THIS JUST IN WUXTRY

Reviewers review reviewing options

All over the Internet, webmasters post their irrelevant opinions of Star Trek episodes. Changes are ahead for those who have been reviewing Enterprise, as they will soon have no new episodes to irrelevantly comment on.

Arguably the most popular online Star Trek reviewer currently active is Jamahl "Jammer" Epsicokhan of Star Trek: Hypertext, who never tires of reviewing episodes and reminding readers of the identity of the #1 ranked site on Google for Star Trek reviews. (Not to keep our readers in the dark, that site is... Star Trek Nexus? Wait, misspelled "reviews." Yeah, it's Hypertext.) Mr. Epsicowhatever recently conducted a fundraising campaign to obtain the Star Trek: The Next Generation DVD sets for reviewing. "My readers have been asking for TNG reviews for ten years," he explained. "It started small, but soon escalated to death threats, marriage proposals, and in one memorable case, a threat of Klingon death marriage. So I decided that if they wanted these reviews so much, maybe they'd be willing to pay for them."

"Here's the beauty of it, though," added Mr. Epsiwhatsamawhoosis. "The way I worded it, I don't have to write the reviews myself. All I have to do is find a homeless guy and get him to write them for me! I have plenty of fruit snacks to pay him with, and he can stay in my guest room, which I won't tell him is actually a closet. This way I get the best of both worlds -- both parts, on DVD -- and I don't have to touch that show. I shudder at the very thought of actually reviewing Next Generation. I hate it SO MUCH. If only I could consign it to the fiery pits of... but I digress."

When it was pointed out that his wording had not, in fact, been unclear about who would write the reviews, Mr. Epsicokhaaaaaan replied, "Not so; it just takes a little attention to detail. I can't pick just any homeless guy, but as soon as I find one named Jamahl Epsicokhan, I'm golden."

On his new review target, Battlestar Galactica, Mr. Epsicocacola explained, "You know those people who are annoyed at how everyone's been extolling BSG over Enterprise? This is mostly to annoy them further. I get my kicks where I can."

Another well-known reviewer is Michelle Erica Green, whose synopses and commentary are a longstanding feature of the Trek Nation network. In a dark alley, wearing a trenchcoat and fedora, Ms. Green confided to us that "If there's one thing I won't miss about reviewing Enterprise, it's the hostility from certain readers. For years now they've had it in their heads that my reviews are nothing but uber-feminist rants. Now, I've had my moments, but nothing like what I'm accused of. Did you know that I was nearly killed once on the grounds that I used the word 'female' more than once in that week's review? The attacker just kept swinging at me, yelling 'What's the femininity, Kenneth?' He was later identified as --" At this point a bullet whizzed past Ms. Green's head, and she ran off shouting "Nazi!"

Reviewer Mary "monkee" Wiecek intends to return to her writing. "With no new Trek to review, it makes sense to start creating my own again. And I have so many ideas! Do you know how many obscure minor characters still haven't had stories centred on them? Take Trip's sister -- has anyone written about the Xindi attack from her perspective? Well, yes. At least ten people have. But that was just an example. I'll probably go with Phlox's third w-- no, wait. Okay, how about Reed's mom? Let me think...."

Possibly the Trek reviewer held in the highest esteem is Timothy W. Lynch, who reretired Jordanesquely at the end of Enterprise's second season. He declined to comment on any future plans, and especially on the episodes since his retirement. "Give my readers a megameter and they take an exometer," said Mr. Lynch. "If I said one word about Enterprise's more recent episodes -- 'cromulent,' say -- I'd immediately be spammed with hundreds of demands for more. I've learned this through painful experience. Back in Angel's first season, I once posted a mini-review of an episode I hated, just for fun. Not only did people ask for more, they started sending me money to do it! Envelope after envelope full of cash... you can bet I didn't make that mistake again. But since I have that money, it's going to be putting my new daughter, Katherine Fallen Angel Lynch, through college."

Another retired reviewer was David E. Sluss, "The Cynic," who recently came out of retirement only to be tragically killed. "It was the classic one-last-job story," explained Mr. Sluss's wife tearfully. "He was out of the business -- he made a clean break. But then, years later, his old gang persuaded him to take that one last job. And now he's dead! Dead! Are you happy, you bastards?" When asked how her husband had died, Ms. Sluss explained, "We all knew David took bad TV harder than most people. When he sat down to watch last week's episode, he accidentally put in the tape of 'Bound' again and... well, twice was just too much for him."

FirstTVDrama reviewer Richard Whettestone declined to give any printable comments, but did scream obscenities in Enterprise's general direction.

Finally, while not exactly a reviewer, Keckler of Television Without Pity is among those out of an online job due to the cancellation. "They haven't decided yet what I'll be recapping next," said Ms. Keckler. "Probably some reality show. You know, I'm hard on Enterprise, but I'll say this for it: it's not the worst show out there. It's not even the worst show I've ever recapped. That's definitely My Mother the Car, the recapping of which is a story I don't even want to start on."

"In the meantime, I'll be focusing on my cooking," continued Ms. Keckler, stirring the contents of a saucepan. "Want a taste? I call it 'Russell Watson's Heart, Marinated in the Blood of Diane Warren.'" This reporter later realized that the name was metaphorical, but not until after losing his lunch. Thanks a lot, Keckler.  


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Copyright 2005, Colin Hayman. A product of This Just Inc. All rights reserved.