Webmasters seek new niches to niche
Yet another community affected by the cancellation of Star Trek: Enterprise is the revolutionary communications network and huge vortex of irrelevant nerd activity known as the Internet. We at This Just In, setting aside the fanatical hatred and fear of superior media taught to us in journalism school, have spoken with several important figures in the online Trek world. We make all these sacrifices for you readers, you know. And you never thank us. Would it be so hard to send us a nice card once in a while or something?
The most popular Star Trek site on the Net is TrekToday, a frequently-updated news site which keeps fans up to date on every aspect of the Trek phenomenon. Webmaster Christian "The Umlaut" Höhne Sparborth has no intention of changing this after Enterprise goes off the air. "Enterprise isn't the be-all and end-all of Star Trek," Mr. Höhne Sparborth observed, "it's just most of the be-all and end-all. I understand it breaks down as 90% of the be-all and 50% of the end-all. I don't know how it works, but I trust T'Bonz's calculations. Make sure you put her name in bold. It's policy."
"The point is that there will still be plenty of Trek news to report," continued Mr. I'm Not Digging Up That ASCII Code Again. "Pocket Books will continue churning out novels. Paramount can be counted on to keep milking the franchise with new products, like Star Trek: The Experience in Las Vegas, or Star Trek: The Urinal, soon to be found in your better restrooms. Actors who were onscreen for a frame or two of TOS will continue to die. And we'll soon be introducing a new regular feature called the Schadenfreude Supplement, which will cover the ongoing self-destruction of UPN. Since this feature will end when the network finally crashes down in flames, we're expecting to get a good three months out of it.
"So don't worry, folks, we're not going anywhere. Great things are ahead for TrekToday, not to mention CSI Files, GetDesperate, SixFeetOnline, GalacTicker, VeronicaLodge, LostAreaNetwork, AliasAxis, NewlyWeb, and our upcoming Smallville network, for which I haven't yet thought up a cute name. There may also be one in there for Andromeda. I honestly can't remember."
The official Star Trek site, StarTrek.com, has plans of its own. "Remember on April 1, when we announced that Enterprise had been renewed?" asked the site's webmaster. "You should have seen the look on fans' faces when they realized it was a lie. Their disappointment was palpable... and delicious. We've found our calling. From now on, on random occasions, we'll blurt out headlines like 'ENTERPRISE RENEWED!' or 'NEW TREK SHOW IN PRODUCTION!' or 'DEFORREST KELLEY NOT REALLY DEAD!' They'll be lies, of course -- glorious lies. And you'll never know when they're coming. We're also looking into expanding our operation with new programs, such as going door to door running over people's dogs."
Another popular Enterprise site is TripHammered, which -- what the unholy breezleklop?
Oh. Left out the WWW. But why would that site choose a URL like triphammered.com? What does it have to do with... no, forget it. This doesn't bear thinking about. Anyway, another popular Enterprise site is TripHammered, which focuses on the various travails of chief engineer Charles "Trip" Tucker III. This task will clearly become more difficult with no more travails to focus on.
Webmaster Evangelina "evay" Rimsky-Korsakov thus intends to change the site's focus slightly. "Trip can't be hammered anymore, but there's someone else out there who can be," explained Ms. evay. "Starting now, we're TrinneerHammered. Connor loves to do conventions and public appearances, so he'll be easy to find, especially in those shirts he wears. I've got a Hammer of Crushing on backorder, and several readers have volunteered to take the pictures. Yep, I think TH has a bright future ahead of it. After all, what better way to ease the pain of losing Enterprise than to share it with someone else?"
Star Trek Minutiae webmaster Dan Carlson, on the other hand, intends to carry on as usual. "The minutiae of Star Trek are still a long way from being explored completely. You know Worf drank prune juice, but do you know what brand was used on the set? No? Then my work is not yet done."
Five-Minute Enterprise webmaster Zeke... you know, who cares what that guy does? Moving on.
Probably the most popular single-character website is House of Tucker, run by Archer4Trip (um, ew?). "We've thought it over, and we've decided it would be a mistake to change the name," said Mr. or Ms. (we didn't ask) 4Trip. "House of Tucker has brand recognition now. So instead, with no new Trip stuff to cover -- except the efforts of TrinneerHammered, which we'll all be following with great interest -- we're going to expand the site's focus. There's more than one Tucker out there, folks! Chris Tucker; Tucker, Georgia; the TV series Tucker; Friar Tuck; Tucker Carlson... okay, not Tucker Carlson. The point is, we'll have plenty to do even with Trip gone."
"Trip... gone," repeated the webmaster. "Excuse me, I need a moment."
Finally, of the many Star Trek humour sites available, arguably the most popular is Sev Trek by John Cook. This Just In may be based at a rival Trek humour site, but we would never dream of showing any sort of bias because of that. We are journalists, with journalistic integrity and funny journalist hats. So we made a point of speaking to Mr. Cook about his site's plans, and received the following comments from him:
"Duh. Star Trek good. Fire bad. Ha ha ha! Why me laugh? Duuuuuuuh."
Return to Front Page
Copyright 2005, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved.