one-by-one 5-8 word story

[whoiam]

((Starting mostly because A Person seems to have missed the 3-word limit in the original thread...))

Darth Vader stood over Jar-Jar's headless corpse, and

[Opium]

slowly a tear fell from is mask. He

[whoiam]

had wanted to kill the gungan himself, but

[e of pi]

unfortunately his revenge for the stolen glory of

[A person]

Luke Skywalker and his army of Wesley Crusher's

[e of pi]

newest science project, an army of evil cucumbers,

[A person]

failed miserably due to the

[e of pi]

fact that the plot wasn't as funny as

[A person]

seeing Wesley humiliate himself on TNG!!!!! The crazy

[e of pi]

producers decide that in order to facilitate their

[A person]

untimely demise, they must

[e of pi]

kill him off in a speciel candid camera

[A person]

shot of Wesley grovelling at Captain Picard's feet.

[e of pi]

They had previously fooled the audience into thinking

[A person]

that Wesley was an amazing prodigy,

[e of pi]

and thus was being promoted to captain of

[A person]

the offical Federation Garbage Scowl.

[e of pi]

The Scowl was a project shared with Kligons

[A person]

and Ferengi, to prove if

[e of pi]

the species could work together in peace. But

[A person]

the Klingons ended up scowling at the

[e of pi]

Ferengi, and the project was ultimately a failure.

[A person]

The new and improved theorm for

[e of pi]

intercultural relationships was a revolution in diplomatic relations,

[Zeke]

((Starting mostly because A Person seems to have missed the 3-word limit in the original thread...))

Don't you think this was a pretty rude way to inform him of that, whoiam? In future, when a newcomer misses something like this, point it out directly to him or her in the relevant thread.

[e of pi]

No offense to A Person, but we did. Multiple times.

[Zeke]

Oh. So you did. This is what I get for not paging back.

My apologies, whoiam. And A person, don't flout the rules of the threads you're in. Sure, these are just meaningless Misc threads -- but if we can't control those, what can we control?

[e of pi]

And if we can't control it, do we deserve it? I can speechify too, ya know.

[Xeroc]

And if these fall out of our control, they could spread and multiply with the ability of thread-tribbles to hundred-thousand-word posts and before wednesday at 3:02pm, the internet could be brought to its knees!


And, so you see, to avoid this tragedy, you should never eat paper towels.


And on with the story! :D


... and a triumph for diplomatic theorists everywhere.

[e of pi]

However, Captain Kirk was disdainful of the new

[NeoMatrix]

redshirts that arrived on Tuesday

[Xeroc]

yet didn't have any phasers pre-ordered

[NeoMatrix]

, so he rigged some consoles to explode

[e of pi]

to kill the extra redshirts off in order

[NeoMatrix]

to make room for the new hot tub

[e of pi]

in the left side of transporter room 2.

[NeoMatrix]

However, the room was a little chilly

[Chancellor Valium]

due to an excess of chronotons, which

(FAO A person: There's a rule here: no more than one exclamation mark at a time ;) )

[e of pi]

led to the enevitable shuttle crash scene.

[Opium]

The shuttle craft, "HMS Breakapart", didn't shatter

[e of pi]

completely, but the one Chakotay had been flying

[Opium]

landed on a South Pacific island with

[Xeroc]

a really cool explosion sound effect.

[e of pi]

This fireball set off the volcano, raining burning

[Xeroc]

ash upon the nearby island, where everyone

[NeoMatrix]

went grocery shopping at Coconuts R' Us

[Xeroc]

which was open from 9 to 9, and

[e of pi]

took an hour or three off for lunch around noon

[NeoMatrix]

so they could dance around the

[Xeroc]

coconut fire. All this naturally led to

[Chancellor Valium]

an outbreak of hoopla-dancing in Liecester Square.

[e of pi]

In the end, the police had to be

[Opium]

asked to be quiet, as their singing

[Xeroc]

was absolutely, competely, positively, insanely, incredibly annoying.

[NeoMatrix]

They also wanted to invite some construction workers, but

[Chancellor Valium]

the workers refused, because Cardinal Richelieu had told

[e of pi]

them that the average intelligence of line dancers is indirectly propotionate to the complexity of the dance.

[Xeroc]

Meanwhile, in the fifth plane of Southwest Airlines,

[Opium]

the passengers wondered why they had heard

[Xeroc]

someone talking about cabbages and kings,

[e of pi]

instead of the normal announcments about emergency exits and underseat floatation devices.

[Xeroc]

Naturally, this all led to something so profound it

[Opium]

created a vortex in the plot/timeline continuum

[NeoMatrix]

right in Captain Janeway's ready room while

[Opium]

Tores was busy convincing Paris that TV's

[Xeroc]

won't take over the world on Tuesday, and

[e of pi]

thus he could watch Comander & Chief and House.

[Anonymous]

http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/images/smiles/icon_cool.gif (http://www38.websamba.com/onlinepokerrules/video-poker.html)It is ridiculous.http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/images/smiles/icon_cool.gif (http://free.hostdepartment.com/p/pokerrules/online-poker.html)

[Xeroc]

Meanwhile, in the darkest corners of the Five-Minute.Net Fora...



http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/images/smiles/icon_cool.gifIt is ridiculous.http://www.fiveminute.net/forums/images/smiles/icon_cool.gif
Look! There it is again! Quick, bag that spambot!

*jumps at the spambot with an e-net*

[e of pi]

a dark plan was being planned by the creators of the Critic.

[Opium]

They wanted to spread critisism across the

[Xeroc]

galaxy, and spam the living posts out of each and every

[Opium]

day it rained or snowed or sleeted

[NeoMatrix]

in hell. However, this never occurs

[Xeroc]

so their plan had some minor problems.

[e of pi]

Thus, they developed the diabolical new SuperCritic, which was

[Xeroc]

crafted out of the finest, strongest spamodium alloy, and

[e of pi]

given even better smilies, so it popped up and said

8) :twisted: It is really ridiculous :twisted: 8)

[Xeroc]

However, the Anti-Spam Task Force was hard at work

[NeoMatrix]

sitting around the house playing video games

[e of pi]

and watching Red vs Blue, allowing the evil conspiracy

[Opium]

of spam and twinkies to continue on

[e of pi]

their plan to spam their way to world domination.

[Xeroc]

However, the supervisor came in and

[e of pi]

forced them to abort their plan. However, the dam beavers

[Xeroc]

were daming the damn river with a damn dam, dammit!

[e of pi]

The goverment decided to get involved, so it sent a missive

[Xeroc]

missile aimed directly at that damn dam

[e of pi]

to try to destroy it and kill the dam beavers.

[Xeroc]

Fortunately, Superman showed up, and stopped the missile.

[e of pi]

Unfortunately, the dam was built of Kryptonite logs, so he

[Xeroc]

collapsed at the top of the damn dam, and said "Dammit!".

[e of pi]

Deciding that this would be a good time to cut back to the studio, the anchor

[Xeroc]

went out of the water and back onto the ship, to continue reporting.

[e of pi]

The reporter decided to follow, and thus also jumped up

[Xeroc]

into the studio through a spatial rift and decided to

[NeoMatrix]

cut in on a close football game and report that the Doc ordered the cheese to sickbay.

[e of pi]

Unfortunatly, before he got there, it mutated

[Xeroc]

into a cheese-mutant that took over deck 9 and

[NeoMatrix]

an abandoned empty dusty smelly broom closet on deck 10

[e of pi]

that had previously been stuffed full of redshirts because

[Xeroc]

they had too many on the ship, and needed to go on a few away missions.

[Opium]

Meanwhile, Dr. Crusher and Picard were getting married in a lovely moonlit ceremony

[NeoMatrix]

according to reports by Universal Fox News, but other sources

[e of pi]

disagreed, instead stating that it was candlelit or bonfire lit.

[whoiam]

However, the truth was so very, very different

[e of pi]

involving spot lights and a controlled nuclear reaction.

[whoiam]

Thankfully, this different truth was nothing to do

[e of pi]

with the current state of local fauna, which currently was mainly Acturian Mega-Cockroaches,

[Xeroc]

who didn't like hazelnut fruitcake. In other news,

[e of pi]

the Ferengi have sold their collective soul to the Collective

[Xeroc]

for the Price of, well, um, that's a lot of money.

[e of pi]

That's 10101011011010101101 credits or in other words in base 10, 1.2 metric boatloads.

[Xeroc]

Commonly reffered to as a ****'n ****y ****load of ****'n dough.

[e of pi]

Unfortunashizzle, the gangsta valet took the keys, and drove off.

[Xeroc]

Meanwhile, in other other news...

[e of pi]

the president had locked himself in a bathroom and refused tocome out unless it could be proven he was not a fish.

[Opium]

His behaviour was due to the breakup of Nick and Jessica

[e of pi]

and the subsequent revelation that no one really cared

[Opium]

except rumour-happy tabloid readers and advertisers. In fact

[e of pi]

Bush was the only person who had actually believed the story, as

[NeoMatrix]

he believes WMD's are hidden in the Face on Mars.

[Xeroc]

This, of course, is totally unrelated to the

[NeoMatrix]

pie incident on Mars last week, which involved

[Xeroc]

a interplanetary pie transport ship crashing 3.141 miles from a nearby settlement.

[NeoMatrix]

Residents were upset that the transport didn't crash closer

[Xeroc]

as they liked pie. Excpecially when it was

[NeoMatrix]

delivered right to their door, like the intergalatic pizza

[Xeroc]

delivery trucks always do. So, the martians

[Opium]

celebrated Dr Crusher and Picard's marriage with intergallitic pizza

[Xeroc]

delivered on time! Reasonably speaking, however,

[e of pi]

this was totally irrelevant. So, the hillibillies living just outside town packed up the family speeder and moved to Earth.

[Opium]

There they found a new trailer, with 3 bdrms, a fmly. rm, 2bths, np, ns, nf, nr, nm, no, nj, nk, nl, na, lvgn rm, opn gara, and

[Xeroc]

a whole lot of other incomprehensible acronyms.

[Opium]

So, they moved to New York, to enjoy the theatre life


(they are confusing! did you know that sometimes "np" means no party, other times no pets? )

[e of pi]

and Infertility, The Musical Taht's Hard to Concieve.

[Xeroc]

Of course, however, in reference to that, it was said that

[Opium]

tickets to musicals were great gifts to give girlfriends

[e of pi]

who wanted a good laugh, as the musical was a comedy, like The Complete Works Of William Shakespere, Abridged.

[Chancellor Valium]

Unfortunately, the man handing out spoons at the door

[e of pi]

was really part of the Secretive Movement of Evil Spoon Passer-Outers

[Xeroc]

who were mad at the Matrix for the "There is no Spoon" quote, and

[Opium]

wanted to punish those who watched musicals and other theatrical productions

[e of pi]

for no real reason. Their devious plan was to

[Chancellor Valium]

hand out spoons to people for no apparent

[e of pi]

reason, rather than performing their assigned duties.

[Xeroc]

It really didn't work too well, and some people

[e of pi]

decided to rebel against the rebels

[Opium]

and form an interpretive dance group that was really popular

[e of pi]

with sick people with nothing better to do.

[Chancellor Valium]

So the spoon-hander-outers decided that they

[e of pi]

would start handing out sporks to spur the masses to rebellion

[Xeroc]

against the use-the-fork people, who

[e of pi]

were also getting restless. The tense truce dissolved into open warfare

[Opium]

using Sims 2 games and characters, seeing who could have the most

[Xeroc]

fun with bugging their neighbors.

[e of pi]

in the end, the guy with the florecent orange lawn statuary won,

[NeoMatrix]

only because the guy with the singing gnomes

[e of pi]

was shot by the leader of the nieghborhood association

[Xeroc]

of shooting guys with singing gnomes.

[NeoMatrix]

However, the singing gnomes exploded

[Xeroc]

and blew up the house next door

[e of pi]

destroying the display of faux plastic christmas trees

[Xeroc]

and getting third place. Tuesday,

[e of pi]

the awards were to be recieved, however

[Xeroc]

on Wednesday, the cake will be done, and

[NeoMatrix]

devoured quickly, along with the

[Opium]

pie and shortbread. No one will eat the rock-hard sugar cookies

[e of pi]

which were baked by Hagrid, but then accidently delivered to the party by

[Xeroc]

some Owls of Unknown Origin.

[e of pi]

These owls were seriously stupid and mangled the address, as well as

[Opium]

taking two years to reach the party, causing the

[Xeroc]

sugar cookies to petrify into rock.

[e of pi]

However, this was not too far from their original composition

[Opium]

because Neelix made the cookies in the first place.

[NeoMatrix]

The debate between Chili Cheese Coffee and Store-bought Fruit Cake

[Opium]

was a huge one during the election, as many voters cared only for

[e of pi]

one or the other, but not both.

[Opium]

In the end, no-one won the Chilli vs Fruitcake debate

[e of pi]

due to this underlying apathy for the cause.

[Opium]

John and TopHatMan both went out for some store-bought fruitcake

[NeoMatrix]

, but ended up with frostbyte because

[e of pi]

the temperature was close to Absolute Zero.

[NeoMatrix]

Also, the fruitcake was now a frozen brick

[e of pi]

which attacking Borg tactical drones used as

[Opium]

food for the prisoners, as it was so horrible

[e of pi]

that the prisoners would beg to be assimilated, however

[Opium]

it was actually homemade and sold in stores, meaning it was really tasty

[e of pi]

and thus not suitable for the Borg holiday exploitation mass assimilation #4,323,204,820,384,766,285.1.847.21947b Mellenium+5 Edition.

[NeoMatrix]

However, with the new assimulation upgrade,

[e of pi]

the old trancievers registered a fatal error as the new system was not backwards compatable, thus

[NeoMatrix]

the Borg Tech Department had to assimulate

[e of pi]

another cargoshiip worth of storebought to make up for the loss.

[Opium]

On Boxing Day the Borg went shopping for

[e of pi]

new drones at the local mall's After Christmas sale.

[NeoMatrix]

The Buy One Get One Free Sale was a steal, for

[e of pi]

when they bought one shipload, they got one free.

[Opium]

Except, the ships were the size of small kayaks and

[Chancellor Valium]

were armed only with pea-shooters.

[e of pi]

However, this was tactically irrelevant as their only function was to measure the number of new drones to assimilated.

[Opium]

Or so though the Borg Queen, who was totally

[Xeroc]

involved in every aspect of the latest project,

[e of pi]

except for the Ship Purchase Accounting Board, which

[Opium]

utterly failed in finding an effective way of

[NeoMatrix]

preventing John from pushing buttons

[e of pi]

that had caused the utter destruction of

[Xeroc]

the last test Borg Cube.

[Opium]

Everyone cheered because there was no longer a threat from

[NeoMatrix]

cute innocent bunnies that attack when

[Opium]

provoked by fuzzy-wuzzy cute kittens

[Xeroc]

of DOOOM, and that the

[Opium]

'ships of bad fanfic had been destroyed and

[e of pi]

crushed into the ground, unlike certain posters who shall remain anymous if

[NeoMatrix]

they remain irrational and uncrushed until

[e of pi]

the apacolypse or his/her next next visit to Nebraska, whichever comes first.

[Opium]

This new way of writing so intrigued great writers like Margeret Atwood

[Anonymous]

ten words to continue the story, ending in a period.

[e of pi]

Apologetic statement revealing an infection of Logoutitis.

[Opium]

Many people began to. Then sentence fragments

[NeoMatrix]

appeared out of nowhere, raising support for

[Opium]

run-on sentences and provided a lot of

[e of pi]

work for the Sentence Revision Comitee, who were tasked with

[whoiam]

bringing word order and correct grammar to the

[Chancellor Valium]

Fish of DOOM, which resided in a thousand

[e of pi]

small dodecahedronal compartments located on top of

[Opium]

Mount Aerosmith, where the Aerosmith's lived in seclusion

[e of pi]

to escape the evil of the paparazzi, whose life mission was to

[Chancellor Valium]

to destroy the pepperoni stuff

[NeoMatrix]

on top of the mountain of

[e of pi]

which the stone to build the Castle of

[Chancellor Valium]

"Aargh" was used. John died once more, and

[e of pi]

thus once again reprised his role as the Zombie Private Eye, the new television sensation that's sweeping the nation, which is about

[NeoMatrix]

John teaming up with The King to solve crime

[e of pi]

while legally and physiologically deceased.

[NeoMatrix]

When paid with burgers, they spring back to life and get on the case

[Chancellor Valium]

of who exactly was John, John the Baker's Son

[e of pi]

who had been seen laughing manically without a permit, a crime punishable with death.

[Xeroc]

Meanwhile, in the delta pie zones of the fifth dimension...

[Chancellor Valium]

"It's turtles all the way down", cackled an

[e of pi]

and corrupt pie salesman by the name of

[Opium]

Piey McPie, who loved selling pies.

[Xeroc]

Unfortunately for him the Pie Police were hot on the trail of

[e of pi]

his band of evil, pie-stealing thieves who

[Xeroc]

were coincidentally out stealing pies. Who knew?

[e of pi]

This innocent question revealed a band of

[Xeroc]

musicians who had been playing suspenseful music behind the

[e of pi]

action in a pit at the rear of the stage. Their dramatic cues signaled

[Xeroc]

the cue for dramatizations by infomercial hosts who

[NeoMatrix]

have seen their careers fall faster than

[Xeroc]

a speeding brick. One that's falling, that is.