan has gone so far as to declare a vendetta against them.