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Five-Minute "Night"

by Species 5236

Chaotica: And that is why I shall rule the world! BWAHAHAHA!
Chaotica: Stop screaming! If you don't speak, we won't have to pay you.

Paris: Captain Proton to the rescue!
Paris: That's right, I'm Spaceman First Class, protector of Earth, and scourge of intergalactic overacting!

Doc: Mr. Paris, I insist that you cease this useless program so I can waste power practicing opera.
Paris: Er...robot, attack!

Chakotay: Holodeck two, we're detecting high levels of ego particles in your vicinity. Who's in there?
Kim: Uh...Paris and Doc are here.
Chakotay: That explains it, then.

Chakotay: I order you to give me good news.
Seven: Then I suppose I must disobey.
Chakotay: I've had enough of your insubordination. Get to the brig.

Torres: You know, Captain Janeway's been acting weird lately.
Chakotay: Shut up.
Torres: It's true. She's been all aloof and stuff.
Chakotay: Shut up.
Torres: So are you....
Chakotay: Okay, what part of "shut up" don't you understand?

Paris: You're stupid.
Torres: No, you're stupid.
Neelix: I think I can resolve this. You're both stupid.

Seven: What are you doing in my Astrometrics lab? This is a designated no-fun zone.
Tuvok: My apologies. I use the stars to meditate and the only 'star' visible in my quarters is a starchart.
Seven: You do realize that joke makes no sense whatsoever.
Tuvok: If you were a Vulcan, you'd be cracking up right now.

Chakotay: Today's report: space, space, space, theta radiation, and space.
Janeway: Theta radiation? Investigate it. And go away.
Chakotay: What's wrong with you, Kathryn?
Janeway: There's only so many times you can watch "Brian's Song" without breaking down. Oh, and I think I made a mistake four years ago.
Chakotay: Only one?
Janeway: Get out.

Kim's Clarinet: Doop-de-doop! Doo-doop-de-doo!
Kim: Cel-a-brate good times, come on!
Tuvok: What are you doing, ensign?
Kim: Uh...Tuvok! Nothing, just being depressed, as usual.
Tuvok: Very well. Carry on.

Seven: If I'm to play your game, can I at least wear an incredibly skimpy outfit?
Paris: No, it would cause heart attacks in our target demographic.

Kim's Clarinet: {funeral march}
Tuvok: If only the lights were off, the mood would be perfect.
Kim: Stop foreshadowing.

Paris: I need something to open this hatch...hey, what's that!
Seven: What?
Paris: That living creature over there.
Seven: (zap) There is no living creature over there.

Neelix: Ah! A monster! Killitkillitkillit!
Janeway: (zap)
Chakotay: Thanks. Neelix was starting to get on my nerves.

Torres: We'll have to reroute the technobabble manifolds to restore power.
Janeway: Did you try using the batteries?
Torres: I knew I was forgetting something.

Tuvok: Captain, alien ships are attacking. Permission to return fire?
Janeway: No, wait until the shields are down to 47%.

Chakotay: The aliens have ceased their attacks, and the intruders beamed off the ship.
Janeway: Good. Now, nothing else will possibly go wrong. I'm going to resume brooding.

Kim: We're being hailed by a friendly ship.
Tuvok: Haven't you learned that there is no such thing as a friendly ship in the Delta Quadrant?

Janeway: You know, you didn't have to save us. I could have done it myself.
Emck: Sure, sure. Wanna hitch a ride with me through a vortex to the other side of the expanse?
Janeway: Ehh...I don't think so. I'm not finished brooding.

Doc: This is the little guy we found in the holodeck. Isn't he a cutie?
Janeway: What's his condition?
Doc: Oh, just a phaser burn, a couple of bumps, a bruise or two. I give him 10 hours to live.

Alien: They're killing us by dumping radiation into our void!
Janeway: Have you contacted the Malon leadership?
Alien: Yeah, but their Congress is the hands of the trash export lobbyists.

Chakotay: Hey! Ear-boy! Get your butt over here, dumb head, I need your help.
Tuvok: Why should I help you?
Chakotay: Because I've always treated you with respect.
Tuvok: I see.

Janeway: Listen, Greenpeace unloaded this environmentally-friendly junk on us months ago. We'd be more than happy to give it to if you stop polluting this space.
Emck: Outrageous! Absolutely not! I'll beam aboard in five minutes.

Chakotay: We have to destroy the vortex to the void to save the alien critters.
Janeway: No. Remember what Spock said: "The needs of this crew outweigh the needs of anyone else."
Chakotay: Spock never said that.
Janeway: Never mind. I'm not going to make the crew suffer to save some measly aliens.
Chakotay: Cool by me -- let the buggers die.
Janeway: No, I'm going to stay and blow up the vortex, idiot. Seriously, I don't know why I let you live. Will you captain the ship?

Janeway: And so your orders are to abandon me in a dangerous area of space while you run like the wind. Set a course, Tom.
Tuvok: To cut a really long fiver short, the whole crew is committing mutiny.
Janeway: And I love them all for it. Group hug!

Kim: We have exited the void!
Chakotay: My God, it's full of stars!
Janeway: Mr. Paris, warp factor...really, really fast. And try not to hit that monolith on your way out.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 5, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Justin O'Neill.