To: The World

From: Leonard Nimoy (post-mortem)

Date: June 12, 2015

Greetings. It is I, Leonard Nimoy. I have obtained special permission to communicate one last time with the human race. You see, while I am best known for Star Trek, there were other shows that were important to me over the years, and I am now at last in a position to close the book on one of them. Without further ado, I shall begin.

  1. Plants are not affected by their owners' thoughts, whether for good or ill.

  2. The Phoenicians did not build anything in New Hampshire.

  3. The Nazca Lines do indeed include a landing strip for UFOs, but not out of any actual necessity; the Nazca people simply enjoyed hallucinogens.

  4. The Bermuda Triangle is not a testing ground for aliens. It does not, in fact, exist at all.

  5. "Bigfoot" is actually a moose.

  6. Killer bees can be defeated, but only by breeding a strain of killer wasp.

  7. Earthquakes are not natural; they are caused by an earthquake machine. Do not bother attempting to destroy it. There is a backup.

  8. King Tut's tomb is not cursed. People simply die a lot.

  9. Mars is indeed experiencing climate change, and it is indeed anthropogenic.

  10. Atlantis was not located in the Bahamas. The undersea buildings in that area were built by fish.

  11. The psychic detectives were faking it like on Psych.

  12. There are aliens to be contacted, but not with the technologies of 1977.

  13. ESP can be taught, but only telepathically.

  14. Everything valuable confiscated by the Nazis has already been confiscated by the CIA, then confiscated from them by the FBI, then lost, and finally found again by the Freemasons. Ask them for it.

  15. Amelia Earhart was indeed on a spy mission, but to the other side of the galaxy, not Japan.

  16. The life of Vlad the Impaler is most accurately documented in the Castlevania games.

  17. The Easter Island statues were easier to build than they appear. Close inspection will reveal that they are made of styrofoam.

  18. There are no ghosts.

  19. Yes, some people have been resuscitated after clinical death; no, nothing they say is useful.

  20. The Loch Ness Monster is another moose.

  21. America is not regularly visited by UFOs. Bolivia, yes; America, no.

  22. Voodoo does not work, but does sound cool.

  23. The Inca were actually a satire of the Aztecs that no one got.

  24. Stonehenge is not holding Britain in a force field. I am actually somewhat embarrassed that we considered this one.

  25. The gold in the Superstition Mountains is not cursed. Keep your distance from the silver, though.

  26. The Count of St. Germain was not immortal, merely a time-traveller.

  27. Walking on coal safely is possible, but for best results, do not heat the coal first.

  28. The Mayans were, ironically, wiped out by a mysterious apocalypse on January 17, 1717.

  29. Astrology, while often misapplied, is a real science capable of making highly accurate predictions. Unfortunately, anyone who comes to understand it is immediately struck and killed by a meteorite.

  30. The family knows what really happened to Michael Rockefeller, and frankly, it's no one else's business.

  31. Hurricanes cannot be prevented, but they can be tamed.

  32. The Ogopogo Monster is a moose. They're all moose.

  33. The pyramids were not built for any special reason. Everyone needs a hobby.

  34. The Dead Sea Scrolls are, ironically, also Jesus Christ's real burial shroud.

  35. Reincarnation is strictly optional.

  36. Worshipping sharks will not prevent them from eating you, but it may help you obtain a job at the Discovery Channel.

  37. Princess Anastasia did not survive her assassination, despite having hung out with Rasputin.

  38. Human life can indeed be created in the laboratory. To prevent this, give keys to only male or only female scientists, not both.

  39. Cryogenic suspension is possible, but will leave the subject with a bad cold.

  40. The man-like beast in the Louisiana bayou is actually a moose-like beast.

  41. Franz Mesmer was not a real hypnotist; he simply hypnotized people into thinking so.

  42. The ruins of Troy are real, but do not leave them alone overnight. There are people inside.

  43. Yes, some witch doctors have remedies that really work. That's why they're called doctors.

  44. There are no haunted castles. See above under ghosts.

  45. Butch Cassidy did survive his supposed death, despite not having hung out with Rasputin.

  46. Fire ants are weak against water buffalo, ground beetles, and rock lobsters.

  47. Yes, in the 1970s we really believed in global cooling. Yes, that should tell you something.

  48. The Garden of Eden was actually in Antarctica. Remember, this was a while ago.

  49. None of the "UFO captives" we spoke to had really been abducted. In retrospect, we should have asked around in La Paz.

  50. Tornadoes cannot be prevented, so make sure you have one of those tame hurricanes handy.

  51. Cloning is possible. There is even a tool for it.

  52. Dowsing rods don't work. Come on.

  53. If you absolutely insist, I will say that Jack the Ripper was an alien that fed on fear. He wasn't, though.

  54. Apparently we did two cryogenics episodes.

  55. The Siberian fireball was not an atomic blast. It was not a bear going Super Saiyan either, but it should have been.

  56. Accidents happen in the Great Lakes Triangle because there are a lot of ships there.

  57. The man-like beast in Northern California is actually the same moose as the one in Louisiana. It commutes.

  58. There are no Bermuda Triangle pirates. There used to be, but they disappeared.

  59. The Native Americans did know some astronomy -- in fact, they used every part of the night sky.

  60. Did we seriously do an episode about whether Sherlock Holmes was real?

  61. There were indeed lost Vikings in Canada. Each had different abilities, so that together they were able to negotiate various obstacles and defeat bosses.

  62. Lucid dreaming is possible, but if you start hearing a loud "WAAAAAAAAAA" sound in the background, it's time to wake yourself up.

  63. People and pets do not have telepathic bonds. If you wish to be connected to your dog, purchase a leash.

  64. The Oak Island treasure is actually a note that reads "Peace on Earth". It was buried not by Captain Kidd but by one tin soldier.

  65. Yes, that group of psychics correctly predicted the location of a shipwreck. We did not, however, air our footage of the 255 other groups of psychics who got it wrong.

  66. The mystery is not where Mengele was hiding, it is how he came to exist in the first place.

  67. The Flood was real, but it happened on free swim day, so no one died.

  68. The high death rate among owners of famous diamonds will be left as an exercise for the reader.

  69. There are no ghosts.

  70. Average people can indeed become geniuses, just not through the public school system.

  71. Sodom and Gomorrah really were at the base of what is now the Dead Sea. This is why the water there is so salty.

  72. King Tut was not murdered. His death was an unintended side effect of the mummification process.

  73. There was no mystery in the Hawaii tsunami episode. In full honesty, I simply wanted to go there.

  74. If you have questions about Carlos the Jackal, ask him yourself. He's not busy.

  75. There was no paranormal activity in the Amityville house.

  76. The UFO sighted in Australia was a flying moose. Seriously though, weather balloon.

  77. The great white shark has not evolved in an unusually long time because evolution is based on survival of the fittest. You are not fitter than the great white shark.

  78. The Roanoke colonists disappeared because of too much running about.

  79. The shroud of Turin is a photocopy. Given its age, that is still impressive.

  80. The Mexican pyramids look like Egyptian pyramids made of giant Lego. This is not a coincidence.

  81. More like Abominable Snowmoose.

  82. Yes, there were some Christians in Pompeii. They regretted it. The Pompeii part, not the Christian part.

  83. D. B. Cooper is still on the plane.

  84. Mount Sinai is in the wrong place, but it is not the wrong mountain; Mohammed once asked it to move.

  85. The Dogon tribe are in fact descended from aliens, who left one vital clue: the most alien-sounding tribe name ever.

  86. The San Andreas Fault will not be struck by another catastrophic quake as long as no one kicks it too hard. It is a foot fault.

  87. The unclaimed $3.2 million fortune is in fact a sweepstakes prize which YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY WON.

  88. The full story on Vincent van Gogh was revealed in my one-man show Vincent. If you weren't there, I'm not telling you.

  89. Feral children are real, but their stories tend to be depressing. There is a reason The Jungle Book ends where it does.

  90. There are no ghost ships.

  91. The human race is not descended from aliens, except the Dogon tribe, as mentioned above.

  92. The remains of John the Baptist are out there, but don't get excited. You probably wouldn't recognize him.

  93. Nightmares do occasionally precede major air crashes, but they usually precede successful flights.

  94. Apparently we also did two episodes about those underwater structures in the Bahamas. I think my attention span was shorter in the 70s.

  95. Glenn Miller did not really disappear. This is a cover story for what really happened: a tragic experiment to determine whether Miller could create a band so big, even he could not lead it.

  96. I suppose it is only appropriate that we did a second reincarnation episode.

  97. The only unusual thing about the weather balloon that crashed at Roswell was that it was filled with swamp gas.

  98. Faith healing works best in conjuction with medicine.

  99. Yes, Lee Harvey Oswald was the one who shot Kennedy, which is good since the alternative would be highly embarrassing for Jack Ruby.

  100. Motorcycle daredevils are motivated primarily by gasoline.

  101. Again, the statements of survivors of clinical death are not accurate, although I suppose I say so at the risk of triggering Russell's paradox.

  102. Werewolfism is not real. Weremooseism is.

  103. The volcanoes we examined will probably not erupt again in the near future, but you should stay out of them anyway.

  104. The Lindbergh baby's killer was, ironically, paid by the Nazis.

  105. Acupuncture doesn't hurt, but doesn't work either.

  106. The biggest mystery about Jimmy Hoffa is that it took us 106 episodes to get to him. Dead, by the way.

  107. The most effective way to slow down one's aging is to slow down time itself. For tips on slowing down time itself, consult Stephen Hawking, who doesn't know but will have a witty answer.

  108. I have no new information about laugh therapy, but I wish to remind everyone that we looked at it 18 years before Patch Adams.

  109. It is not true that there are still witches in Salem. There are witches in Salem, but there weren't before.

  110. I do not know the most effective way to produce child prodigies, but I know it's not that "indigo children" thing.

  111. Who built the Great Wall of China? The Koreans. They were visiting.

  112. Needless to say, the Coral Castle was not really built by a lone hermit using telekenesis and the secrets of Atlantis or the pyramids. Actually, it was the Koreans again.

  113. What motivatived the Don Juans and Casanovas of history? Guess.

  114. The Holy Grail was not really found in 1981, but they were looking for the wrong thing anyway. The actual Holy Grail is a magical ball of energy that grants wishes.

  115. Marilyn Monroe did not commit suicide. After a poor choice of skirt and grate to stand on, she was blown away.

  116. The Chinese really did discover America 1000 years before Columbus. Of course, they thought it was Portugal.

  117. There was indeed a plan to destroy the Hindenburg, but it consisted entirely of someone suggesting hydrogen to the engineers.

  118. Even if the Earth collides with an asteroid or comet, the world will not end. It is larger and has more momentum. What happens to us, however, will not be pretty.

  119. If the Lusitania's destruction was part of a plan to embroil the United States in World War I, it was a bad plan. They didn't enter for another two years.

  120. Solar power is a very efficient means of producing good feelings. Energy, not so much.

  121. Jesse James was not shot. He's still alive now.

  122. Computers have indeed shown potential in healing the sick, but when I made this episode, Googling one's symptoms was not what I had in mind.

  123. There are no ghosts.

  124. Vietnam has returned all its American POWs... that it knows about.

  125. Joseph Merrick, the Elephant Man, was actually a Moose Man.

  126. The assassination of Lincoln was in fact a plot by the CIA, who at that time were still known as the Whig Party.

  127. Jim Jones, leader of the Heaven's Gate cult, was unfortunately not an alien. We didn't actually investigate that, but I always sort of hoped.

  128. King Solomon did indeed have a mine, but it no longer exists. He split it in half to make a point.

  129. Richard III did not intend to have his sons killed. Sadly, his men overheard him saying, "Who will rid me of these troublesome sons?"

  130. The Aztecs did in fact mistake Cortez for a god, but a larger factor in their defeat was having sacrificed 95 percent of their population to other gods.

  131. Houdini was a well-disguised moose.

  132. The A-bomb did indeed leave many survivors, though it was considerably more effective than the B-bomb that was also considered.

  133. The Titanic actually did stop moving in time. The iceberg did not.

  134. We made the "Future Life" episode in 1981. To see how things turned out, look around.

  135. Nostradamus was a time-displaced Richard Nixon, as you read in the article.

  136. There are no ghosts.

  137. Humans do have auras. If you want to see them, get infrared goggles. You will find, however, that the auras vary little from person to person. In fact, if you find one that does, run.

  138. I am not allowed to tell you the answer to the science/creationism mystery. Actually, I am amazed I've been allowed to tell you this much.

  139. Faster-than-light travel is possible. The secret is to find particularly slow light.

  140. Eva Braun was a moose. It was right there in her name.

  141. Joshua fought the battle of Jericho. The jury remains out on whether he "fit" it.

  142. I do not even remember who Bishop Pike was. I had more or less checked out of the series by this point.

  143. Life on this planet will end. Not die, just end. We'll go somewhere else.

  144. Unborn babies are indeed aware of the world around them, but even they are not capable of influencing the growth of plants.
Thank you for your time. To my customary sign-off of "live long and prosper", I will add that I now know the two may be sequential, not simultaneous.

By the way, DeForest and Jimmy send their regards.

- L. N.

Return to TJI Brief #8

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