Five-Minute "Chex Quest"

Five-Minute Chex Quest

President: Okay, here's the deal. Evil slime monsters called flemoids have invaded our nutritional center on Bazoik.
Scientist: They're from another dimension and we've got to send them back.
President: Any questions?
Chex Guy: Yeah; we're cereal pieces, how can we talk?
President: Just for that, I'm sending you to Bazoik.
Chex Guy: Rats.

Chex Guy: Alright, now that I'm here, I might as well kill some flemoids. DIE EVIL FLEMOIDS!
Flemoids: No, not "die." This is a non-violent game, remember? You're just sending us back to our own dimension.
Chex Guy: Ahem.
Flemoids: Oh yeah. GAK!

Flying Flemoid: Hi, I'm a one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people-eater.
Chex Guy: No, you're a one-eyed-one-horned-flying-green-flemoid-that-says-"GAK"-when-I-shoot-it.
Flying Flemoid: GAK!
Chex Guy: See what I mean?

Chex Guy: Hooray! A big bowl of cereal!
Flemoid: Wait a minute, you're a piece of cereal -- you shouldn't be eating cereal.
Chex Guy: Be quiet.
Flemoid: Cannibal!
Chex Guy: That's it. DIE EVIL FLEMOID!
Flemoid: GAK!

Chex Guy: Cool! A really big gun in a secret chamber! I can kill a lot of flemoids with this!
Flemoid: How many times do we have to tell you? You don't actually kill us.
Chex Guy: Hey, where did you come from? This is a secret chamber which only super cereal pieces like me can enter.
Flemoid: Um... I know of an even more secret entrance.
Chex Guy: And I know that you will DIE EVIL FLEMOID!
Flemoid: GAK!

Femoids: Hi, we thought you should get a break from giving all the exposition. You're in the laboratory now.
Chex Guy: Thanks. Mind if I shoot you now?
Flemoids: GAK!

Chex Guy: Look at all those fruit trees growing here! I'll just eat some of the fruit to restore my health.
Flemoid: That's what you think.
Chex Guy: You mean I can't pick the fruit?
Flemoid: Well... that too, but I meant that I'll slime you to death before you get a chance to.
Chex Guy: Oh yeah? DIE EVIL FLEMOID!
Flemoid: GAK!
Chex Guy: Works every time...

Chex Guy: Well, here I am on the last level. I have two choices: fight my way through untold hundreds of flemoids, or take the shortcut straight to the boss' cave.
Flemoids: Take the long way! Take the long way!
Chex Guy: I think I'll take the shortcut.
Flemoids: Spoilsport.

Flemoid Boss: Bwa-ha-ha! You'll never defeat me! Not even if you say your tagline!
Chex Guy: The one that I said works every time? "DIE EVIL FLEMOID"?
Flemoid Boss: Yeah, that's the one. Oh, um, GAK!
Chex Guy: I told you it works.

Pieces of Cereal: Thanks for rescuing us.
Chex Guy: What? Who are you?
Pieces of Cereal: We're the whole reason you came.
Chex Guy: Hmm... I guess that part got left out of the fiver. Anyway, that's the last we'll see of the flemoids.
Pieces of Cereal: Actually, it isn't.
Chex Guy: Rats.
(Flemoids return at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

Next fiver: Chex Quest 2

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This fiver was originally published on September 13, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: The characters in this fiver are copyrighted by... no, I'm still just too weirded out by the whole idea of a breakfast cereal game based on Doom. Ask me again later.