30th Anniversary DS9 Discussion Marathon

[Nate the Great]

May 10th, 1993, "Progress"

No fiver

The Episode

QUARK: (coming down the stairs with a waiter) I thought I told you to cancel that order. Now what am I supposed to do with five thousand wrappages of Cardassian yamok sauce. They're the only ones who could stomach that swill.

Actually our heroes use yamok sauce as a condiment quite a few times in the series. My question is what a "wrappage" is in this context.

Incidentally, if you want to know the ketchup/mustard counterpart to yamok sauce, it's kamoy syrup. It makes an appearance in one of the novels where Quark tries to unload it by feeding it to some Horta. It doesn't end well.

TORAN: Forgive my bureaucratic nitpicking, Major, but we're counting on Jeraddo's energy to heat a few hundred thousand Bajoran homes this winter.

I'm confused about how they intend to get the energy from a moon back to Bajor in an economical fashion.

Furthermore, "winter" is meaningless in a planetary context without more clarification. After all, winter in the northern hemisphere is summer in the south and vice-versa.

(After the titles, we meet an older man in his doorway - played by Brian Keith, great actor)

Yes, he is. I of course know him best from his role in The Parent Trap, but he did a lot of other stuff as well. And the Amazing Thing That I Learned Today is that he also voiced Uncle Ben in Spider-Man TAS.

KIRA: Mullibok, they begin tapping the core of this moon in seven days.
MULLIBOK: I know.
KIRA: You are only three people. This project is going to benefit thousands, hundreds of thousands.

Oh boy, is this a loaded issue. Personal autonomy versus the needs of the state and all that. I don't care to write a screed on this topic, given how depressing it is. My biggest problem with this particular situation is similar to my problem with the Maquis-this is not land that's belonged to your people for generations. It's been a couple decades, and the big bad government is willing to relocate you at no cost to a living situation that will be better than what you have now.

MULLIBOK: No. I told you, my life's here. If I leave, I'll die. So I'd rather die here.

Why is your life here? This needed more clarification.

MULLIBOK: I stowed away on a Cardassian survey vessel which was making stops all through the Bajoran system. They were looking for possible mining sites. Anyway, when we got here to Jeraddo, I overpowered the crew and I stole whatever I'd need to start building my life here.

So you admit to being a criminal who committed trespassing, assault, and theft. And you don't even have the excuse that you were with the Resistance and the supplies would be used to fight back against your oppressors. Why am I supposed to like you?

MULLIBOK: Well, it was mind over matter. Every twenty-six hours I'd just tightened up my waist-belt another notch, and that way my belly didn't know that it was shrinking.

I don't like this reference. I always got the impression that a Bajoran day was 26 Earth hours long. People actually on Bajor should still be using their own time measurement system unless they do business with the station.

MULLIBOK: Obviously I was going to have to plant and harvest a crop. So I did what any person would do who had to build an entire world for himself. First I rolled back and forth on the ground til it surrendered. Then I went down on my hands and knees and I started to plow using nothing but my fingernails, mind you. I plowed every last furrow in that field straight as a plumb line.

You didn't even bother to tie a rock to a stick to do the plowing for you? What an idiot.

MULLIBOK: If I came across a deposit of mineralised clay, what I'd do is just grind it up in my teeth.

Or you could smash it between two rocks and save your teeth, you senile geezer.

KIRA: You know what the Cardassians were like, what weapons they had. We didn't stand a chance against them.
MULLIBOK: How'd you beat them, then?
KIRA: We beat them because, because we hung on like fanatics.

Technically you didn't "beat" the Cardassians. At best you were one of three major factors that made the Cardassian Empire decide to give you up. The other two being the losses from the war with the Federation that left them without the ability to hold onto Bajoran space and the fact that the planet had already been bled dry and there wasn't enough left to make further losses viable. And personally I'd put the Resistance firmly in third place.

MULLIBOK: The Cardassians probably told you you didn't stand a chance, either. Did you surrender?
KIRA: No.
MULLIBOK: Why would you expect me to act any different than you?

The scenarios aren't parallel, Mullibok! It's been made abundantly clear that in a matter of days the planet will be rendered uninhabitable and you will die. Period. There isn't enough time for a resistance to do any good, and frankly you don't have the weaponry or technology to put up much of a fight anyway. The Resistance had a chance, you don't!

(Nog is inspecting their merchandise, a small device that springs out two rods when pressed.)
JAKE: So that's a stem bolt.
NOG: A self-sealing stem bolt. There's a difference.
JAKE: You're sure about that?

I don't think anyone was ever really sure about that. All we know about these things is that you can use them to make reverse-ratcheting routing planers.

NOG: What's important is that it's top grade merchandise. You can't get a better stem bolt in this sector.
JAKE: And we have a hundred gross of them.
NOG: That's a lot of stem bolts.

Why would anyone measure anything in gross (a dozen dozen i.e. 144) this far away from Earth? For that matter, I'd assume everyone on Earth uses the metric system by the 24th century except the hardcore traditional freaks.

(And given that the French invented the metric system I'd image that even Robert Picard uses metric!)

TORAN: I don't understand. There were forty-seven other people living on that moon. They all left willingly.

I'm not fond of straight, unmodified 47s at this point. You gotta reverse it to 74 or extend it to 447 or whatever to be clever.

[Nate the Great]

TORAN: We can't postpone. And if he stays, he'll be committing suicide. We'll have to beam him off the surface.
KIRA: If we take him like that, we'll be killing him.

How? I don't think Mullibok is the type to commit direct suicide, he prefers the romanticism of being killed for a cause, to make a point. As soon as that opportunity has passed he should snap out of it.

TORAN: I thought we'd agreed phased energy retrieval would take too long. It would mean waiting a full year before we can extract any meaningful amount of energy. I wish we had the time to be more delicate, but we don't.
KIRA: So instead we'll act like Cardassians.
SISKO: Easy, Major.

This isn't like being a Cardassian! The Cardassians would've done it by now. Maybe they'd give the Bajorans one chance to be evacuated (they always need slaves on Terok Nor), but it would only be one.

Personally I don't find the ethics of evacuating three people who couldn't survive here long-term that complicated.

NOG: We're, the Nog and, er the Noh-Jay Consortium, and we have a hundred gross of self-sealing stem bolts.

Only appearance of the Noh-Jay Consortium in canon, but it did make an appearance in a novel when Jake and Nog told someone about the events of this episode. Personally I would've liked it if the Consortium made a few more cameos in DS9. Nog using it as a cover during "Treachery, Faith and the Great River" comes to mind immediately.

NOG: We'll let you have them for five bars of gold-pressed latinum.
CH'ANO [OC]: Five bars!
NOG: Four bars.
CH'ANO [OC]: I don't think I
NOG: Three bars.
CH'ANO [OC]: If I had any latinum, I'd already have the bolts.

Yikes, Nog really doesn't have the lobes for business. Dropping the price forty percent at the least resistance?

Then again, we have #109: Dignity and an empty sack are worth the sack. And maybe you could apply a rule with an unknown number, "time, like latinum, is a highly limited commodity."

CH'ANO [OC]: I can't hear you. Can I interest you in a piece of land?
JAKE: Land is good.
NOG: For what? It's nothing but dirt.

Now that's a bit shortsighted, Nog. Where is this land? Is it possible that someone would want it?

I can't help but think of the Land Deeds in Majora's Mask that the Business Scrubs use to set up shop in various locations.

CH'ANO [OC]: I can let you have seven tessipates.
JAKE: Seven sounds good.

Tessipates only appear again in "Children of Time." One of the novels reveals that Sisko's land on Bajor encompasses several tessipates. This implies that a tessipate is roughly equivalent to an acre. Seven of those is nothing to sneeze at.

BASHIR: Just rest easy. You took a phaser blast which punctured your peritoneum.

The peritoneum is the "bag" of tissue that holds your abdominal organs. I wonder why Bashir would mention the puncture wound without also mentioning the phaser burns.

BASHIR: He's got to be cared for. I'm going to take him without his permission.
KIRA: No, you're not.

Now that's another screed to be had, the ethics of leaving someone who is passively suicidal unattended by a doctor. I'm not interested in this one either.

BASHIR: She didn't offer a word of explanation, sir. She simply removed her uniform tunic and started building.
SISKO: Well Doctor, right now she stands a pretty good chance of being out of uniform permanently.

That seems harsh. This could be a court-martialable offense by all means, but a dischargable offense? I don't think so.

KIRA: I don't really know. When I was very small, I remember there was this tree right outside my window. It was the ugliest, most gnarled and battered old tree I've ever seen. Even the birds stayed away from it.
MULLIBOK: But you loved it.
KIRA: I hated it. Because it'd grown so huge that its branches blotted out the sun for kellipates. And its roots buried themselves so deep in the soil nothing else could grow there. It was a big, selfish, annoying
MULLIBOK: Nasty
KIRA: Nasty, nasty old tree.
MULLIBOK: Sounds to me like it had a lot of character.
KIRA: A lot.
MULLIBOK: So what happened? Did you cut it down?
KIRA: I don't know yet.

The metaphor sort of fell apart on this one.

SISKO: You and I have a material subsistence report to finish by the end of the week.
KIRA: I don't think I'm going to be able to help you with that.
SISKO: It's part of the liaison officer's job.
KIRA: I know.
SISKO: I don't like the prospect of having to break in a new one.

There's a time and a place for this kind of gallows humor, and this isn't it.

ODO: I was contacted by a government official this morning. They want to build a reclamation facility on a strip of land owned by four different people. Three of them have agreed to sell, but the government doesn't know how to reach the fourth, this Noh-Jay Consortium.

This doesn't seem like Odo's job. It really seems more like Kira's job. Of course she's occupied, but like I keep saying, all of the senior officers should have an assistant who can be in charge (and the captain should have a yeooman/secretary).

For that matter, are you really allowed to do business in the Bajoran sector without registering as a corporation with a ton of paperwork?

MULLIBOK: So you chose your uniform over me after all.
KIRA: That's not true. The time I've spent with you here has meant so much to me, but it's over. It's time we went on with our lives. Mine and yours.
MULLIBOK: You say you're my friend. Prove it. Use that weapon on me.
KIRA: I can't.
MULLIBOK: If I leave here I'll die.
KIRA: No, you won't. I won't let you. Two to beam up.

This has to be one of the top five "the major drama of the episode wasn't actually resolved, they just stop the story" episode endings in all of Trek. Yikes is this not satisfying.

Memory Alpha

* The wiki compares this episode's resolution to that of "The Ensigns of Command." There's a screed to be had on the simularities and differences, but I won't write one.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil brings up the point that Bajor has a lack of decent farmland and that the Federation could provide more energy supplies.
* "The Wire" proves that Quark still has contacts in the Cardassian Empire, so why can't he unload this stuff to ANYONE?
* The Bajorans had solar sailing ships hundreds of years ago and they didn't manage to colonize this planet until a few decades ago?
* How did Bashir get to this moon so fast when it takes six hours by runabout to reach Bajor?
* In "The Nagus" Nog clearly states that Bajor has three moons, yet this episode features the FIFTH moon. Oops.
* Why didn't Jake and Nog ask the computer what you can use self-sealing stembolts for?

[Nate the Great]

May 16th, 1993, "If Wishes Were Horses"

No Fiver

The Episode

ODO: I have no time for fantasies.
QUARK: Ah. No imagination, huh?
ODO: Waste of time. Too many people dream of places they'll never go, wish for things they'll never have, instead of paying adequate attention to their real lives.

I get where Odo is coming from, but I think he's being overly simplistic.

QUARK: I could create a shape-shifter playmate for you. The two of you could intermingle.
ODO: You're disgusting.

I question what Odo would get from such an experience. Since he's the only changeling anyone's ever seen, knowledge of his physiology is limited at this point. Any duplicate would be a "shapeshifter" in the loosest sense. The computer doesn't know how to make it move properly, apply the correct pressure, etc. Plus pushing holographic bits of fake protoplasm into Odo's body couldn't feel very good for him.

(Jake comes through with his baseball bat and glove.)
ODO: You're not allowing young Mister Sisko in your holosuites, I hope.
QUARK: It's not what you think.
ODO: It better not be.

For goodness sake, holosuite programs cover an entire spectrum beyond sex, and Odo knows that!

On a completely different topic, why do the Siskos have physical baseball gear? Jake could ask for a bat and glove once he's in the holosuite! They can't possibly play often enough that personalized equipment would be worth it.

QUARK: Every afternoon, the boy goes up to play. His father brought a programme with famous players. You ever hear of Tris Speaker or Ted Williams or Buck Bokai?
ODO: Afraid not.
QUARK: Neither had I until I made it my business to find out. With all these humans coming now, the true entrepreneur knows how to sniff the wind.

Chakoteya is nice enough to provide links to the baseball wiki for Speaker and Williams. Speaker was a centerfielder for the Red Sox in the teens and twenties. Williams was a leftfielder for the Red Sox in the forties and fifties. Buck Bokai, of course, played for the London Kings in the 2020s.

QUARK: Family entertainment. That's the future, Odo. There's a fortune to be made. Little holo-creatures running around, rides and games for the kiddies, Ferengis in every doorway selling useless souvenirs.

It's a little overwhelming to think about how future technology will advance the theme park rides that we have today. The mention of "holo-creatures" brings my mind to perennial Arrowverse wiki toyetic character Beebo.

QUARK: I'm expanding. I'm negotiating to lease the space next door so I can use the same holo-generators.

Yeah, holodecks don't work like that. And it suddenly occurs to me that it would behoove Quark to open a family-friendly facility on the other side of the Promenade. It would certainly be more encouraging for the new Bajoran and Federation families on board. A no-alcohol bar, a proper sit-down restaurant, a real arcade, and family-friendly holosuites.

BASHIR: You are constantly in my thoughts. I can't even
WAITER: That was two raktajinos, extra strong.
BASHIR: I can't even concentrate.
DAX: You seemed to be concentrating just fine on the junior Lieutenant at the reception for Captain Stadius.
BASHIR: She was a poor substitute for you.

Yeah, this doesn't work. Either Bashir is obsessed with Dax to the point of eschewing all other women, or else he's a womanizer who just sees Dax as a challenge. Of course, the problem is that neither interpretation puts Julian in a very good light. So they should've dropped the whole thing or done it properly. As in, the attraction is gradual and they actually try dating before realizing that it doesn't work.

O'BRIEN: Rumpelstiltskin. And at the sound of his own name, the old man was so furious that he stamped his foot, shaking the entire kingdom, and he broke in two and disappeared.

If you're not watching Phelous already, you should be. Here's his review of a third-rate Rumpelstiltskin cartoon, featuring a cameo by Pat Morita.

O'BRIEN: Sweetheart, that was just make-believe. Rumpelstiltskin isn't real, okay? All right, I'll come in and check, but then it's bedtime. Why do we tell her stories about evil dwarfs that want to steal children?

Because the original fairy tales were meant to teach simple morals. In this case, "don't say you can do things that you can't, and don't depend on miracles to get you out of trouble."

(There is the lovely Michael John Anderson)

Chakoteya must be a fan of X-Files and/or Twin Peaks.

(Security enter)
RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Ah, the local constabularies.

"Constabulary" just means a police force that consists of constables. "Constable" is a particular rank of police officer, once found in most of medieval Europe but these days it mostly only used in former British realms and Scandinavia.

I'm still not sure of why Sisko would use the term in reference to Odo, his duties seem to go beyond that of a simple police officer.

KIRA: A hologram with an appetite?
BUCK: Hologram?
BASHIR: On the contrary, Major, he's quite real. They all seem to be.

Yes, they're real, but a real one? Are their life signs human or Trill or whatever Rumpelstiltskin is? Or does Julian just mean generic humanoid?

SISKO: You. You're not actually Buck Bokai.
BUCK: So how come I'm wearing his uniform?

Ba-dum-tish.

BASHIR: Not necessarily. Well, maybe. How could this sort of thing possibly happen?
DAX: A subspace disruption. Maybe some kind of dimensional shift.

A dimensional shift from where? Maybe I'll buy that Jadzia2 and Bokai somehow jumped over from a parallel universe, but if you're going to try telling me that all of the Grimm fairy tales happened in a parallel universe and somehow inspired the Grimm Brothers to write them down I'm going to need more exposition on that.

[Nate the Great]

ODO: Are the environmental controls broken down? It's snowing on the Promenade.
SISKO [OC]: Snowing?
ODO: We're looking at five or six centimetres down here.

You let the snow get two inches deep before reporting it? I thought Odo was more on the ball than that.

ODO: Disappeared but now there's a Gunji jackdaw running loose down here.
(Looks more like an emu to me)

Of course the birds were actually emus. Jackdaws are actually related to crows and ravens. Don't ask me why the name was applied to emus.

BASHIR: Jadzia, I find this difficult to say, but I want you to know, I would
DAX: Julian, there's really no need to apologise. In a way, I feel as if we've invaded your privacy. We all have fantasies and dreams we keep to ourselves, thoughts that should remain private.
BASHIR: I'm glad you understand.
DAX: Of course I do. I was a young man, once.

Thank goodness they brought this up. It doesn't exactly match the prankster image of Dax, but that's another issue.

DAX: She really is submissive, isn't she? Is that how you want me to be, Julian? So submissive?
DAX 2: I am not submissive. Am I?
BASHIR: No, er, well, I don't think so.
DAX 2: I'm just not the cold fish you are.
DAX: Cold fish?
BASHIR: Now, I never said that.

Calling Jadzia a "cold fish" is absolutely hilarious. I think the big problem is that Jadzia was having so much fun toying with Julian that she wasn't taking his feelings into consideration. After a month or two she should've given him a real date and then decide whether to continue dating him or tell him to stop because the date didn't work.

DAX 2: Come on, Lieutenant. Stop denying all those yearnings you feel.
DAX: Yearnings?
DAX 2: If you don't, you'll never know what you missed.

Jadzia won't really yearn for anyone until Lenara Khan. And Ezri reveals that if Worf hadn't come along she would've given Julian a chance. The real problem is that Jadzia planned on toying with Julian for FIVE YEARS before going on a date with him. I call that pretty monstrous.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: A farmer from Derry once tried to chase me off until I saved his crops from locusts
(I'm trying to imagine the level of global warming required for locusts in Derry....)

Derry is the second-largest city in Northern Ireland. I think the implication is that Northern Ireland is too cold for the bugs.

BUCK: Hey, Ben. It really meant a lot to me, how much you cared. That day we won that world series, there were only three hundred people in the stands.
SISKO: Three hundred and one in my version.

I think the idea that baseball was more boring than football and was inevitably doomed is a remnant of the Nineties that I'm glad we left there.

Look, I don't watch professional sports, but I don't begrudge those who do enjoy watching them. I'll refer you guys to Field of Dreams and A League of Their Own for more on this subject.

SISKO: Can we gain any time by moving the station?
DAX: If the rift collapses, the implosion would overtake us almost immediately.

It occurs to me that after the events of The Emissary something more powerful than the existing thrusters should've been installed. Of course you don't want the station bouncing between Bajor and the wormhole on a daily basis, but it would sure be useful in situations like this.

DAX: All available power's been transferred. Reading shield strength at one hundred fifty eight percent above normal.

158% above normal is 258%. I don't think the shield generations could handle that much extra power. This "you can always throw more power at it" thing that Trek keeps doing is frankly annoying. Even something as simple as the anti-Borg deflector dish trick in "Best of Both Worlds" would've required a lengthy stay in spacedock to get it done.

BUCK: We're on an extended mission exploring the galaxy. Awhile back, we followed one of your ships through that hole in space out there. We've been watching you, trying to figure out the rules of your game.
SISKO: Why didn't you just talk to us like this?
BUCK: We've learned you never can tell how someone will treat the visiting team.
SISKO: I understand.

Oh boy, is this a screed waiting to happen.

BUCK: We've got to go.
SISKO: But you haven't told us anything about your species.
BUCK: I'd like to. Maybe next year.

Yeah, he won't be back. And before we end the episode, where was the scene between Dax and Bashir where we resolved everything that happened there?

Memory Alpha

* I find it hilarious when Meany objected to a leprechaun instead of Rumpelstiltskin like the original plan was, only to play a leprechaun himself in "The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns."
* Of course this episode is the source of the baseball that Sisko will keep on his desk and will play an important part in many future episodes.

Nitpicker's Guide

* Phil wonders how Bokai's baseball maintained its reality after he left. My immediate rejoinder is that we haven't a clue whether or not this species can manifest real stuff like Q can.
* Phil has problems with Jadzia referring to Dax as having been a young man once, when we know that there were three male hosts before her. I think Phil is being overly pedantic. Being a young man three times does not mean that referring to a singular instance is a lie.
* How did O'Brien modify torpedoes by tapping away at a console? Phil thinks this would require Undiscovered Country-style "surgery."

[Nate the Great]

May 23rd, 1993, "The Forsaken"

Fiver by Nic

Let me get this out of the way up front. Lwaxana should've never appeared on DS9. At all. She's overbearing and oblivious to the point of madness, but in conjunction with Deanna and Picard she had some interesting plots. On DS9 she had no such counterpoint, and no, Odo doesn't count. Furthermore that whole escapade with her failed marriage and son was just a bad episode of television.

The Episode

Station Log, stardate 46925.1. We have been honoured with a visit by a delegation of Federation ambassadors on a fact-finding mission to the wormhole. Fortunately I have just the officer to take them off my hands.

Yeah, no. Sisko is a commander, he shouldn't be dealing with ambassadors. And like I said before, Sisko's diplomatic mission to the Bajorans seems to have been dropped, so there should be a dedicated ambassador offscreen who can handle this.

Furthermore, Bashir is even less qualified than Sisko to deal with ambassadors. I would think Dax would be the ideal candidate given the options.

BASHIR: I only wish there was something I could do, Ambassador.
TAXCO: (alien red-head) Madam Ambassador.
BASHIR: Madam Ambassador. But all the guest quarters on the station are roughly the same size.
TAXCO: Then move me to the crew level.
BASHIR: All the quarters on the crew level are currently occupied.
TAXCO: Then someone can move. You, for example.

Ugh. Every Federation starbase should have dedicated VIP suites. Period. Furthermore, the Cardassians would've had such things already. And even if there weren't and O'Brien couldn't make some, there should be a dedicated starship in the sector by now, and THEY would have VIP suites.

BASHIR: Commander Sisko is extremely busy.
VADOSIA: With what?
BASHIR: With the recalibration sweep.
LOJAL: (Vulcan) What are you recalibrating?
BASHIR: Everything. It's a sweeping recalibration of all systems.

Yeah, it doesn't work like that. I'll skip the Treknobabble screed, but believe me when I say that it would be a long one.

BASHIR: You would? After your long trip, I thought you might enjoy stopping by a holosuite?
TAXCO: Are you actually suggesting we indulge in one of those disgusting Ferengi sex programmes?
BASHIR: No. I, the holosuites are capable of many different--

Can we drop the idea that "the default holosuite program is sex" now? Gene is dead, you don't need to be puerile anymore.

TAXCO: A first-year officer assigned as our liaison. Starfleet command will hear of this.

As well they should. Sisko isn't doing his job.

So Bashir just started his career and he's a Lieutenant? It's an interesting idea: If you just do the standard four years you graduate as an Ensign, but if you go additional schooling for a specialty you graduate as a Lieutenant. That would explain Saavik in TWOK, come to think of it. Maybe she went to some special Command school to get her rank. It would also explain Ro Laren's situation, for that matter.

LWAXANA: I had just made a third straight cross. I was leaning across the table to pick up the dice again...

Quark lets Betazoids gamble in his bar? Just because they can't read Ferengi doesn't mean that they couldn't read the minds of the Bajoran dabo girls and his other staff! Furthermore, gamblers and criminals across the quadrant would prioritize telepathy dampeners by now in order to ply their trades.

LWAXANA: You are dealing with a daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the holy Rings of Betazed.

It's been quite long enough for proper explanation of these items. We know that the Sacred Chalice is a moldy clay pot, but what are the Holy Rings? In the novel Imzadi Will Riker found them in a box in the back of Lwaxana's closet.

It's been suggested that Lwaxana is the only one who takes these things seriously anymore, but I wish that had been made clearer.

LWAXANA: That's it. That's my brooch. But how did you know?
ODO: Dopterians are distant relatives of the Ferengi. It made sense that if you couldn't read Quark, you might not be able to read this charming fellow either.

The most famous Dopterian (to us) is probably Gorta from "Firstborn", the guy SF Debris hailed as having more personality than all of the criminals from "Gambit" combined.

O'BRIEN: Computer, is the diagnostic on the fusion power plant finished yet?
COMPUTER: Affirmative. The fusion power plant is operating within normal parameters.
O'BRIEN: What are you talking about? It's thirteen percent below normal.
COMPUTER: Cardassian specifications accept operating efficiency within twenty percent.

Oh boy, another screed is hiding here, this time about Cardassian standards, perhaps even speculation on whether their arrogance and god complexes overpower any desire for efficiency.

In any case, O'Brien should've reprogrammed this by now, this scene is for Episode 2 or 3, not 16.

O'BRIEN: Well, I don't. Anara.
(A Bajoran woman comes over)
ANARA: Yes, sir.

Oh, boy, Anara. She was supposed to be more important in future episodes, including "In the Hands of the Prophets", but this was dropped. I think I recall from somewhere that Keiko was going to become jealous of her at one point, but any possible infidelity plotline was dropped.

O'BRIEN: How much do you know about the carbon reaction chambers?
ANARA: I've learned a little about laser-induced fusion. Not much more than the basics.
O'BRIEN: It's a bloody inefficient system, and I'd trade it in for a Federation model tomorrow if I could. But it's all we've got.

This episode is just full of possible tangents for ranting, isn't it?

O'BRIEN: Fine? With all due respect, Commander, as an engineer, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I allowed this computer to perform as it is now. I'll have to do a root canal.
SISKO: Root canal?
O'BRIEN: It's engineering shorthand, sir. I'll have to get into its guts and rebuild her from the ground up.
SISKO: How long will that take?
O'BRIEN: Well, I'm still not that familiar with Cardassian technology but I'd guess no more than two, three years.

I have to think that just replacing the core with a Federation model and reprogramming it to do DS9-specific tasks would take less time.

LWAXANA: Is Odo your first or last name?
ODO: Yes.

No, Odo is his "family name", Ital is his "personal name". Even Memory Alpha lists his full name as Odo Ital, Cardassian for "Unknown Sample."

LWAXANA: I'm understand you're a shape-shifter.
ODO: That's correct.
LWAXANA: I've never been with a shape-shifter.

Really? There are any number of shapeshifting species in Trek, if you decide to separate "shapeshifters" (can change between humanoid forms only, like salt vampires, or Garth or Marta) from "changelings" (can assume any form). She's never been with a changeling before.

LWAXANA: All the men I've known have needed to be shaped and molded and manipulated. Finally I've met a man who knows how to do it himself.

Well, that's disturbing, and quite inconsistent with Lwaxana's prior relationships. She might've remolded Ian a bit, but after that she seems to prefer me with strong wills who can stand up to her: Picard, Timicin, Odo.

SISKO: What's the problem?
ODO: The manner in which she expresses her gratitude. To be honest, Commander, she seems interested in me.
SISKO: What's wrong with that?
ODO: She's extremely aggressive.
SISKO: I see. So, she's after you.
ODO: Like a Wanoni tracehound.

Wanoni tracehounds have a couple different backstories in the expanded universe. If you take RPG supplements as more canonical than random published nonfiction, these dogs are native to Betazed and resemble our mastiff dogs.

[Nate the Great]

ODO: I don't have time for romantic interludes. Frankly, in my humble opinion, most of you humanoids spend far too much time on your respective mating rituals.
SISKO: It does help the procreation of one's species.
ODO: Procreation does not require changing how you smell, or writing bad poetry, or sacrificing various plants to serve as tokens of affection. In any event, it's all irrelevant to me.
SISKO: I'm sorry to hear that.

Thank goodness they addressed this. Romance does not equal sex, and sex does not equal babies.

Odo's examples seem a little Earth-specific. I wonder why he wouldn't use Cardassian or Bajoran romantic gestures instead.

(Odo checks the coast is clear before stepping off the turbolift, but still gets caught.)

This joke was done better in "Half a Life."

ODO: You told Quark you were going into a holosuite with me?
LWAXANA: Of course. He's preparing a special picnic basket for us.
ODO: Good lord.

"Menage a Troi" established Lwaxana's fondness for picnic baskets. I'd love to have seen Quark's response to the request.

"Good lord"? Really? Odo doesn't seem one for religious expressions like this. And even if he was so inclined, "by the Prophets" would seem more fitting, given the setting.

ODO: I don't eat. This is not a real mouth, it is an approximation of one. I do not have an esophagus or a stomach or a digestive system. I am not like you. Every sixteen hours, I turn into a liquid.

And we know that he only tried to eat once. He didn't get anything out of it, and the aftermath was quite messy. Even so, he knows how to keep someone company while they eat by now.

KIRA [OC]: By the way, Cardassian turbolifts run exposed multi-phase alternating currents through their positioning mechanisms, so don't try to shape-shift your way out.

Cardassian turbolift tubes seem like OSHA nightmares. Thank goodness a quantum filament never hit the station trapping Captain Picard and some kids inside one.

SISKO: All of us have had these assignments, Doctor.
BASHIR: Have you, sir?
SISKO: As a matter of fact, Curzon Dax used to take perverse pleasure in assigning me to take care of VIP guests.

I suddenly wonder how Curzon would handle the instances in TOS that were ruined by the insufferably stupid ambassadors that Kirk kept having to deal with.

Station log, supplemental. Odo and Ambassador Troi remain trapped in turbolift four. As of yet, we have been unable to ascertain what it is that's causing the station's computer to malfunction.
(Note - previously it was turbolift seven. )

I wonder if Chakoteya read the Nitpicker's Guides.

SISKO: Do you happen to know the schedule of his regenerative cycle?
KIRA: My god, I have no idea, but if he doesn't get back to his pail in time--

Quark knows Odo's regeneration cycle, this would seem like a prime opportunity to let him show off. It would let him be smug and amused at Odo's situation, we know that Quark doesn't like Lwaxana any more than Odo does.

ANARA: Computer, access musical files in the Bajor master data banks and create a concert programme of Bajoran serenas.

A serena is a type of French poem or song where a lover anticipates the arrival of night. This is so culturally specific that I'm not sure that you can apply it to other species.

SISKO: How did you beat that thing in the computer, Chief?
O'BRIEN: I didn't.
DAX: He adopted it.
SISKO: Adopted it?
O'BRIEN: I was able to get our friend out of the main command pathways and into a subprogramme.
SISKO: You're suggesting we leave it in there?
O'BRIEN: I don't see why not. It's happy. It's not bothering us any more. It seems the humane thing to do.
DAX: It's just another new lifeform visiting the station.
O'BRIEN: I'll take care of it, make sure it gets enough attention and all.
SISKO: Keep it off the furniture.
O'BRIEN: Yes, sir.

Pup will make a few appearances in the novels, most notably in Valhalla. A Memory Alpha editor wonders if Sisko destroyed it when he made the computer self-destruct in "A Call to Arms" before the Dominion occupied the station.

The Fiver

Sisko: Old man, where is Chief O'Brien?
Dax: He's in his quarters, crying. The computer malfunctioned and then told him something mean.
Sisko: What? You're not saying the "This program has performed an illegal operation" line reduced him to tears?
Dax: You keep forgetting this is a Cardassian computer, Benjamin. It told him, "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

Most people would focus on the Monty Python joke, but I am not "most people." What I found funny was the illegal operation joke, it reminds me of a story from the old Computer Stupidies site. A little old lady runs across the illegal operation error screen, then hears police sirens in the distance. She thinks she's going to be arrested, so she hides the computer then calls tech support to turn herself in.

Bashir: You ordered me to take care of the ambassadors just to inflict needless, brutal torment on me, did you? DID you?
Sisko: Yes. Bwahahahaha! And there's more where that came from!
Bashir: Um... why don't you inflict that torment on, say, Chief O'Brien instead? He always impersonates you and says that Kirk and Picard were way better Captains.
Sisko: He does? That's it, he's going down. I'll give him seven years of needless, sick torment... Cardassian tribunal, Cardassian jail, temporal anomalies...
Bashir: Don't give him any promotions either.

So that's where the O'Brien Must Suffer episodes came from. The last line doesn't work, though. He was promoted from Chief Petty Officer to Senior Chief Petty Officer sometime in the fourth season.

Constable's Log: Lwaxana invades our space, and we fall back. Lwaxana annoys entire space stations, and we fall back. Not again!

This is a good example of how hyperbole is needed to make a dated reference funny.

O'Brien: Hello? Computer? Who is in there? Do you wish to talk to me about something?
Computer: No. Now go away before I taunt you a second time.

Double-dipping Monty Python jokes rarely succeeds, and it doesn't here.

Sisko: Well, okay, but only if you'll clean it and take it out for a walk!
Entity: RUFF!
Sisko: Mmm, chili...

I know Enterprise well enough to recognize a Porthos joke.

Sisko: So, Odo, how did you survive all those hours in the turbolift with Lwaxana?
Odo: Someone once told me Lwaxana was a predator, that stalked us all our lives. But I'd rather believe Lwaxana is a companion, who goes with us on a journey, and reminds us to cherish every moment when she's not around, because she will be back!

I'm on the fence about this joke.

Memory Alpha

* First appearance of Odo in his natural state.

Nitpicker's Guide

* First appearance of Kira's one-piece catsuit uniform.
* After Lwaxana retrieves her brooch Odo hauls the Dopterian off without taking the rest of the stolen items. Oops.
* One of the ambassadors complains about the gargoyles, which we've never seen. Phil jokes that they're only in the honeymoon suite.
* He also noted the "good Lord" thing.
* I must've remembered the "Quark knows Odo's cycle" thing from the book as well.
* In this episode Odo's cycle is fixed at sixteen hours, it was longer before.
* Phil brings up the fact that the Federation was willing to give the Uxbridges a fusion powered replicator in "The Survivors", so why haven't they refitted the station? My counter-argument is that giving away standalone tech is quite different from spending the resources to retrofit the station. Remember that it would entail a dedicated starship, a fleet of workbees, etc.
* Didn't the Cardassians take everything of value? Wouldn't the computer count as being something of value?
* Phil wonders if the conflicting references to the turbolift as 4 and 7 is a hidden 47. Nah, that was just editing incompetance.
* Okay, the station transporters are down. Why not use the runabout transporters?
* Odo is so exhausted that his face and hands start to sweat. But his clothes don't even though they're a part of him as well. Oops.

[Nate the Great]

May 30th, 1993, "Dramatis Personae"

Fiver by Nic


The Episode

KIRA: Commander, I just received word that a Valerian transport has requested permission to dock here at the station.
SISKO: Let me guess. You're here to recommend that we deny that request.
KIRA: The Valerians ran weapons-grade dolamide to Cardassian forces during the occupation of Bajor.
SISKO: I'm aware of that.
KIRA: I believe they're continuing to ship weapons to the Cardassians. Weapons that could eventually be used to attack Bajor.

Only appearance of dolamide. I'm not fond of inventing something and then never reusing it. There are many established engine/weapon components that could be used here.

This conversation should've appeared earlier. Who controls travel bans: the Federation or the Bajorans? Does Starfleet support species-based prejudice on Bajor? Has the Federation taken the stance that the Cardassians are now restrained in their actions by the treaty, or are we going to act as though the Cardassians are just rebuilding and preparing for another Bajoran invasion?

SISKO: I share your concern, Major. But unless we have proof to back up those charges
KIRA: The proof is on that ship. Let me conduct a search and if I find any dolamide, we can confiscate it.

First, the Federation does not support the idea of "guilty until proven innocent." It never has, it never will. Second, if the Bajorans are really in charge Kira doesn't need to ask for permission from Sisko for this. Third, as Sisko says, there are non-weapon uses for dolamide. Dolamide itself is not proof of criminal intent, so Kira couldn't confiscate it anyway.

KIRA: So we're going to do nothing.

Well, yeah. We don't know if these particular Valerians even have a relationship with the Cardassians, or if they have a history of running weapons for them, or if there's even dolamide on board! I'm not seeing justification for a search and seizure here!

DAX: Chief, I have a subspace message for you from your wife. They've arrived safely on Bajor.
O'BRIEN: Imagine taking eleven bored schoolkids on a visit to the grain processing centre at Lasuma. I'm glad it's not me.

There are only eleven students? Only mention of Lasuma. Of course the fans remembered this, and the settlement appears in a Strange New World story. And since there's a grain processing center there, of course the story involves tribbles.

DAX: It's the Klingon vessel Toh'Kaht.
KIRA: They weren't due back for another month.

What would the Klingons be doing for over a month in the Gamma Quadrant if nobody's even heard of the Dominion yet? Even if there's such a thing as exploratory vessels, it seems like a bad time. The fleet should still be recovering from the civil war.

DAX: According to Klingon High Command, the Toh'Kaht was in the Gamma quadrant on a routine bio-survey mission.

For over a month, before the communications relay is built. That seems like a GREAT idea!

SISKO: I'd like an explanation.
KIRA: I wasn't finished running a background check on their ship.
SISKO: We agreed there would be no delays in the docking procedure.

Exactly. Sisko was very clear. No assumption of guilt, and no tampering until proof of guilt is found.

KIRA: They just visited Fahleena Three and Mariah Four, the same two stops they used to make when they were running dolamide to the Cardassians. The last stop would be the purification plant on Ultima Thule. Now if I can place them there, we'll know they're running weapons-grade material.

Circumstantial evidence at best. Sisko would've never accepted this.

BASHIR: How do you feel?
ODO: Fine.
BASHIR: Good. Because I have no way to know. Your body chemistry defies analysis.

Ugh. I'll skip the screed about how they should know exactly how Odo works by now.

KIRA: The Valerians. Their ship was at the Ultima Thule station one week ago. That confirms it. They're definitely running dolamide.
SISKO: So?

Yes, so? Do you have anything more than circumstantial evidence, Major?

KIRA: That ship is acting against Bajoran interests. This station is Bajoran property.
SISKO: Commanded by a Federation officer. Commanded by me. Are you challenging that, Major?

How is that ship acting against Bajoran interests? Kira is skipping steps in her investigation again.

O'BRIEN: What if it's more than a difference of opinion? What if Kira thinks the Bajorans don't need us on DS Nine? It is their station.
DAX: That would be suicidal. Without a Federation presence, Bajor would be vulnerable again to the Cardassians.

Exactly. Until such time as Cardassia is truly declawed, Bajor will need the Federation.

KIRA: Exactly. And that's just what I need right now. Your cooperation. I'm convinced the Valerians have dolamide on board, but the evidence is still circumstantial. I need solid proof. I want you to slip past their security systems and into their cargo bay.
ODO: I heard that Commander Sisko was adamant about not interfering with the Valerian ship.

Illegal search and seizure, I've ranted about this enough.

KIRA: I couldn't imagine running this station without you.
DAX: Are you trying to tell me something?
KIRA: My disagreement with Sisko over the Valerians is no secret.

Look, I get that there's an alien presence influencing everyone, but that doesn't mean we get to throw logic out the window. Kira's current mental state wants the Federation gone, and Starfleet would not let Dax remain. Nor would they want Kira to be the station commander and in command of Starfleet personnel.

It occurs to me that Kira getting a Starfleet commision in the seventh season was absolutely ridiculous. In fact, there should be a Starfleet training program in effect right now intended to get Bajoran Militia officers the qualifications they need to assume a Starfleet commission. *

KIRA: If you were to talk to Starfleet Command, tell them how displeased the Bajorans are with Sisko's handling of this. I know they'll listen to you.

I don't think this would work.

KIRA: Dax. We have to keep the Valerians here until we can search their ship and confiscate the dolamide. You've got to convince Starfleet it's for the good of Bajor and the Federation.

Okay, let's take a step back here. Even IF the Valerians are running weapons-grade dolamide to the Cardassians as part of their rearming efforts, the Federation can't do diddly-squat about it until there's proof that the Cardassians intend to attack Bajor with it.