Fiver Punchlines in Real Life

[Nate the Great]

A simple game: what fiver punchline(s) would you use in Real Life if the other person had the (magical) ability to actually get the joke?

For example, if I was in a grocery store I'd use the punchline "Who cares? We've got salami!" :)

[Burt]

I must admit, I have used the:
'Close your eyes. What you see is how much sympathy I feel for you. '
A few times.

[Nate the Great]

Okay, we're gonna have to add fiver titles and authors to these, 'cause I don't remember that one. It's a great punchline, though.

A fiver punchline of my own that I'd dearly love to use is "It's always time for sarcasm!" It's from an upcoming fiver, but it's not like that punchline will spoil anything, will it?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

A fiver punchline of my own that I'd dearly love to use is "It's always time for sarcasm!" It's from an upcoming fiver, but it's not like that punchline will spoil anything, will it?

Hah? Who? Someone call me?

I've quoted my own fivers at people in chats, to general confusion and bewilderment 'cause they don't know what B5 is.

[Nate the Great]

We all know what B5 is. It comes after B4 (never saw the sun shining so bright) and before B6 (half of Riddler's favorite vitamin).

[MaverickZer0]

I don't know. I'd probably end up using the panel discussion quotes more than fiver quotes. For some reason they strike me as more quotable.

[Zeke]

I sometimes use fiver jokes in RL conversations just because I know the people I'm talking to won't have heard them before. It's cheating, I suppose. But not as much as using the same joke on multiple family members, or even the same one twice once they've forgotten... which I also do. Hmm.

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Do they look at you in bewilderment when you keep saying "Hah! Me 1, Chakotay 0!"?

[mudshark]

Heh heh. http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g223/mudshark58/smilies/bgbiggrin.gif

[Celeste]

I dunno about 5MV in-jokes, but I'm definatly still the prettiest.

[Zeke]

Your precious Cassandra Claire abandoned you, you fools! Everyone worships flames that burn so hot they vanish into nothingness! And here I am, keeping at it year after year, and after all this time I'm still not King!

...Yeah, I'm still bitter about cleolinda getting that book published.

[Nate the Great]

Okay...once again my precious thread is getting mutated before its time. It's to be expected, but let me lament over me poor bairns just the same...

[mudshark]

Okay...once again my precious thread is getting mutated before its time.
Is it really, though?

OT: "Bite me."

[MaverickZer0]

Does any thread on these forums ever stay on topic, really? I recall that we've mutated spambot threads into discussions.

[Burt]

Then to bring us back.....

I must admit, I have used the:
'Close your eyes. What you see is how much sympathy I feel for you. '
A few times.

Terra Nova
Captain Archer to Travis

Near the end...

[Nate the Great]

Was that "bite me" punchline from my OOT fiver? I'm not sure where that came from. Was I suggesting that a ten-year-old who's had little contact with the outside world would've never heard of any "witty" retort other than "bite me?" Must've picked it up from The Great Mido.

Thanks for the info, Burt. I agree that it's a great punchline, but if used in real life I'd get so many evil eyes that I might actually wither away to nothing.

[Zeke]

Was that "bite me" punchline from my OOT fiver?

No offense, Nate, but I've been using "Bite me" in fivers since your grandfather was in diapers (http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=site%3Afiveminute.net+%22bite+me%22+%22by+zeke&btnG=Search&meta=).

[Nate the Great]

So I'm blatantly arrogant when it comes to my work. What else is new? :)

It suddenly occurs to me that a "random fiver" option would be a neat feature here. We can enjoy a "new" set of punchlines every day.

[ijdgaf]

Actually I invented the phrase "Bite me" nigh on twenty years ago. It was part of a high-larious THREE-LEVEL PUN (http://www.qwantz.com/index.pl?comic=896).

Also, I invented the three-level pun way before that Ryan North guy.

[Nate the Great]

Truly great puns don't need three levels, just a good setup line. I have a soft spot for the puns that take a second or two to sink in and then your brain flips inside out. For me the classic example of this kind is the mice screwing in a lightbulb joke/pun.

[Chancellor Valium]

Actually, the reverse for me.

[Nate the Great]

The reverse of what? Which pun theory?

[Chancellor Valium]

Real life goes into fivers, as far as I'm concerned.

For the record, I've actually written six.

Two were of one story, four of another, and one was actually published.

[Nate the Great]

Oh. Well, I can't speak to that point. Most of the comic material that I forge into fiver punchlines come from other fivers/episodes/websites/etc. Only a few times have I written a joke with the sole purpose of amusing myself. Case in point: the "2305 bloodwine stinks, 2293 bloodwine is great" joke. I use it as often as I can reasonably pull it off. Does it amuse others? Perhaps. Does it amuse me? Every single time. So I do it.

[PointyHairedJedi]

I wish I could remember fivers that well. Unfortunately, I do not.

[Nate the Great]

There's a simple answer for that. Take a few days off and reread the archives a few times. Ha ha!

[Nate the Great]

I'd like to reference my current sig as a punchline that I'd LOVE to use in real life if it ever became possible, which it won't. I'll repeat it so that in the future when I change my sig the readers won't get confused:

Have you ANY IDEA what a scone-deprived Englishman is capable of doing?

[Sa'ar Chasm]

I was tutoring this girl on Macbeth last week, and I told her about my punchline from Dagger of the Mind in the scene where Spock mindmelds with the crazy guy: "Lots of sound and fury, but nothing of significance." She looked at me funny.

[PointyHairedJedi]

And you're not used to it by now? I mean, I stopped noticing it years ago.

[Nate the Great]

I suppose a fun subcategory for this thread would be Shakespeare punchlines you wish you could use in real life.

"I wish my horse had the speed of your tongue."

[Sa'ar Chasm]

Aroint thee, witch!

[Nate the Great]

"I play the villain."

"If I had my will, I would bite. If I had my liberty, I would do my liking. In the meantime, let me be as I am, and do not seek to alter me!"

[Chancellor Valium]

(the Shakespeare quotes creep on at petty pace day by day)

[Sa'ar Chasm]

I bite my thumb at thee! <chomp!> OW! Hah, take that!

[Chancellor Valium]

"Is this a coffee mug I see before me? The handle pointing towards my hand?"

[Nate the Great]

"I can tell a hawk from a handsaw!"