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Five-Minute EarthBound

by SimonBob

An incursion of Time Travel Week

Ness: Ahh, what a peaceful night. It's nice to get eight hours of sleep once in a while.
Meteor: Wooooosh! CRASH!
Ness: ...Someone's gonna pay for this.

Pokey: Go home, Ness. I'm investigating the meteor, but you're annoying the cops!
Ness: Whatever you say, fatso. (Must resist urge to hit with bat....)

(Time Passes)
Ness: I'm not getting any sleep tonight, am I?
Pokey: My brother Picky is missing!
Ness: Figures. You were in charge of him.
Pokey: You're my bestest friend....
Ness: Only because you don't have any friends.
Pokey: ...won't you help me find him?
Ness: Grrrrrrrrr...1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10... (sigh) All right, fine.
Ness's Mom: Don't forget to change out of your jammies!
Ness: Mo-om! Ixnay on the ammiesjay in front of the neighbours, k?

Spiteful Crow: Caw! Caw!
Pokey: AIEEE! Getitawaygetitawaygetitaway!
Ness: This is me knocking Pokey's teeth out with my bat.... (SMASH!)
Pokey: Sweet, it dropped a cookie!

Picky: Oh, hey guys. Pokey ran off when--ERK! OW!
Pokey: Heh heh, that's my bro, always making up stories.
Ness: Or he would be if you weren't suffocating him.

Buzz Buzz: Hey there Ness, blah blah Giygas blah blah Chosen Four blah blah Nightmare Rock blah blah adventure blah blah blah.
Ness: Goodbye, regular sleep patterns.

Starman Jr.: Time to die, bug!
Buzz Buzz: PSI Shield!
Starman Jr.: Curses! He exposed my one weakness: A complete lack of physical attacks!

Aloysius Minch: I'm gonna kill you boys! Offscreen, of course, so that Nintendo can give the game an 'E' rating.
Buzz Buzz: OWWW blah blah Sound Stone blah blah Your Sanctuary blah blah croak.
Ness: Poor ol' Buzz Buzz...but at least I got this vision-inducing rock!

Photo Man: (swoops down from the sky) Say "Fuzzy Pickles!"
Ness: Either I'm dead tired from being up till dawn, or there's a big problem with the Sound Stone.

Frank: Hey, how'd you get past my gang in the arcade?
Ness: Gave 'em some quarters. Now, are you gonna fight me yourself, or send in your ineffective robot who only attacks every second turn?
Frank: I'd rather do both.
Ness: Aw, fiddlesticks.

Titanic Ant: This is the first "Your Sanctuary."
Ness: Cool. Can I have it?
Titanic Ant: No, you have to fight me for it.
Ness: Are you sure? I could trade you a Travel Charm for it.
Titanic Ant: No deal. Time to fight.
Ness: Umm...look over there! (ZOINK!)
Titanic Ant: Darnit! Gets me every time.

Captain Strong: If you want to get past the Onett Police's roadblock to Twoson, you have to beat up four cops plus me.
Ness: All this to cross city lines? What would I have to do for a driver's licence?

Paula: Hey, Ness. I'm sending you a mysterious psychic message to come get me.
Ness: Argh! No matter how good I am at anything, even psychic powers, there's always someone better!

Apple Kid: Got anything to eat?
Ness: Why don't you just eat your own apple-like head?
Apple Kid: C'mon, I'll give you a Pencil Eraser to destroy the iron pencil statue with.
Ness: Well, I am lured and dazzled by technology...all right, have this fruit juice I found in the garbage can.

Paula: Oh, hi Ness. What took you?
Ness: Gasp...pant...what's with all the exploding trees?
Paula: Gasoline-based fertilizer, I'm guessing.

Carpainter: Would you believe that I want to turn the whole world blue?
Ness: Depends. What kind of explanation do you have for me?
Carpainter: The world would be a better place?
Ness: I kinda like the world coloured how it is, thanks.
Carpainter: I'm gonna shock you with lightning if you disagree.
Ness: I got this Franklin Badge from Paula, it'd just reflect on you.
Carpainter: Um...this freaky statue is making me do it?
Ness: Yeah, that'll do.

Paula: So, now that you've rescued me, what's the plan? Will you take me back to Twoson, where you can be a hero and we can live happily ever after?
Ness: Actually, I thought we'd explore this dank, musty cave and fight the giant mole within.
Paula: How...romantic.

Everdred: Oh, you came back with Paula? Here, have 10,000 dollars.
Runaway Five: 'Ey, ya brought back Paula! Have a Backstage Pass to our show!
Ness: Wow, Paula! If I'd known you could get me all this free stuff, I'd have saved you a long time ago!
Paula: Don't get too excited. We're giving that money to the manager to get the Runaway Five out of debt.
Ness: But I want the money!
Paula: Don't feel too bad; they're giving us a ride in their tour bus.

Paula: Something seems fishy about this "Threed" place. I don't think zombies are supposed to be crawling the streets.
Ness: Nonsense, it's perfectly normal. See, that weird woman in the bikini is waving hello! Let's follow her into the hotel!
Zombie Ambush Squad: Yeesh, do heroes get any dumber?

Paula: Hey, Mr. Friend-We've-Never-Met! Wake up and bust us out of jail!
Jeff: If I weren't so nerdy and socially inept, maybe I'd learn to ignore these voices in my head.

Dr. Andonuts: Oh, hi Jeff. Haven't seen you in about ten years.
Jeff: Way to raise me, dad! Why didn't you just give me up for adoption, huh?
Dr. Andonuts: Hey, I grew up in a boarding school, and I turned out alright. Want to see my latest invention? It's a giant mousetrap.
Jeff: The phrase is "build a better mousetrap," dad.

Jeff: Okay, so I've found Ness and Paula's location with the Sky Runner. The brilliant thing to do would be to land carefully and then fly them to wherever we need to go.
Sky Runner: CRASH!
Ness: And you thought I was dumb for walking into that ambush.

Apple Kid: Hey, Ness! I invented this new "Zombie Paper" to get rid of the zombies in Threed!
Ness: Does it work?
Zombie: Does it work? Wow, kid, that paper is like nectar to my undead nose! Just unglue me from the paper and I'll tell you more....
Ness: Cool! Now we just need to invent "Exp. Paper" and we'll never have to raise levels again!

Ness: Oh look, an underground passage to..."Saturn Valley?"
Mr. Saturn: i'M mIsTeR sAtUrN! bOiNg!
Ness: It's impossible to tell you how incredibly cool that font is.

Master Belch: Gheh! Puke! Drown to death in bile, Spanky!
Ness: "Spanky?"
Jeff: Luckily, with this Fly Honey to distract Belch, this fight is nothing but free EXP.
Paula: I dunno, his breath is starting to get to me....

Ness: Weehoo, takin' the bus to Fourside...Look, there's the desert. No need to stop there.
Bus Driver: Look, there's a traffic jam. I'm going to let you off here. Have fun in the desert!
Paula: How about I do all the expositional talking from now on?

Miner: Hey, I'm starving. Got any food?
Ness: Y'know, there was a perfectly good hamburger in that gift box about twenty meters from here.

Runaway Five: 'Eyyy, check it out, our band is in debt again!
Ness: Really? What kind of contract did you sign?
Runaway Five: Contract?

Miner: Hey, look! In the ten minutes or so that you've been gone, I dug my way into this extensive cave system!
Ness: All that from one hamburger? You must be some kind of super-miner. Wanna join the party?
Miner: No, but I will give you this worthless diamond!
Paula: What? You're going to give that away?
Ness: Paula, he's a gold miner.
Paula: Humph! Just for being a greedy scumbag, I'm making you get the Runaway Five out of debt again.
Ness: Oh boy, maybe they'll reward us with another ride in the bus.

Paula: Oooh! The Department Store is opening again! Let's go shopping!
Ness: Sometimes I just wish she'd disappear....
Kidnapper: Be careful what you wish for.

Scruffy Dude: You wanna talk to this trampled guy? You can have my spot if you give me some food.
Ness: Does everyone in this game have to mooch off me?

eduD edisnooM: Wel com eto Moo nsi de.
Ness: This is almost as confusing as that Mr. Saturn font. What next, a cave full of monkeys?

Apple Kid: I'm sending you a Trout Yogurt machine!
Electra the Maid: By sheer coincidence, I want a Trout Yogurt machine.
Delivery Guy: Also by sheer coincidence, I dropped your Trout Yogurt machine in the desert.
Ness: Great, just great...where in the desert?
Delivery Guy: In a cave full of monkeys.
Jeff: Hey, that's pretty funny, 'cause back in Moonside he was like "What next, a cave--"
Ness: Shut up, Jeff.

Paula: Oh, hey guys. What kept you?
Ness: Cave full of monkeys and some plot exposition from a floating guru. Where to next?
Paula: I think we need to go back to Threed.
Ness: Yeah, well, I think we need to go to Summers, so let's go "borrow" the mayor's helicopter.
Pokey: Too slow, sucker! (flies away)
Ness: So, Threed okay with everyone?

Jeff: Sure was nice of those guys to repaint the Sky Runner so I could crash it in Summers.
Magic Cake Lady: Try some of this Magic Cake, dudes, it's groooovy!
Ness: Well, I do have the munchies....

Master: Blah blah Prince Poo blah blah complete your training blah blah blah.
Poo: What kind of parents named me "Poo?" Argh, I have to get out of this country.... (teleports)

Poo: Hi, I'm Poo.
Ness: What kind of parents....
Poo: Yeah, we've done that joke already.

Boat Captain: Don't worry! I'll defeat the Kraken with my slippers of doom!
Ness: Um, maybe you should leave the fighting to us experienced fighters. Jeff! Throw the Dirty Socks we got in Fourside!

Star Master: Poo has to leave the group to learn the power of Starstorm.
Ness: Man, I was just getting used to having a second healer in the party.
Poo: Don't worry, I'm sure I'll show up again at some plot-related event.

Dungeon Man: Hey, I can follow you as long as there are no palm trees to stop me.
Palm Trees: Oh! A challenge!

Master Barf: I'm back, with a refurbished name!
Poo: I'm back too, with massive butt-kicking psychic power.
Master Barf: Darn, I hate being one-upped.

Apple Kid: Help! I'm being kidnapped!
Ness: Eh.
Orange Kid: In other news, Apple Kid had the book you needed to advance the plot.

Starman Super: Whoops, I died...here, you get a Sword of Kings for Poo.
Poo: Cool! Now I need a sword-swinging sound effect. Let's see, "Slash" is taken, "Chop" is taken....

Apple Kid: The "Overcoming Shyness" book? I returned it to the library. Why?
Ness: Doesn't anything stay put in this stupid game?

Sound Stone: Congratulations on going to all the Sanctuaries. Now you get sucked into a magical fantasy world full of gumdrop houses and psychedelic colours.
Ness: At least I get to keep all the EXP for myself! Mwahahaha!

Dr. Andonuts: Guess what? You have to go back in time to fight Giygas, but only robots can be sent through time.
Crono: You can say that again, doc!
Ness: Psst! Crono! Did you get lots of terrible lines in your fiver, too?

Pokey: Hey, look at me! I've got all this heavy armour now!
Ness: Paralysis!
Pokey: Whoops. Um, time to make Giygas really mad.

Ness: He's killing us. Any ideas?
Jeff: I don't think we have a prayer.
Paula: Sure we do. I have a Prayer command right there, see, next to "Goods."
Giygas: If there's one thing I hate more than a smartass heroine, it's getting taken out by a bunch of good-hearted people.

Ness: Right! Game's over, everyone outta my house!
(The credits roll at Ludicrous Speed...but then!)
Picky: KNOCK KNOCK! Hey, Ness, I know it's the middle of the night....
Ness: I am NOT going to look at any meteorites until the morning.
Picky: No, no! It's a letter from my brother! He says he's gonna get you!


Ness: Cool! All that foreshadowing must mean there's a sequel planned!

(Seven years later)
Ness: Yep. EB2, comin' right up. Aaaany minute now. (taps fingers impatiently)


Got a comment on this guest fiver? Contact the author, SimonBob.

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This fiver was originally published on June 28, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Nintendo, and I'm a fan of theirs, so I'm not stomping all over their trademarks just because I can. I'm just spreading the entertainment around, which is what it's all about, right?

All material © 2001, Kevin Williams.