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Five-Minute "Rise and Fall"

by Zeke

Borg: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.
Axum: Oh, shut up and die, you morons. We don't even say that anymore.

Captain Marson: Okay, what was that all about?
Janeway: (over the comm) Um...what was what about?
Marson: The gigantic, devastating explosion that just rocked this entire sector.
Janeway: Oh yeah. That. Heh heh. Would you believe indigestion?
Marson: Look, just tell me what horrible crime you committed.
Janeway: We destroyed an overwhelmingly powerful fleet of alien ships in an act that could easily be considered genocide.
Marson: Oo, cool. Welcome home!

Janeway: We are gathered here to commemorate yada yada. Anybody want to speak?
Henley: I do. (ahem) Dalby was--
Janeway: Thank you, that'll do. We're on a schedule here.

Chakotay: Well, it would appear that we're home.
Seven: Meh.
Janeway: Good, now we've covered the full range of reactions. The rest of you can keep your mouths shut.
Kim: But--
Janeway: You heard me.

Admiral Warhol: Your orders are to keep Janeway in the dark so she won't know about our evil plan till it's too late. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Marson: (over the comm) So what do I talk to her about?
Warhol: I dunno, the weather or something.
Marson: There's no weather in space.
Warhol: Weather or not, I don't care.

Paris: Hey there, Neelix. You should talk to Naomi.
Neelix: (over the comm) But I want to hear what I've missed. How's C/7 going?
Paris: C/7 was run over by a cement truck right after we left. Its corpse was then dug up and re-killed at regular intervals.
Neelix: I'll talk to Naomi now.

Janeway: Now that we're home, I think we'd better tone down the relationship a bit.
Chakotay: Awwwwww, no more nudity on the bridge?
Janeway: No, just less.

Torres: Miral's crying is driving me nuts.
Doc: No problem. Watch this....
Torres: What are you doing?
Doc: It's my new treatment. As soon as she starts crying, I poke her with a pointy stick.
Miral: WAA--OW! WA--OW! All right already, you win, I'll stop!
Doc: Works every time.

T'Pel: I'm so happy we're home!
Tuvok: We're Vulcans. We're not supposed to be happy.
T'Pel: You'd be happy too if you'd spent the last six months trying to counsel these saps.

Greskrendtregk: Naomi!
Naomi: Daddy!
Greskrendtregk: Samantha!
Wildman: Phil!
Greskrendtregk: "Phil"?
Wildman: Do you expect me to be able to pronounce your real name?

Crew: 10...9...8....
Kim: What are you all counting down to?
Ayala: In five seconds, we're finally free of Chell's cooking. 2...1....

Curris: Voyager just got home.
Axum: You told me that six months ago and it was a lie.
Curris: But this time it's--
Axum: Silence! I declare you "The Borg Who Cried Wolf."

Janeway: Janeway to all hands: Woohoo! Now that we've made it back to Earth, all our problems are solved.
Admiral Paris: (over the comm) Come quick, Captain -- you've got problems.
Janeway: I'd like to amend my previous comment.

Admiral Paris: I'd better tell you what happened while you were gone. (ahem)
Janeway: You didn't tell me anything, you just cleared your throat.
Admiral Paris: It's more dramatic if the reader doesn't find out till the end.

Naomi: Wow, Earth is beautiful! Isn't this romantic, Icheb?
Icheb: Sure is, darling. Let's kiss.
Seven: I hate episodes written by I/Ners.

Neelix: And then I says to Dexa, I says--
Chakotay: Static! Thank God!
Seven: Hang on, this is a transmission....
Axum: (over the comm) OW! And then I says to Korok, I says--
Seven: We've lost the connection.
Chakotay: Hey, you just heard your long-lost former lover's voice. Don't you care?
Seven: Ex-boyfriends are irrelevant.
Chakotay: Present company excepted, right?
Seven: No.

Kim: Look, Mom! I got a promotion!
Ms. Kim: Just one? You suck. Get out of my house.

Warhol: And then there's the matter of your actions on....
Tuvok: For the last time, I don't remember any of it.
Warhol: Look, Tuvok, I know you don't have amnesia. It's pointless to keep up this charade.
Tuvok: "Tuvok"? Is that my name?
Warhol: Oh, get out of here.

Janeway: ....and that's why the Borg have gone strange.
Chakotay: Boring. What now?
Janeway: Now the evil admirals put me on trial.
Chakotay: Oo, then--
Janeway: If the sentence you're about to utter contains the phrase "nudity in the courtroom," I'm going to remove your organs one by one.
Chakotay: Please start with the kidneys.

Janeway: It's safe to say that life, in general, sucks. I'd better get to sleep so I can forget all this and/or have a clichéd dream sequence.

Axum: (over the comm) AAAAAA! Oh God, the pain!
Mysterious Villain: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! It's so good to see everything going well.
Axum: It's not going well for me.
Mysterious Villain: Hey, stop that. You're supposed to be ambiguously dead.
(Janeway's trial begins at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 31, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.