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Five-Minute "The Fall of Shadows"

by Zeke

Janeway: Well, here it comes -- the greatest crisis in my career. Where will it all end?
Evans: In fire.
Janeway: Huh?
Evans: Sorry. There's this show I watch, see....
Janeway: I don't want to hear about it.

Gilmore: When shall we five meet again in thunder, lightning, or in rain?
Lessing: When the hurlyburly's done, when the battle's lost and won.
Tessini: What the hell are you people talking about?
Lessing: Hark! By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.
Paris: Hi guys.

Reporters: Captain! Did you--
Evans: My client has no comment.
Janeway: I'm not your client. And how do you know I have no comment?
Evans: I have many mysterious sources of information.

Greskrendtregk: Welcome to my home, which is on Earth for some reason. How do you feel, my beloved daughter?
Naomi: I hate you. You're not Neelix.
Chell: I am! I am!
Greskrendtregk: Hey, get out of my house.

Despere: Remember me?
Paris: Possibly. How many times did I sleep with you?
Despere: None!
Paris: Then I don't remember, sorry.

Torres: I'm so worried about what'll happen to me....
Paris: And you're not worried about me? You were just a Maquis -- I betrayed everybody in sight. Besides, you're hot and most of the judges are male.
Torres: I can't worry about you, Tom. It wouldn't be in character.

Seven: I like sneaking. Sneak sneak sneak....

Janeway: Mmm, thanks for the coffee. What's in it?
Evans: One moment of perfect beauty.
Janeway: I won't ask.
Louvois: Captain, you are hereby charged with...hmm. It might actually be easier to do it the other way. Captain, you are hereby charged with everything except plagiarism and jaywalking.
Evans: And so it begins.

Hileya: The Equinox crew are the greatest monsters in history.
Pachano: The Equinox crew are the greatest non-monsters in history.
Gilmore: I gotta say, I've heard better defenses.

Despere: You've got problems, Tom. Big ones.
Paris: Oh crap. They're finally coming after me for those eight years of unpaid taxes, aren't they?

Seven: Sneaking, sneaking, da da da da da....
Computer: Warning. Off-key singing detected. User will be automatically terminated in ten seconds.
Seven: AAAAAA!
Computer: Heh heh. I always get 'em with the "automatically terminated" line.

Louvois: The prosecution may make its opening statements.
Shelrak: Captain Janeway is an eggpl--hey! What the heck is that guard wearing?
Evans: Oh, this old thing? It's just an encounter suit.
Shelrak: Well, it's making me nervous.
Evans: Good.

Paris: Hi dad. Just dropping by to say hello and ask what horrible secret you're hiding.
Admiral Paris: You'll have to flatter me first.
Paris: We named Miral after you. See, we took the first two letters off "Admiral"....
Admiral Paris: That'll do.

Hileya: So you're Marla Gilmore?
Gilmore: Yes.
Hileya: And where hast thou been, sister?
Gilmore: Killing swine.
Everybody: WHAT?
Gilmore: Well, come on! Haven't you people read the play?

Evans: Do you swear to tell the third edge of the sword of understanding?
Chakotay: I do.
Louvois: You know, like most J/Cers, I've always wanted to hear you say "I do" in front of Janeway and a large audience. But this isn't the way I'd hoped.
Janeway: You're a J/Cer?
Louvois: What do you think I'm mad at you for?

Shelrak: I'm done with this witness.
Janeway: Good, now I can resume my angst-riddled contemplations. Alas! Woe is me! Such injustice! Such unfairness! What do you all want from me? Dammit, what do you want?
Evans: Never ask that question.
Janeway: You're not the boss of me, mister.
Evans: Disobedient.
Janeway: Up yours.

Hileya: So what exactly did you do to those aliens?
Tessoni: A deed without a name.
Pachano: But you had no choice -- tell the court what life was like on the ship.
Tessoni: Double, double toil and trouble. (Can we hurry this up? The five of us are running out of Macbeth lines.)

Chakotay: Captain Janeway's actions were completely justified at all times. She never did anything wrong at all.
T'Sai: See, everybody? Chakotay just testified under oath that--
Chakotay: I'm under oath? Oh crap.

Torres: You know, I've changed my mind. Being a Maquis was the best thing ever and Starfleet is a big barrel of monkeys.
Chakotay: You shouldn't say that out loud. The walls have ears.
Guard: Are you calling me a wall?
Chakotay: I'd answer, but then I'd feel like I was just talking to the wall.

Paris: WHAT? No way! You can't have Miral!
Admiral Paris: Sorry, son. If I can't be a cradle robber by hooking up with some babe, I have to find some other way.
Paris: So I can keep Miral if I get you a babe, right?
Despere: Don't you even think about it.

Shelrak: Tell the court what you think of Janeway's performance.
Kim: It was a nightmare. She should never have tried to fit into that Spandex leotard. I had to wash my eyes out with soap....
Shelrak: Not her ballet performance! I'm talking about her command decisions.
Kim: Those sucked too. What kind of monster would leave a nice guy like me unpromoted for eight y--HEY! Everybody stop raising your hands!

Torres: We have no choice...we'll have to flee Starfleet and become hunted fugitives, eventually landing jobs on a Klingon waste transfer barge.
Paris: You're nothing if not a long-term planner. But that would never work....
Miral: What, so you're just going to hand me over to them? You're monsters! I hate you!
Paris: Oh, you'd prefer B'Elanna's idea?
Miral: I have my own idea. It involves some Lego and a really, really big rattle.
Torres: Worth a shot.

Gilmore: Harpier cries 'Tis time, 'tis time.
Lessing: Come, high or low; thyself and office deftly show!
Pachano: I'll take that as a "Tell us the verdict." You've been found guilty as sin, discharged, and sentenced to a year of ridiculously easy labour.
Tessoni: Why, how now, Hecate!
Pachano: Incidentally, the extra year is for abuse of Shakespeare.

Shelrak: Now, Mr. Tu--
T'Sai: Objection!
Louvois: Sustained.
Shelrak: Oh, this is so biased.
Louvois: Is that contempt of court I hear?

T'Sai: Tell me, Tuvok...how did Janeway treat the Equinox crew?
Tuvok: Like the quintet of witches they were. She gave them their own cauldron and some baboon's blood on condition that they stay on Deck 13.
T'Sai: See? Who in this court can deny that she was fair?
Tuvok: I can. She lied about giving them baboon's blood -- it was Chakotay's.
Gilmore: Keep in mind, however, that it still worked.

Naomi: I miss Neelix. And Flotter. And especially Icheb, that hunky dreamboat.
Greskrendtregk: At last, something we have in common! I know what it feels like to lust after an ex-drone. That Seven of Nine is one hot mama! She can assimilate me any time....
Naomi: Should I be hearing this?

Torres: How did it go?
Paris: She didn't cry. She did, however, scream, fight, and pull out most of my hair.
Torres: I thought I was seeing more of your scalp than usual.

Janeway: Sigh...being on trial sucks. How long have I been stuck in this building?
Evans: You have always been here.
Janeway: If I hear one more Kosh line from you....

Barlett: The Equinox Five were busted and Janeway probably will be too. In other news, Seven of Nine, the notorious anti-shipper insurgent, is still at large; she was last sighted in Boston masquerading as a public-school teacher. If you see her in your area, contact the Special J/C Task Force at once.
(Janeway's trial continues at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on November 7 (Part I) and November 14 (Part II), 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.