Five-Minute Torchwood: "Everything Changes"

[Zeke]

Believe it or not, this has been a big year for fiver-writing -- just not for 5MV itself! I'll tell this story more fully soon (or you can read it on the FB page), but the short version is that this summer I finished off several very longstanding unfinished fivers. I've been saving them for the big 25th anniversary event, still upcoming... but today's my birthday, and as a present to myself I'm going to release one of them now.

Torchwood is a strange spinoff of Doctor Who that began in 2006, and I am the one human being who absolutely loved that first season. (I seem to have a weakness for first seasons in general.) It went on to do bigger and stranger things in the seasons that followed, even pulling off one season (Children of Earth) that was universally acclaimed, before petering out and retreating to audio format, with so little publicity that most sci-fi fans probably have no idea it continued at all. It's currently in limbo, so for now at least, the book is closed on this bizarre experiment in Doctor Who without Doctor Who.

But you know me -- when I love something, I want to do fivers of it. So of course I've been toying with a Torchwood pilot fiver since pretty much the day it aired. (There's a "John Tucker Must Die" reference in here that was actually fresh at the time!) For whatever reason, I kept stalling out, but this year I finally got the mental traction I needed to finish it. You'll benefit if you've seen the pilot of Angel, a show that this show often reminded me of, and there are two really specific references to Five-Minute "Rose", but otherwise this should stand on its own... at least for those who remember this bold but doomed project at all.

Here at last is Five-Minute Torchwood: "Everything Changes".

[Nate the Great]

Since I never watched Torchwood I'll just toss up a timey-wimey reference and move on...

[Wowbagger]

Lines that caused me to make an audible laughing noise, beyond the usual smiles:

Doctor: There. Relax, it's perfectly 'armless now. And while you recover from the choking and the pun, I make my getaway!

Rose: Um, these photos are obviously doctored.
Clive: Exactly!

Gen. Jack O'Neill: Plastic aliens? Are you out of your minds? How did you even get into Cheyenne Mountain? Security!
Doctor: How stupid can I be, eh?

Mickey: No, they just dropped me at a pub. We should go there sometime, Rose. I'll introduce you to Pete and Travis

Rose: A veritable fountain of diplomacy, you are.

Doctor: Uh oh. It's taking control of everything plastic for miles. Dummies, cheap furniture, most of Pamela Anderson....

Pamela Anderson: Well, that was the weirdest ten minutes of my life.

(Because I did not want to miss the references. Tomorrow, Torchwood!)

[Wowbagger]

Suzie: I'm... hmm, I guess I have no notable traits yet. I'm sure they'll come later.
Tosh: I'm the requisite super-hacker and, as far as I can tell, the entire Asian population of this city.

Jack: Eh, as far as I'm concerned, it's somebody else's problem.

Owen: (Whew, now it's wacky and progressive.)

Jack: If it helps, I made a lot of it up.

Suzie: Ahh! Zombie! You'll never get my brain! *shoots self*
Jack: Pity, now I can't ask how she got her name into the credits. That was good camouflage.

Also, every joke in this scene is differently perfect:

Jack: I'm Captain Jack Harkness. Who hammered you, Tucker?
John Tucker: I... I think her name was Su-- GAK!
Suzie: Oops. Dropped him.
Jack: I wish you'd stop doing that. Isn't that annoying, person watching us?
Gwen: Ack! *runs off*
Jack: See, team? I told you that would work eventually.

I, too, had a sense of deja vu about this episode, but my life fast-forwarder is out of warranty.

[NAHTMMM]

Too many standouts including the Triphammered paragraph, but here:

Gwen: Stop! I have questions for yooou're not him.
Weevil: GRAAR.
Gwen: Don't suppose you've seen a man in an RAF greatcoat?
Weevil: *eats a random passerby*
Gwen: Maybe I'll just leave you be.

Yeah, might be a good idea.

Tosh: Is this the right Weevil? I thought the one we were after was bigger.

Oh you.

Pizza Guy: I guess I can let you see the names on our customer list, but not --
Gwen: Aha! Torchwood!
Pizza Guy: Oh, their address I'll give you. They tip like misers.

You mean their address isn't already on the publicly accessible website that uses the same simple password as every other secret government website in the world?

Jack: Good. Team, this is the start of a new era of competence for us.
Ianto: *shakes head sadly*
Jack: And you stop reading ahead. It's not healthy.

*snerk*


Also, happy birthday!