Moonves on Enterprise, future of UPN, pet care

THIS JUST IN WUXTRY

Moonves on Enterprise, future of UPN, pet care

This Just In recently obtained an exclusive interview with Les Moonves, director of Viacom, which owns the Star Trek franchise and many, many souls. The following is a transcript of the interview (typed up by our secretary, Kathleen -- you rock, Kathleen!).

TJI: Mr. Moonves?
Moonves: Gah! A reporter! How did you know I was going to be here?
TJI: First thing I learned in journalism school: they always return to the scene of the crime. Well, actually, I got my journalism degree from a police academy. Kind of a long story there. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Moonves: Who are you with?
TJI: The New York Times. Or the Washington Post. One of those.
Moonves: All right, but make it quick. I have a lot of important business axes to drop.
TJI: Righto. First question: what were the main reasons behind your cancellation of Enterprise?
Moonves: (forehead in hands) Oh, lovely. You're one of them.
TJI: What? No. Relax. I'm a journalist. We're impartial.
Moonves: Oh yes, that's how it starts. Impartial, you say. Fair and balanced, you say. I'm not totally making up this evidence, you say. Next thing I know, I'm being led to the hoosegow! The hoosegow!
TJI: Okay, fine, I'm with This Just In.
Moonves: Ohhhhh. Whew. Your readership is up to what, seven now?
TJI: Eight if you'll buy a subscription. But let's do the interview first. So, main reasons?
Moonves: Well, I had to weigh a lot of factors. Star Trek has meant a great deal to Paramount over the years. Yes, a great deal of money. Furthermore, Enterprise is one of UPN's strongest series. Like WWE Smackdown, it's well-written and well-acted. I've always liked it personally, especially the episodes where Moesha fights the Ewoks.
TJI: Ah yes, the Ewokupation Arc.
Moonves: So I had to bear in mind how important Enterprise and its fans are to us. And we gave the show every chance -- each season was promoted more than the last, culminating in our huge publicity blitz this year.
TJI: ...Right.
Moonves: But weighing against all that was something bigger. For years now, UPN has been struggling to achieve true insipidity. We've been striving, building a reputation, digging harder and faster to reach the absolute bottom of the barrel. We want to define "birdcage liner" for a whole new medium. Our goal is for the executives of FOX, of NBC, of CBS --
TJI: Aren't you the executive of CBS?
Moonves: -- of every network in this great nation, and the many less great ones, to point to UPN and tell their staff that this, this is the example they must not follow at any cost. I wish we could have accomplished that with Enterprise on board, but each season it grew more obvious that we could not. So in the end, we had no choice.
TJI: I see. All right, moving on: it's recently been announced that after Enterprise's finale, UPN will only be airing this season's reruns once a week, and will give the weekend timeslot to another series. Any comments on that?
Moonves: It's purely a financial matter. We're not trying to show disrespect to Enterprise, we'll just get more people to tune in with a new show.
TJI: Any comments on the report that the replacement show will be a reality series about pig farming?
Moonves: Oh, that's just because we hate the viewers.
TJI: Is there anything you can tell us about Paramount's future plans for Star Trek?
Moonves: Allow me to answer that question with a question. Are you familiar with the comics industry?
TJI: You bet. That Jerry Seinfeld cracks me up every time. Heh heh heh.
Moonves: Comic books, not stand-up comics.
TJI: Hey, you ever notice how --
Moonves: Be quiet. My point is that comics have taught us an important lesson: more people will buy a #1 issue than will buy a #29. That's why the major titles are constantly finding excuses to restart their numbering at 1. The Spider-Man franchise has had twelve new #1s this week alone. (checks watch) Sorry, thirteen.
TJI: What are you getting at?
Moonves: What works for comics will work for television. People may not want to watch a fifth season of Enterprise, but they won't be able to resist getting in on a fresh, new Star Trek show. That's why we plan to launch one this fall. Naturally, its ratings will decline each week, so at the end of the season we'll call it a failure, blame the audience, and get started on a new one. It's a perpetual money machine.
TJI: So Star Trek is still a big part of UPN's plans.
Moonves: Yes, but we'll of course have to modify it to fit into our overall agenda.
TJI: Allow me to answer that question with a question. What overall agenda?
Moonves: ...I don't think I asked a question, but our agenda is just what you'd expect: to make UPN the number one network in America. To do this -- are you all right?
TJI: (gets up from the floor, catches breath) Sorry. Uncontrollable laughing fit.
Moonves: Anyway, to do this, we're going to play to our strengths. UPN has experimented with science fiction, sitcoms, and other genres, but our greatest successes have been in the areas of sex and violence. And every year fewer viewers are looking for anything else. Therefore, this is the perfect time to make those our exclusive specialties.
TJI: Exclusive?
Moonves: Yes. We've already begun phasing out all other content. Our goal is to carry only sex-geared shows, violence-geared shows, and a select group of sex-and-violence-geared shows by the 2008-09 season. We even plan to change our name to reflect that policy. We're considering various possibilities, including "United Paramount CHannel of Unrestrained Can-Kicking" and "United Paramount 18-Year-Old Underwear-Revealing Skanks."
TJI: A little long.
Moonves: Exactly! Our goal is to make the viewer think of other long things.
TJI: Oh.
Moonves: Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.
TJI: I get it. So how will you be "modifying" Star Trek to fit into this agenda?
Moonves: (pat pat) Don't worry, you little nerds have nothing to fear. We have every intention of preserving the franchise's high standards of storytelling and maturity. Now, I'm not supposed to spoil, but the idea we're currently developing is about a very special branch of Starfleet Academy located on Betazed.
TJI: Really? That doesn't sound so b--
Moonves: Two words. Lesbian brothel by day, ninja academy by night.
TJI: I'm feeling a little woozy, Mr. Moonves, so I think we'll call it a wrap here. Thanks for your time.
Moonves: No problem. By the way, did you see Porthos on your way in here? I came here to kick him.
TJI: Porthos is played by female beagles, actually.
Moonves: Score!
TJI: (backs away slowly)

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