Fiving Philosophising

[Tate]

I thought this up while writing an email to Zeke, and thought I'd share it with you all. It gave me a chuckle or two.

[opening scene]

[mysterious background music]

[voice-over]

Mohinder: What causes us to five? Are we compelled by destiny? Driven by chance? Or do we choose to five of our own free will? Do we seek fame, or enlightenment? Do we simply want to have fun? Whatever the reasons, the urge to five is rooted deep in the heart of humanity. We all long to reduce, to parody, to make lame in-jokes. One thing is certain; the drive to five is inescapable. We are determined to write fivers, and no power in the ‘verse can stop us.

[/voice-over]

[/mysterious background music]

Mohinder: Wait a minute. ‘‘Verse’? How did that get in there?

Captain Mal: Hey, when you’re on my ship, you play by my rules. Shiny?

Mohinder: What?

Captain Mal: What I’m tryin’ to say is you can take my love and take my land, but you can’t take the five from me.

Mohinder: Huh?

Captain Mal: You can even burn the land and boil the sea, but you can’t take the five from me.

Mohinder: I’m just going to end this before it gets any more confusing.

[/opening scene]

[evay]

You perfectly captured Mohinder's wandering, vaguely philosophical, slightly double-entendre, pseudo-psychological babbling narration. I'd love to see a Heroes/firefly crossover in this vein: the airy, melodramatic, angsty, barely-makes-sense grandstanding of the Petrellis, Bennets et al. slapped by the sharp sarcasm and mercenary survival tactics of Serenity's crew. I can practically hear Angela slavering over the thought of what she could do with River from here.

[Tate]

River: I can kill you with my brain.
Claire: Wanna bet?

[Wowbagger]

Mal: See you have some shady dealings in this establishment.
Angela: The Company does many things that are... distasteful, yes. But you'll soon see that not only can't you stop us -- you don't really want to. Let me explain the tangled conspiracy that --
Mal's Revolver: BANG!
Angela: GAK!
Mal: ...Nope. Definitely can stop you. And, come to think of it, feel pretty shiny about it, too.

EDIT: I should have seconded evay, Tate. The OP was wonderful, and I giggled all the way through it.

[evay]

(As Mal cleans his gun, Angela coughs violently, sits up, and spits out the bullet.)

Mal: What the....!

Angela: I neglected to mention there are certain... <i>fringe benefits</i> to working for the Company. If you're highly-enough placed. And have access to certain people who can... well. I don't want to give away the store. (delicately dabs the blood off her lips with a lace handkerchief) Still not interested, Captain?

Mal: Depends. Can the professor do what you just did?

Angela: No. We've made sure of that.

Mal: Do I get to shoot him?

Angela: Only if he speaks.

Mal: Deal. You just hired yourself a boat.

[NAHTMMM]

*cumulative snerk*