Cardiff. People are drawn to it. People and other things. They come for pretty arbitrary reasons. My reason? No surprise there. It started with a girl.
Gwen: What's this about though?
Andy: The place is blocked off for Torchwood.
Gwen: But why though?
Kind of an annoying girl.
Owen: Wallet says his name is John Tucker. I'm keeping the cash, by the way.
Tosh: John Tucker? This could be related to those people who said he must die.
Jack: Let's find out. Wake him up!
Gwen: (What? But he's dead! We distinctly heard him say "GAK"...)
John Tucker: !KAG
Gwen: (Oh my.)
Jack: I'm Captain Jack Harkness. Who hammered you, Tucker?
John Tucker: I... I think her name was Su-- GAK!
Suzie: Oops. Dropped him.
Jack: I wish you'd stop doing that. Isn't that annoying, person watching us?
Gwen: Ack! *runs off*
Jack: See, team? I told you that would work eventually.
Gwen: Run, run, run! I've gotta hurry! They could catch up any minute!
Ianto: (offscreen) We're not chasing you!
Gwen: And I can't let random noise pollution distract me!
Rhys: You look tired.
Gwen: I just saw some people raise the dead and then I ran for forty minutes straight!
Rhys: Okay, but wait'll you hear about my day.
Gwen: (rushing past) Yvonne, would you look up a Captain Jack Harkness for me? Thanks!
Yvonne: Wait, Hark-what? ...Oh well, should be fine. How many Captain Jacks can there be?
Gwen: So much violence lately! All the stabbings, now this bar fi-- (THUD)
Andy: Whoever did that, thanks.
Thugs: Huh?
Andy: She owes me ten quid and I know she has it on her.
Doctor: You'll want to take it easy for the next few days, but your head should be fine now.
Gwen: (seeing Jack) Hey! Get back here!
Doctor: Should I have mentioned the hallucinations? ...Nah, I'm not paid enough.
Gwen: Stop! I have questions for yooou're not him.
Weevil: GRAAR.
Gwen: Don't suppose you've seen a man in an RAF greatcoat?
Weevil: *eats a random passerby*
Gwen: Maybe I'll just leave you be.
Owen: Grab it!
Tosh: Is this the right Weevil? I thought the one we were after was bigger.
Jack: Sometimes you have to settle for the lesser of -- (spotting Gwen) Hey! Get out of here!
Owen: Oh, thank God. If I hear him make that joke one more time I'm shooting myself.
Gwen: Whew! I got away from them!
(pause)
Gwen: Which I didn't want! Why did I let him shoo me?!
Torchwood SUV: *sideswipe*
Gwen: Oh, that tears it! Where's Andy's car? I refuse to be the only victim in this episode!
Yvonne: So as far as this Captain Jack, I'm finding a lot of references to a pirate by that name. There's another one in Whitby who sailed to the Arctic. Then there's one who's a sort of shady merchant on Mars...
Gwen: (over the phone) What database are you searching?! And I told you his last name was Harkness!
Yvonne: Oh. Then is his first name still -- Gwen? Hello? ...Oh well, should be fine. How many Captain Harknesses can there be?
Gwen: You! Torchwood! Stop pretending you can't hear me! ...Well, FINE then! Walk past that perfectly innocuous monument! See if I care!
Torchwood: (POOF)
Gwen: ...But I care a lot, though.
Andy: You took my car!
Gwen: And you caught up already on foot? How?
Andy: Don't change the subject! The hospital says no one's missing and you're seeing things! Go home and get some rest!
Gwen: Oh, fine. *drives off*
Andy: -- Are you kidding me?!
Gwen: Honey, I'm hoooonope, it's bothering me too much. I have to go back.
Rhys: *blink*
Pizza Guy: I guess I can let you see the names on our customer list, but not --
Gwen: Aha! Torchwood!
Pizza Guy: Oh, their address I'll give you. They tip like misers.
Ianto: Right this way. Try not to drop the pizza when you see --
Gwen: This is a Batcave! This is an actual Batcave!
Jack: How 'bout that, huh? Our HQ is bigger on the underside!
Tosh: Why do you always phrase it like that?
Pterodactyl: *eats the pizza*
Jack: Since you've come this far, I guess we should introduce ourselves. I'm the mysterious, charismatic leader.
Ianto: I'm mysterious too, but in more of a sad sort of way.
Suzie: I'm... hmm, I guess I have no notable traits yet. I'm sure they'll come later.
Tosh: I'm the requisite super-hacker and, as far as I can tell, the entire Asian population of this city.
Owen: And I'm an absolute prick. With hidden depths, of course, but I work hard to keep them that way.
Gwen: Oh, you must be the one who doesn't tip.
Owen: It's a racket to bankrupt the working man!
Jack: Annnd we're back. See? I told you nobody could see this elevator.
Gwen: How?!
Jack: Eh, as far as I'm concerned, it's somebody else's problem.
(Montage of Suzie, Tosh, and Owen each having snuck some alien tech home)
Tosh: Should we really be making our first impression like this? It makes us look both irresponsible and bad at our jobs.
Ianto: I've been reading ahead in the scripts and that'll be a bit of a theme.
Owen: *sprays self with alien substance* Hey, come here often?
Girl: Wow! Let's bang!
Owen: (Oh wait... this isn't rape, is it?)
Girl's Boyfriend: Wow! Let's bang!
Owen: (Whew, now it's wacky and progressive.)
Jack: ...and then everybody died. Just everybody. So I took over and rebuilt Torchwood in my own image.
Gwen: I hope the first thing you changed was the fatality rate!
Jack: Uh, yeah, of course. Have I mentioned yet that I'm pansexual? It's important that we bring that up a lot.
Gwen: What you do with cookware is your own business. ...Ugh, why do I feel like I'm forgetting things?
Jack: Oh, I drugged you. There's a lot of that in this episode. Didn't you think it was suspicious that I told you my entire life story?
Gwen: I thought we were bonding! You monster! *runs out*
Jack: If it helps, I made a lot of it up.
Gwen: Have to type up everything before... no! Why is it deleting itself?!
Ianto: (God bless the information age. With a pen and paper, she'd have us sorted.)
Rhys: So yesterday you got hurt, went to the hospital, came home, immediately left again, returned past midnight and fell asleep typing nothing. Is there something I should know?
Gwen: ...No, of course not.
Rhys: Good, 'cause I have no idea what would fit that evidence. Tea?
Yvonne: So as far as this Captain Harkness, there's an Australian boomerang mascot by that name. Apparently he's somehow leveraged that job into mercenary work and --
Gwen: What in the world are you talking about? *walks off*
Yvonne: It's just as well. She wouldn't want to get involved with some Suicide Squad.
Andy: And I says to Geoff, I says --
Sergeant: We've determined the murder weapon --
Rhys: So of course I go get a big --
Gwen: Wait, I'm getting deja vu about that murder weapon! Go back!
Life Fast-Forwarder: No such function available.
Gwen: Dammit, I knew there was some reason that chav sold you to me so cheap!
Suzie: So you're back! I knew you were figuring me out!
Gwen: Figuring what out? I just noticed I had a fast-travel point here even though I don't remember visiting.
Suzie: I've been killing people to bring back with that alien glove! (And maybe other stuff.) But now it's all over because of you!
Jack: *silently rises up via eleva--* BLAM
Suzie: That's on you too! You've spoiled it all!
Gwen: Listen, I just got my memories back and I still don't remember you. We barely met!
Jack: (healing) It's over, Suzi--
Suzie: Ahh! Zombie! You'll never get my brain! *shoots self*
Jack: Pity, now I can't ask how she got her name into the credits. That was good camouflage.
Torchwood Team: *hands over alien tech to be locked up*
Jack: I trust we've all learned a lesson here. And Owen, let's have that rhyme I taught you...
Owen: (sigh) "Alien spray is not okay."
Jack: Good. Team, this is the start of a new era of competence for us.
Ianto: *shakes head sadly*
Jack: And you stop reading ahead. It's not healthy.
Gwen: So you were brought back to life too hard and now you can't die?
Jack: Yep, that's an actual concept that grown adults came up with. Keep it to yourself, I like surprising people.
Gwen: And you really want me to join the team?
Jack: There's a lot of people in this city that need helping! You gay?
Gwen: I'm -- wait, don't you mean "game"?
Jack: Nope. I rebuilt Torchwood in my own image, remember? That's the first line in the contract!
(The adventure begins at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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