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The X-Files: Five-Minute "4-D"

by Kira

A manifestation of Alternate Universe Week

Reyes: (over the radio) I'm going after this dangerous killer all alone. Wish me luck.
Doggett: Shouldn't we go give her some backup?
Follmer: Nah, let's wait. I'm hoping the whole "damsel in distress" scenario will land me a date.
Doggett: Say, that's a good plan.
Reyes: Hey, guys? Nobody wished me lu-- GAK!
Follmer: Nuts. I was going for "damsel in distress," not "damsel in a casket."

Doggett: Freeze, dirtbag!
Lukesh: By "freeze," do you mean "vanish into thin air and reappear behind me"?
Doggett: No, I mean --
Lukesh: (poof) Too late.

Doggett: Happy, uh... new apartment, Monica. Want some of my sausage?
Reyes: Um... thanks, but no thanks.
Skinner: (over the phone) Bad news, Agent Reyes. Agent Doggett --
Reyes: -- is a sicko. I know that already.
Skinner: No, he's --
Reyes: -- actually brought me some Polish sausage? Then I guess he's just a harmless idiot. Hey, where did he go? Are you playing hide the sausage on me again, John?
Skinner: Let me finish a sentence, dammit! He's been shot.
Reyes: Pfft. Over my dead body.
Skinner: No, we don't know about that part yet.

Reyes: I'm telling you, there has to be some kind of mistake. John was with me.
Scully: I think you've misunderstood the whole "Agent Doggett has been shot" situation -- it's the shooter who needs an alibi, not the victim.
Follmer: The bullet that shot Doggett came from an FBI weapon, possibly belonging to someone in this room whose initials are M. R.
Reyes: But it couldn't have been me! I was with John when he was shot!
Scully: You really do have trouble with the concept of an alibi, don't you?

Reyes: I don't understand how this was possible. John and I were enjoying his sausage and then... he was just gone.
Scully: More than I needed to know. When my father died, he came to me to say goodbye. Maybe that's what happened to you.
Reyes: Maybe you're just a screwball.
Scully: I don't know why I keep helping you.

Follmer: Do you recognize this, Agent Reyes?
Reyes: It's a bullet.
Follmer: So you admit you shot Agent Doggett?
Reyes: What? No! What kind of retarded interrogation is this?
Follmer: It's not an interrogation so much as a set up for our eyewitness to i.d. you.
Lukesh: That's her all right. She's the one that shot him.
Police Officer: Thanks for your cooperation, creepy guy.

Skinner: Things are looking bad for you, Agent Reyes.
Reyes: But I was nowhere near the crime scene. And my gun hasn't been fired!
Scully: You know what they say -- everyone's guilty of something.
Reyes: Not me.
Skinner: Look! Agent Doggett is tapping something out in morse code.
Scully: What's he saying?
Skinner: "What about that time you...." Agent Reyes, plug his ventillator back in.

Lukesh's Mother: Erwin, is that you or a horrible murderer sneaking in?
Lukesh: Is that a trick question?

Skinner: This is the man who says he saw you shoot Agent Doggett.
Reyes: Your only eyewitness was in a mental institution? Geez, your case against me just keeps getting tighter and tighter, doesn't it?
Skinner: I told them "sarcasm" should have been "skepticism" in that help wanted ad you responded to last season.
Follmer: (over the phone) Skinner, bring Agent Reyes to the hospital.
Skinner: So Agent Doggett can clear her?
Follmer: Well, his first choice is to throttle her for the thing with his ventillator earlier, but since he's practically a vegetable he settled for having her question him.

Scully: We've set up this nifty system so Agent Doggett can communicate with us using morse code.
Skinner: I still don't see why we couldn't just give him a "yes" button and a "no" button.
Follmer: This way I don't have to list off every suspect to find out who the shooter is.
Skinner: Isn't Agent Reyes your only suspect?
Follmer: Shut up. Agent Doggett, can you tell us who shot you?
Doggett: (Monica)
Follmer: Ha! In your face, Reyes!
Doggett: (My bad. I meant same guy who killed Monica)
Follmer: Dang.

Reyes: There's only one possible explanation for this: a government conspiracy. No, wait, aliens. No, wait, super-soldiers. No, wait --
Doggett: (Parallel universes?)
Reyes: Of course! That explains everything! It's a government conspiracy to send super-soldiers to parallel universes to hide evidence of aliens!
Doggett: (Or you imagining things)
Reyes: Klingons do not imagine things!

Follmer: There are holes the size of the Titanic in your story, Mr. Lukesh. I need to clear them up before I can continue my witch-hunt against Agent Reyes.
Lukesh: Holes? What kind of holes?
Skinner: Agent Doggett says you shot him, for one. Would you consent to a GSR test?
Lukesh: Of course -- I think they're all wrong for each other. Satisfied?
Skinner: Not really. Is there anyone who can prove your innocence?
Lukesh: It's my word against Agent Reyes and you need more proof?
Follmer: He's right -- I say we arrest her.

Lukesh's Mother: Erwin, I found this gun in the drawer. Explain yourself, young man!
Lukesh: Um.... it's not mine?
Lukesh's Mother: And what's this score sheet that says "Lukesh 2, FBI 0"?
Lukesh: Here, let me update that. (writes on the sheet)
Lukesh's Mother: "Lukesh 3, FBI 0, Mom 0"? I don't underst-- GAK!

Skinner: (over the phone) Bad news, Agent Reyes. Lukesh killed his mother and vanished.
Reyes: Why don't we use me as bait? That worked last time.
Skinner: According to Doggett he slit your throat.
Reyes: A minor technicality. Do you have a better plan?
Skinner: Yes, but the ninjas won't be here until Tuesday.

Follmer: (into the radio) Relax, Monica. There's no way that a guy who can move between dimensions is going to sneak past us. Hello? Monica?
Scully: I told you that we should have wished her luck.

Lukesh: I can't believe you ruined everything! You'd have thought my slitting your throat was enough to teach you a lesson... guess I'll have to do it again.
Reyes: Fine, but know this: I'm on to your alien plot to save the planet from super-soldiers by using a government conspiracy.
Lukesh: Did they make you read the X-Files before you took this job?
Reyes: I skimmed them. Why?
Lukesh: No reas-- GAK!
FBI Sharpshooter: Got him, sir.
Follmer: Great! Maybe now she'll go out with me.
Reyes: You've been persecuting me for the entire episode!
Follmer: What, should we count that as our first date or something?

Doggett: (If your theory right then only one way fix)
Reyes: You're right: I must find the cigarette-smoking man.
Doggett: (No you pull plug on me)
Reyes: What? I could never do that to someone that I --
Doggett: (Those pants make you look fat)
Reyes: This plug right here?

Doggett: So, do you want a taste of my sausage, or what?
Reyes: I, uh... I think I have a date with Agent Follmer.
(Reyes backs away at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 18, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the eternally misnamed 20th-Century Fox. 5MV's intent isn't to infringe on that, though I'm tempted where Fox is concerned. Hey, think Mulder was named after them?

All material © 2003, Carolyn Paterson.