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Five-Minute "Innocence"

by Kira

Ensign Bennet: Hey, you're not Chakotay. Why am I dying?
Tuvok: I thought crashing a shuttle would be good practice for the next time I have to go evil.
Bennet: But -- GAK!
Tuvok: I wonder if there's any way I can get some character development out of this.
Tressa: Hi. We're three abandoned children in need of guidance and protection.
Tuvok: Excellent.

Chakotay: What's that you're carrying?
Janeway: A Magic 8 Ball. With Tuvok off the ship, I need somebody to tell me what to do.
Chakotay: Kathryn, I'm insulted. We spent all that time isolated together and you won't even take my advice?
Janeway: "Resolutions" isnít for another three episodes, moron.
Chakotay: Objection withdrawn.

Alcia: Hi! I'm a stereotypic stubborn xenophobe who's going to thwart you at every possible step.
Janeway: Hi! I'm a pigheaded Starfleet Captain who's going to make your life miserable by stomping on all your traditions.
Alcia: Peachy.

Corin: We're scared, Tuvok. We're nearing the end of our lives and there's a cave over there where we're supposed to die and become converted to energy.
Tressa: Quiet, you idiot, that's for later.
Corin: Uh, right. Aaaaa! There's a scary monster in that cave!
Tuvok: A monster, eh? I'd better go investigate.
Elani: Nah. That can wait until after Corin and I mysteriously disappear.

Tuvok: You kids should be more like me. Here, try meditating.
Elani: Should you be teaching us all this Vulcan stuff? What about the Prime Directive?
Tuvok: The what? Sorry, I was busy with my character development.
Elani: Never mind.

Chakotay: Everybody has returned except Tuvok. Let's beat it before he turns up.
Janeway: Nah, we'd better find him. He's marginally more interesting than my Magic 8 Ball.
Magic 8 Ball: Oh yeah? Watch this. (Ahem) Impressive. Fascinating. I suggest a mind meld.
Chakotay: I can hardly tell the difference.

Alcia: (over the comm) This moon is sacred. Please don't defile it by, say, sending a shuttle down to the surface.
Janeway: Oo! Should I do that? (shake shake shake) "Ask again later." We'll hold off on the shuttle thing.
Chakotay: I think --
Janeway: I don't recall shaking you.

Tressa: Corin and Elani have disappeared!
Tuvok: Phew. Maybe now I can have some peace and quiet.
Tressa: Hey! Aren't you worried?
Tuvok: No. I'm sure you'll disappear too before long.

Tuvok: (over the comm) Yo.
Janeway: Risk a diplomatic incident to rescue you? Whatever you say, Tuvok.
Alcia: (over the comm) If you try to rescue him, you'll be insulting all our beliefs.
Janeway: It's what I do. Prepare a shuttle.
Chakotay: I'll go.
Janeway: Hmm...should I send Chakotay? (shake shake shake) "Outlook grim." Tom, youíre with me.

Alcia: And now for the big reveal...this cute kid's an old geezer!
Tuvok: Whoa! And I thought I looked young for my age.
Janeway: Should I believe her? (shake shake shake)
Magic 8 Ball: Can't you decide anything for yourself? I might as well be running the ship.

Tressa: I have to go die now.
Tuvok: 'Kay. Mind if I come?
Tressa: Meh.

Chakotay: Hey, where's the Captain?
Magic 8 Ball: I give the orders around here now. Let's get out of here before Tuvok gets back.
(Will Voyager blast off at Ludicrous Speed? All signs point to yes.)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on June 4, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Carolyn Paterson.