Five-Minute "Soul Searching"
by Zeke

Torres: (over the comm) Hey Captain, remember that holonovel you used to play in Season 2? You never finished it.
Janeway: That's because it was a boring, foolish idea in the first place.
Torres: But you left the audience in suspense....
Janeway: The audience hated the novel! They were glad to see it gone! And our current audience is mostly J/Cers, who feel threatened by anything remotely like Michael Sullivan....
Torres: Go finish your novel. That's an order.

Janeway: Hmmm...it seems just like I left it.
Ghost of Elizabeth Burleigh: BOOGA BOOGA!
Janeway: AAAAAAAAAA!
Chakotay: (over the comm) Captain to the bridge. Say, are you okay? You sound like you've seen a ghost.

Kim: We found this planet with life signs, but the transporters can't be used.
Janeway: I and three vital crew members will go. If there's trouble, beam us up.
Kim: I just said the transporters won't work.
Janeway: Do as I say.

Paris: So who gets out of the Flyer first?
Tuvok: Not me. I'm too scared.
Seven: Oh, you wimps. I'll g--OW!
Janeway: YES! Operation "Get Seven Injured For No Reason" works again!

Roush: Welcome to the eternal home of the Newmari. We worship you.
Janeway: That's useful. What else can you do?
Roush: Here, we'll heal your babe-licious friend.
Janeway: Oh no! That'll really tick off the writers...what if they saddle me with some cutesy kid?
Ellone: I'll be along shortly.

Roush: We worship you because you saved us from the Sernaix so we could keep oppressing the Re'ena. Like that one over there.
Janeway: Mind if I save him so he can tell me your sordid history?
Roush: I just did that.
Janeway: Yes, but I couldn't hear you. I was singing "Nacho Man" in my head.

Ellone: Take me with you!
Janeway: How the heck did you get into the Flyer?
Ellone: Same way Brax did in "Homestead."
Janeway: And how did he do it?
Ellone: I dunno.

Teno: You've been lied to. The Newmari are actually oppressing us.
Janeway: Nacho, nacho man...I want to be a nacho man....

Janeway: Thanks for taking care of El--
Wildman: Get her out of here! How DARE you give someone else my daughter's "cutesy kid" role?

Ellone: Can I sleep with you?
Janeway: Mmm, pedophilia. Sure. But you'll have to listen to me reminiscing about hot steaminess with Mark.
Ellone: Ewww! On second thought, I want to get as far away from you as possible.

Janeway: I'm thinking about becoming Ellone's mommy.
Chakotay: Can I be the daddy?
Janeway: How romantic!
Chakotay: Romance has nothing to do with it. I want to be able to say "Who's your daddy?"

Roush: Janeway.
Janeway: Newmari.
Chakotay: Yada yada. You lied to us -- admit it.
Roush: Um...does anybody know the words to "Nacho Man"?

Janeway: I've decided I'd like to adopt Ellone.
Roush: Hang on, I have a call. Hello?
Wildman: (over the comm) Well?
Roush: You were right. She wants to keep the kid.
Wildman: And you'll be dealing with it, as planned?
Roush: As soon as we verify that your payment is received.
Wildman: See to it. Over and out.
Roush: There, done. Yes, Captain, you can have her.
Janeway: Thanks.

Teno: Hey! Why have you led the Newmari to our eternal home?
Janeway: We have? Oh no! Harry, beam us up!
Kim: I'm not going to say it again, Captain.

Ellone: AAAAAAAAAAAA!
Janeway: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Everybody Else: YESSSSSSSS!

Paris: Hold on -- I can save her.
Janeway: You can? Oh, thank God!
Wildman: (over the comm) Tom, do we need to talk about this again?
Paris: Oh yeah. (ahem) Oops, I can't save her after all. Sorry.

Lord Burleigh: ....and then I decided I would have to....
Janeway: This is so boring! Computer, end program. The audience can bite me.

Wildman: Thanks again for that transporter sabotage. It helped a lot.
Kim: No problem. I have no intention of letting some alien kid share my mommy.

Janeway: I miss Ellone so much....
Chakotay: Don't worry, I'll make you feel better. After all, who's your daddy?
Janeway: Admiral Janeway, who died many years ago. I miss him so much....
Chakotay: Well, that didn't work.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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