The Five-Minute Enterprise Season 3 Wrap Party

by Zeke

With the last scenes of Five-Minute "Zero Hour" finally in the can, it was time for the cast and crew of Five-Minute Enterprise to celebrate a job done, if not well, at least in one-twelfth the time. TJI's correspondent was on hand at the wrap party to talk to everyone involved and get their thoughts on the experience of creating Season 3.

Well, not creating, as such. Taking someone else's creation and making fun of it.

Well, not even that, really. Making jokes about random subjects with no particular rhyme or reason, and sometimes making up whole scenes that aren't in the source material.

Why are we covering this again?

Zeke: I guess you might say it was a long road getting -- oh, it's you. Doesn't This Just In have any other reporters?

Reporter: Not on this beat. They couldn't pay anyone else enough. They don't pay me enough either, I just can't get another job with this one on my resume.

Zeke: Ah. Well, it feels good to be done. This is the fourth full season of fivers I've written so far --

Reporter: You know you're the only one who counts VVS8, right?

Zeke: -- and some episodes gave me more trouble than others. I wound up doing the last half of the season in a weird order.* 2004:
May 12: "E²" (3x21)
May 18: "Chosen Realm" (3x12)
May 23: "The Council" (3x22)
May 24: "Proving Ground" (3x13)
May 26: "Countdown" (3x23)
May 29: "Stratagem" (3x14)
June 2: "Harbinger" (3x15)
June 5: "Doctor's Orders" (3x16)
June 8: "Hatchery" (3x17)
2005:
June 6: "Azati Prime" (3x18)
June 7: "Damage" (3x19)
June 8: "The Forgotten" (3x20)
June 9: "Zero Hour" (3x24)

Reporter: "Weird" is one word for going a year between two of the episodes, sure.

Zeke: *glare*

(ten minutes later)

Reporter: If all you're going to do is glare, I'll talk to someone else.

Zeke: Finally. You've been standing in front of the sandwich table.

Archer: That one spot on my arm really hurts.

Reporter: I guess it would, yeah.

Archer: But I think I was a bit less dumb this season than in the past, so that was nice. Not so many of those "how do I win now" or "space air" moments.

Reporter: And how about that cliffhanger? Must be disturbing to be stuck indefinitely at the mercy of an alien Nazi.

Archer: Especially since the torture hasn't even started.

Reporter: Wouldn't it be worse if it had?

Archer: Why?

Reporter: ...Never mind.

Archer: Anyway, I don't mind waiting for a while. I'm sure we'll be on to Season 4 soon enough.

Reporter: Ri-- excuse me. (listens to earpiece) Uh, for some reason I'm being told to remind the readers that this interview is taking place in 2005.

Archer: Huh. Wonder what that's about.

T'Pol: I find it almost offensive that you even have to ask. It was a miserable ordeal.

Reporter: Your character certainly went through a lot --

T'Pol: That isn't what I'm talking about. The events of the source material are part of the job. What I object to is the angle taken on those events.

Reporter: Meaning...?

T'Pol: I was the villain in every scene! I was cruel to both the fake and the real Commander Tucker, and I not only encouraged Ensign Sato to break up with Ensign Mayweather, I coached her on the most painful way to do so!

Reporter: Well, you have always been cold...

T'Pol: This was an entirely new level. The only possible moral of my role in this season is "T'Pol is evil".

Zeke: (overhearing) Don't be ridiculous! That wasn't the moral.

T'Pol: Then what was it?!

Zeke: Women are evil.

(He leaves. Long pause.)

T'Pol: I'm not sure if that makes it not personal, or just personal in a different way.

Reporter: It's, uh... possible that there were some issues at work in the writing of your character.

T'Pol: It's possible that the writing of my character consisted entirely of issues.

Zeke: Okay, sorry. I was going through some stuff.

T'Pol: Leave or don't! Pick one!

Reporter: So I guess that means you'll stop writing her that way now?

Zeke: Eh, maybe. I might keep doing it if it's funny.

T'Pol: There are other characters! Can't you pick on someone else's from now on?

Zeke: Then what do I do with yours?

T'Pol: I'm sure the source material gives you much more to work with than relationship angst.

(Awkward pause)

Reporter: You haven't seen the real Season 4 yet, have you?

Tucker: Couldn't tell ya. I'm Sim.

Reporter: Oh! Sorry.

(Walks off, then turns around)

Reporter: So how are you feeling at the end of your one episode?

Tucker: Supernumerary.

Reporter: That's fair.

Mayweather: Confusing, mostly. The publication order meant I didn't even know how the breakup happened in episodes set after it.

Zeke: (across the room) Hey, neither did I.

Reporter: Stop chipping in! You're not my colour commentator!

Mayweather: And the fact that this was a new storyline meant that I didn't have source material to refer to, which always makes things a bit harder.

Reporter: You, uh... don't have a lot of source material to refer to at the best of times, do you?

Mayweather: Nah, you'd be surprised how many scenes Mayweather is in. The main characters can't just talk to each other all the time. He makes a good foil.

Reporter: What you just described is more like a sounding bo--

Mayweather: Yep, a good foil. And I like to think I've trained myself pretty well to play that role.

Reporter: How does one get foil training, anyway?

Mayweather: Sometimes I practice with Sulu from the TOS fivers.

Sato: "Other" half? Travis was the other half.

Reporter: What difference does it make?

Sato: Don't pretend you don't know.

Reporter: Ooookay. Did you enjoy the storyline, though?

Sato: It was fine, I guess. The actual Sato wasn't doing much around midseason, so it kept me busy. And it made sense to get this relationship over with.

Reporter: You were expecting it to happen?

Sato: There were a couple of Season 2 fivers that suggested it was on the back burner. So I was ready, even if it didn't make a ton of sense to me. Why would my character settle for a non-entity like Travis?

Reporter: Some would argue that Sato is, at best, marginally an entity.

Sato: Margins are important!

Reporter: Thanks for your time, Ensign. By the way, have you seen Lieutenant Reed? I can't find him.

Sato: *rolls eyes* I have a guess...

Reed: Go away!

Reporter: I'm covering this event for This Just In. I was hoping to get at least a quick word with all the senior staff.

Reed: Well, fine, but get it here. I'm not going back out there.

Reporter: I'd like to ask about... hmm...

Reed: Yes?

Reporter: Sorry, Lieutenant, but now all I want to know is what you're hiding from.

Reed: It's her! No one told me she would be here! She was only a guest star!

Reporter: Who?

Reed: You know who! You can't miss her!

Reporter: Ohh. Well, in that case...

Reporter: No, this isn't about -- the what button?

Samus: How does everyone miss it? It's in the manual!

Reporter: A lot of people only had the game cartri-- no, never mind. I'm doing interviews about the Five-Minute Enterprise season. How did you like your cameo appearances?

Samus: This is one of the more random jobs I've done, but I had a good time. I liked how many inside jokes there were. For Metroid fans, it's easy to tell that in between my two appearances, my latest game happened.

Reporter: I -- one sec. (listens to earpiece) I'm being told to mention the current year again.

Samus: 20X6?

Reporter: 2005. Your series measures time funny.

Samus: Heh, yeah, I guess. By the way, have you seen Lieutenant Reed?

Reporter: Yes, but he, uh... I don't think you can go where he is.

Samus: Bathroom again, huh? I wonder what's wrong. This is what he did on our dinner date.

Reporter: Dinner date?!

Samus: Yeah. Apparently he was upset about not getting to meet me when I was on the show, so Dr. Phlox reached out and set us up. He said we had some common interests.

Reporter: That's, uh... yeah, that's fair to say.

Samus: So we met up, but he just seemed to get more and more nervous. When he saw the armour, when I took off my helmet, when I discussed my habit of blowing up planets...

Reporter: Right...

Samus: And he finally ran off to the bathroom when I told him that not only do I have weapons, but when I use my Screw Attack, I actually am a weapon.

Distant Moan From the Direction of the Bathroom: I am not worthyyyy!

Samus: He never came back. I guess I probably won't see him tonight either, huh?

Reporter: I, uh, feel like I can safely say that it's not you, it's him.

Samus: Well, I'm glad it's not just me at least. My job isn't great for developing social skills. I've been known to go years without speaking.

Reporter: ...Wait a minute. You and Reed are both talking like your characters. What happened to this article's premise where you're all just actors "playing" them?

Samus: We're off-and-on method actors.

Tucker: Still Sim.

Reporter: Dammit!

Phlox: Quite enjoyable, though with the usual caveat.

Reporter: What caveat?

Phlox: The prep time, of course! You can't imagine how long it takes.

Reporter: I mean... it takes a long time for John Billingsley, sure...

Phlox: Well there you go!

Reporter: But he wears really detailed alien makeup.

Phlox: And?

Reporter: (awkwardly) Sir, you're aware that you don't physically exist, right?

Phlox: Oh, don't be so literal. Everything on the show has its equivalent here, and this is no exception. My appearance takes a great deal of patience to create.

Reporter: But your "appearance" is just a speaker credit.

Phlox: Right. But no plain ASCII text is this! Each letter is carefully crafted with a lengthy Unicode formula.

Reporter: Even if that's true, can't you just do it once and then copy-paste?

(long pause)

Phlox: No.

Reporter: Ah.

Phlox: It's in the Hippocratic Oath.

Reporter: I see.

Phlox: And those are billable hours.

Reporter: Okay, now I really see.

Phlox: Anyway, that's only the visible part of my preparation regimen. While I'm doing it, I'm also preparing mentally. To play an alien like Phlox, it's important to immerse oneself as deeply as possible in his perspective.

Reporter: Makes sense.

Phlox: Oh yes, it makes sense. It all makes so much sense when you take the time to think it through.

Reporter: *jerks back* When did you move so close to --

Phlox: IT ALL. MAKES. SENSE.

Reporter: Do you, uh, worry that taking on this particular character's perspective may have been unhealthy?

Phlox: I assure you that health is now very last on my list of concerns.

Reporter: Thanks for your time, Doctor. Please get help before it's too late.

Phlox: Optimism!

Porthos: Ruff!

Reporter: Welp, I'm not sure what I expected to get out of this interview, but now I've got it.

Reporter: No you're not. I've been all over the room, there's no one else who looks like you. It must have been a dual role like on the actual show.

Tucker: Oh, fine, ya got me. I just wanted to see how long you'd fall for it.

Reporter: So how was your season, Commander?

Tucker: Pretty good, I guess. It wasn't a huge change from the past. The real Trip had some pretty important material, which meant a lotta "screen time" for me -- but as a fiver character, I'm usually just the straight man.

Reporter: Well, somebody's gotta do it.

Tucker: The only big difference this season was that Zeke started tryin' to convey my Southern accent in text.

Reporter: He didn't do that before?

Tucker: Nope. But it didn't add up to much. Just a lotta dropped Gs.

Zeke: Hey, if you've got a better idea --

Tucker: Ah talked ta yew about mah better idea.

Zeke: Gah! Stop that! It looks terrible!

Tucker: You asked!

Zeke: I meant something that wouldn't assault the reader's eyes. What do you think I'm writing here, Li'l Abner?

Reporter: Are you about done butting in on my interviews?

Zeke: You're about done doing interviews, so I guess so. Our catering budget wasn't big enough to invite the minor characters.

Reporter: Then I guess I'll be on my way. Any last remarks for our readers?

Zeke: Just that I had a lot of fun writing this season, and I hope they had fun reading it. I'll try not to take so long with the next one.

Reporter: Hang on. (listens to earpiece) Uh, just a sec.

(The reporter grabs a bar stool and climbs on top of it.)

Reporter: THIS INTERVIEW TAKES PLACE IN 2005!

(He gets down.)

Reporter: Sorry. I was instructed to scream that at the top of my lungs.

Zeke: For some reason I feel like that's a bad sign.

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