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Five-Minute "Alliances"

by Kira

Chakotay: Captain, we're getting the stuffing kicked out of us. Shouldn't we do something?
Janeway: Meh.
Kurt Bendera: GAK!
Janeway: Well, when you put it that way....

Torres: The ship's in really bad shape. We'll be lucky to get it running again.
Janeway: That would be terrible if I actually believed you. You'll have everything fixed in about fifteen minutes, right?
Torres: More like ten...but did you have to ruin the desperate atmosphere?

Chakotay: We're following Starfleet rules and getting whipped big time. We should do things the Maquis way.
Janeway: Will the ship get pounded repeatedly?
Chakotay: No, probably not.
Janeway: Then no.

Chakotay: Alas, poor Kurt. We knew him well.
Paris: Actually, we never saw him before today.
Chakotay: Oh. Well, I'm sure he was an okay guy. Too bad he wore yellow.

Hogan: Captain, have you considered that Starfleet sucks? We should give cool toys to the Kazon.
Janeway: No. And you're both fired.
Hogan: Hey -- that's not fair! You suck!
Janeway: Oh, that's it. You two are so getting killed off.
Jonas: And I am so defecting. Oops -- did I say that out loud?

Chakotay: I think we should make a deal with the Kazon.
Janeway: Nah. I want to test out the self-destruct button a few times first.

Janeway: No way I'm making an alliance with the Kazon.
Tuvok: The episode title is "Alliances."
Janeway: Oh. In that case, yes.

Janeway: We're making an alliance with the Kazon.
Kim: But Captain --
Janeway: Harry, are you sure you want to waste your one line objecting when I've already decided?
Janeway: I didn't think so.

Janeway: Guess what, Chakotay? Since you disagreed with me, I invited Seska.
Chakotay: Grrr.
Seska: Ha! Seska 1, Chakotay 0!
Culluh: Ahem.
Seska: Oops. I mean, Maj Culluh 1, Chakotay 0.
Culluh: That's better.

Mabus: Hey -- are you from that ship that'll believe anyone's sob story?
Neelix: Why, yes I am.
Mabus: In that case, I have a sob story for you.

Janeway: All right, Culluh. You don't like me and I don't like you.
Culluh: I like you.
Janeway: Really? Maybe this will work out after all.
Culluh: Hey, Seska, you were right! She fell for it!
Seska and Culluh: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Janeway: Boy, your alliance idea sure was brilliant, eh, Chakotay? You're fired.

Neelix: Captain, I'd like you to meet Mabus. He has a really good sob story.
Mabus: Mwahahahahaha! I mean, I want to make peace with the Kazon.
Janeway: Awww. I like you much better than Culluh.
Paris: If they enslaved the Kazon, isn't it possible they're bad guys?
Janeway: Quiet, you! You're fired.

Neelix: Somebody's trying to sabotage the conference.
Mabus: That's right, suckers! Mwahahahaha!
Neelix: Did you say something?
Mabus: No, not me.
Janeway: Well, we'll just have to be careful. And if anything happens, Neelix, you're fired.

Janeway: And so, now to begin the peace talks --
Mabus: Captain, perhaps this would be a good time for a break, if you know what I mean? (Wink, wink)
Janeway: Huh?
Mabus: I think we should leave the Kazon alone near this large window. (Wink, wink).
Janeway: Say what?
Tuvok: Oh, for crying out loud. He's going to assassinate them.
Janeway: Oh. I knew that. You're fired. You too, Neelix. And Mabus, I can't fire you, but you suck.

Janeway: Let's get out of here...hey, why are you driving?
Torres: You fired everyone else. Except Harry.
Kim: Hey, yeah! I never got my one line!
Janeway: Shut up, Harry. That was your one line. And you're fired.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 14, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Carolyn Paterson.