THIS JUST IN: Section 31 movie accepts nece-- oh, are we done with it already?

In a press release, the just-released film "Star Trek: Section 31" has announced that -- wait, what? Nobody's talking about this movie anymore? Already? It's been out for what, four days? Huh. Well, I guess we'd better not waste any more time on this silly news item, even if the premise was pretty clever. See, the Section 31 movie was going to claim it WANTED to fail in order to make other Kurtzman projects look better, all for the greater good of the Trek franchise. Get it? It works on a couple of... you're already gone, aren't you? Nuts.

THIS JUST IN: Government on drones: "That is the constellation Leo"

Amid rising concerns about mysterious lights off the nation's Atlantic coast, the US government has clarified that these lights are in fact simply stars in the constellation Leo. "Learn your constellations, people," said Homeland Security head Alejandro Mayorkas. "What? Yes, of course they're moving. Leo is a lion, it's alive. Look, what else would be causing something like this? The ECON? After all these years?" Meanwhile, YouTube group Schmoyoho (accent on the "yo") cautioned, "What the heck is going on? Americans could be killed! By a shotgun! By a drone! By a flamethrower! In your home!"

(Here's the context for that last bit.)

THIS JUST IN Editor's Note:

A number of readers have asked why this publication has not covered the Madame Web movie. Some have accused us of both misogyny and arachnophobia, and are demanding a public apology, along with free ponies, for some reason.

We at TJI wish to assure the public that we have no such biases in our coverage. We just honestly thought this movie was made up.

THIS JUST IN - William Shatner furious that some other Kirk got a musical episode

"Oh, come on! NOW Kirk can sing?" complained the actor. "This is an outrage. Do you have any idea how many times Leonard and I pitched a Star Trek musical? That man had the voice of an angel. We would have brought tears to every eye across America, but our producers always said no. We had to maintain the dignity of the production, they said. And now look! I can't let this go unanswered!" At press time, Shatner was tuning a guitar menacingly (we didn't think that was possible either, but there's no other way to describe it). Reached for a response, current Trek producer Alex Kurtzman read Shatner's comments several times and finally asked, "What the hell is 'dignity'?"

THIS JUST IN: "This reporter" fired

Following a recent million-dollar settlement, and also citing that "it seemed like the in thing to do", the award-winning publication THIS JUST IN has fired its leading and only news personality, "this reporter". "Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting for an excuse?" stated TJI owner Zeke. "He's responsible for every scandal and disaster we've ever had. Also all the good stuff, but that's more a coincidence than anything else." Immediately following the announcement, the fired journalist was re-hired to report on his firing and re-hiring. Despite filing multiple lawsuits, this reporter holds no grudge and is already searching for the next juicy rumour to spread as absolute fact. Watch this space for the full story on Cardi B being cast as Dr. McCoy in Strange New Worlds!

(This was prompted by Tucker Carlson and Don Lemon getting fired by their networks -- within a day of each other!)

THIS JUST IN: Kurtzman to fix accidental creativity

Head Star Trek producer and three-time world champion upward-failer Alex Kurtzman has announced plans to fix what he considers the greatest mistake of his tenure. "It's come to my attention that a while ago one of my teams took the old, tired idea of a Starfleet Academy series and spun it into gold, adding elements of Star Wars and Guardians of the Galaxy to create Star Trek: Prodigy. Apparently it's been our most creative and entertaining Star Trek project by far. I really can't apologize enough -- I took my eye off that one and let it get out of control. It's too late to undo the damage, but I can at least go back to the drawing board and give you all the boring, regular Academy show you deserve. And have been asking for for years. For some reason." Not to be outdone in the show-about-the-least-interesting-part-of-your-setting sweepstakes, the Star Wars franchise is reportedly developing yet another Tattooine show, and Marvel will -- oh, Marvel has just nodded and resumed its current projects.

THIS JUST IN: Cavers chided for insufficient caving

Following its most recent episode, in which it completed a slow and steady cave to one subset of fandom, the Rooster Teeth series RWBY has come under fire from that same group for not caving more. "Okay, yes, THAT particular pairing of two characters we started shipping before they met each other or had personalities has been delivered. But what about the OTHER pairing of two characters we started shipping before they met each other or had personalities? Give us everything, you cowards! Don't tell us it would be out of nowhere -- it's not like you bothered with any character development to set up that first pairing!" Series head writer Miles Luna was quick to respond that no characters have been maliciously denied development, as lack of characterization is an across-the-board policy.

THIS JUST IN: Ireland "fed up" with ill treatment from Star Trek

President Michael D. Higgins of the Republic of Ireland has issued a formal complaint against the Star Trek franchise for its "continuing abuse" of the nation he represents. "The list hardly needs repeating. 'Up the Long Ladder'. 'Fair Haven'. 'Spirit Folk'. The annual torture of Chief O'Brien. 'Spirit Folk' again, because it's bad enough to be on here twice. And now this! Discovery's Season 4 finale just happens to be on St. Patrick's Day. Not only are you stealing our limelight, you're doing it with rubbish!" When asked how he knew the episode would be "rubbish" before it aired, Mr. Higgins said, "You've seen this show's other finales, right? It's a 1 out of 3 record if we're being generous. Somehow I'm not counting on number 4 being lucky."

Followup comment:
First 55 minutes: "Maybe Higgins was wrong. This is very by-the-numbers but not aggressively dumb."
Last 5 minutes: "Ohhh, there it is."

THIS JUST IN: Oh dear sweet merciful Lord, Discovery and Picard are going to overlap

Paramount has announced (a while ago, but who follows their Twitter?) that the new season of Star Trek: Picard will begin while the current season of Star Trek: Discovery is still in progress. This will be the first time two live-action Star Trek shows have aired new episodes on a simultaneous weekly basis since Deep Space Nine and Voyager overlapped. While our official position here at TJI is that Paramount is great and this is probably a great idea and everything will be absolutely fine, for no particular reason we are pondering the glorious halcyon days of 1993 to 1999 and also the ending of "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream", in which the narrator is reduced to "a thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."

THIS JUST IN: 2000 AD prevents dreadful mixup

The British magazine 2000 AD has issued a public statement announcing that "No, 'Metroid Dread' is not the long-awaited crossover where Judge Dredd battles Samus Aran. Sorry. You will have to be content with today's news from Nintendo being the SECOND best that it could have been." We at TJI stress that all opinions quoted in this paper reflect only the views (and ranking systems) of their speakers. We at TJI are also not completely sure how to spell British-style, so if necessary, please insert any of the following into the previous quote: u u u u u u u u u u u h h ppe

THIS JUST IN: Palindromic Super Bowl plan goes awryrwa

Late in the night on February 2, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell made a special announcement about the Super Bowl game, entering its seventh overtime as this issue goes to press. "Okay, we're sorry. This was a bad idea," Mr. Goodell admitted. "We just wanted to celebrate this special palindromic date, 02/02/2020, by making all our scores palindromic too. We realize now that the idea of splitting the points evenly had a fatal flaw. We're looking for a solution that doesn't cheat either side. For now, everybody just hang in there, and focus on all the records we've set today. 56½ to 56½ is already the highest-scoring game in league history!" Mr. Goodell began to add that the game had become a tribute to some other relevant occasion, but suddenly ran away, startled by what appeared to be his own shadow. We at TJI will keep you posted, even if this series of pointless repetitions takes another six weeks of football to conclude.

THIS JUST IN: Alan Moore enraged at adaptation of vote

After voting in a national election for the first time in 40 years, author Alan Moore has expressed outrage at the handling of his vote. "I could not have made my plot any clearer," said Moore. "It was entirely ignored. The new government bears no resemblance to the one I scripted." Moore, a self-described anarchist known for the terrifying might-makes-right authoritarian vision of MARVELMAN, is currently demanding that his name be somehow removed from prime minister Boris Johnson.

THIS JUST IN: Trek fan "invasion" flops

An attempt by Star Trek fans to organize an invasion of the infamous Section 31 has met with failure. Although the Facebook event "Storm Section 31, They Can't Mind-Probe All of Us" achieved several thousand likes and shares, not one participated on the actual day, including event organizer Oxford Rufus. "We ran into a few snags," said Mr. Rufus. "Section 31 turned out to be far too cunning for us. Not only are they masters of stealth and deception who possess advanced technology, they also have no headquarters to invade, and are, um, fictional. Look, a LOT of us were doing a LOT of drugs, okay?"

(Anybody remember "Storm Area 51, They Can't Stop All of Us"? That's okay, people barely remembered by the time of the actual raid. It was a Snakes on a Plane kind of thing -- people thought the idea was funny but didn't actually go.)

THIS JUST IN: Netflix inexplicably still making things other than Daredevil

To the amazement of fans and critics alike, streaming network Netflix has announced no plans to stop making other shows and just make more Daredevil. In a world where Young Sheldon gets 22-episode seasons, the Marvel show will continue not to, and Netflix will continue to spend millions of dollars on other things that aren't as good. "Honestly, we'd be fine with it," said actress Krysten Ritter. "You did see my last season, right?" Netflix's non-decision has upped the ante from their equally baffling choice to make second solo seasons of Luke Cage and Iron Fist when they finally had ALL the pieces of Heroes For Hire and could JUST HAVE MADE THAT AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AWESOME GODDAMMIT.

Followup comment:
This was just brought home to me again when I started watching the new season of Castlevania. It's a pretty good show (probably better if you're not too invested in the games, and definitely better if you hate religion as much as Warren Ellis does). But as soon as that Netflix logo came up, I couldn't help thinking, "Why isn't this more Daredevil?"

THIS JUST IN INVESTIGATES: Are we actually in the same world anymore?

Following CBS's recent announcement of an upcoming animated Star Trek show from the writer of Rick & Morty, TJI's investigative team has begun a series of scientific experiments with the goal of determining once and for all whether WE'RE the crazy ones or whether this is simply no longer the same universe we know. "We started working on this when all those Kurtzman projects were announced in June," says lead investigator Dale Garvitostein, "but now it's urgent." Full coverage will follow if the investigators survive. (One of the experiments involves kind of a lot of antimatter, so, uh, don't count on it.)

(This turned into Lower Decks, of course. I still think it was a weird, vaguely-wrong project from start to finish.)

THIS JUST IN: Paramount... uh... we don't actually know

Paramount Pictures has made another announcement, but we at This Just In have no idea what it is because it's not showing up in our news feed. This may or may not matter, depending on whether WE are showing up in YOUR news feed. Facebook isn't answering our questions, but in fairness, they may not have heard. In unrelated news, however, the carrier pigeon industry is booming.

(Seriously, if you're even seeing this, scroll down on the page and see if you missed any of the last few posts. And if you're not seeing this... uh... carry on.)

(I was venting a bit because the algorithm seemed to be screwing me. It probably was, but no worse than anyone else.)

THIS JUST IN: Chris Pine to be replaced with Chris Hems-- wait, really?

Following on their first aborted attempt, Paramount Pictures today announced a different replacement for actor Chris Pine, only to once again reverse course. "We at Paramount put our heads together and realized we had the perfect new Kirk right in our lap. After all, why wouldn't Jim look like his father? We look forward to a great future with Chris Hemswo-- what? Oh, he DIDN'T. Seriously? How did we not hear about that?" Paramount is once again seeking a new actor. Watch this space: we at TJI assume Chris Evans is next up, and he's even farther out of their price range, so that'll be a good time.

(The news had recently broken that Hemsworth wouldn't even be returning as George Kirk. It was a bit surprising -- not that he would make that decision, just that AbramsTrek 4 was still in the works at all. There'd been no news for a long time.)

THIS JUST IN: Chris Pine to be replaced with Chris Hardwi-- wait, crap, never mind

Following on actor Chris Pine's withdrawal from the upcoming next Star Trek film, Paramount Pictures announced that Chris Hardwick would take over the role of Captain Kirk, then reversed the announcement ten seconds in. "We at Paramount are sorry to part ways with Mr. Pine, but we look forward to a great future with the talented and much cheaper Mr. Chris Ha-- huh? They're saying what? Oh geez THIS ANNOUNCEMENT IS OVER YOU HEARD NOTHING." At press time, a rumour was circulating that Paramount is now considering setting the upcoming film much later in Kirk's life and casting Kevin Spacey.

(Hardwick had just been MeToo'd.)

THIS JUST IN: Michael Dorn doing just fine, thanks

Following on the recent announcement that Patrick Stewart will be reprising his role as Jean-Luc Picard in a new CBS All Access series, former Next Generation castmate Michael Dorn has announced that he is "Fine. Just fine. This doesn't bother me at all." Dorn, who had made headlines several times in recent years with his pitches for a 'Captain Worf' series, insisted that "I'm absolutely fine. Really, I'm happy for Patrick. This is great. Just... great." The bullet Dorn dodged by not having his series made by Alex Kurtzman could not be reached for comment.

(Thanks to DrWho42 sharing it on a bigger Trek group, this is the most successful TJItem to date.)

THIS JUST IN: Oh, Discovery is back, we guess

According to recent reports, the CBS All Access exclusive series Star Trek: Discovery is back from its midseason break or something. In fact, it's like two, maybe three episodes in. The new episodes presumably pick up from the pre-Christmas cliffhanger, unless they don't, and the mirror universe may or may not be involved. Also, the kind of fans who read The Mary Sue are mad about something, which we're sure is unusual somehow. So yeah, Discovery's back. We at This Just In are super excited, honest. Woo.

Followup comment:
UPDATE: Apparently it just ended or something. So it definitely WAS back before. We can mark that down in the "confirmed" column.

THIS JUST IN - McQuarrie expose reveals acute condition

A new, unauthorized biography of Ralph McQuarrie is set to reveal that the concept designer suffered from a lifelong sexual attraction to triangles. In "Three Sides to the Story", author Glen O'Jeel triangulates McQuarrie's fetish, from mere titillation in his early work to an obsession that reached its apex in his design work for "Star Trek: Planet of the Titans", for which all of his proposed new Enterprise designs had giant triangles crammed in the middle of the simple circles and lines of the ship. "It was time someone finally addressed this about McQuarrie," argues O'Jeel. "The higher the altitudes he reached, the baser his desires became. I mean, we've all seen what Star Destroyers look like. This isn't some big discovery."

[This TJI brought to you by the sentiment "Do I really have to make graphics with this hideous ship in them?"]

THIS JUST IN: 2016's murder spree ends in suicide

After killing dozens of beloved celebrities over a twelve-month period, the year 2016 took its own life at 12 AM this Sunday. "It was on its last legs anyway," stated Max Walker, leader of a team sent by the Time Enforcement Commission to take the murderous year into custody. "It was already more than 2016.99. We had it cornered, but in the end... it rounded itself up."

(You kinda had to be there. 2016 had something like twice the usual number of celebrity deaths, and everybody seemed to be hit hard by at least a couple of them.)

THIS JUST IN: Kirk, Spock arrive at RNC too late

Approximately five minutes after the official nomination of Donald Trump as the Republican Party's candidate for president, U. S. S. Enterprise crewmen Kirk and Spock suddenly appeared on stage and attempted to tackle the businessman, only to find out they were too late. "Apparently our slingshot course was slightly inaccurate," said Mr. Spock from underneath a pile of Secret Service agents. According to Captain Kirk, while most Starfleet time-travel missions involve preventing or reversing a change made to history by hostile forces, this was not one of those missions. "Sometimes Starfleet just wants to change something really silly that happened. You should've seen the 1960s *before* we got to them." As the officers were preparing to leave, a British police box began to appear, only to disappear again when Kirk waved it off.

(look I really thought he had no chance in the election okay)

TJI: EDITOR'S NOTE

Everyone involved with the previous "article" has been fired. Some have been fired twice. Bunch of slackers. We would fire their families if we could.

As for "Trexit", we're still going to use that. Just act surprised.

THIS JUST IN:

Actually, we're not going to do an article for this one. We're just going to say the punchline is "Trexit". If you've been following this week's news, you'll get it, and the buildup would be boring to write. Don't like it, editors? Give us a raise.

THIS JUST IN: Britain to decide worse portmanteau

Today the United Kingdom will conduct a national referendum to decide which term sounds stupider: "Brexit" or "Bremain". "They're both rubbish," said Prime Minister David Cameron, "but it's vital to our future to determine which one's worse." Several aspects of the referendum remain unclear, such as whether a vote for a given portmanteau indicates preference for or against it, what the results will actually mean, and whether it matters that "Grexit" is worse than both. Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, in keeping with the long royal tradition of political neutrality, issued an impartial statement: "Regardless of who triumphs today, let us remember that we have all triumphed over the English language."

THIS JUST IN: Garland to knock us all down

Immediately after being nominated to the Supreme Court by President Obama, DC Circuit Court Chief Judge Merrick Garland called a press conference in which he solemnly announced, "I, Garland, will knock you all down!" Garland declined to clarify whom he intended to knock down, but was heard mumbling about kidnapping a princess on his way off the stage. In response, Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) has begun a search for four conservative Senators he terms "Right Warriors" to take the lead against the nomination. "Obama wants Garland to cause chaos -- that's his fantasy," said McConnell. "But we'll make sure it's his final one."

(This was a very specific Final Fantasy 1 joke.)

THIS JUST IN: Super Bowl gets new title

The NFL has announced that tonight's Super Bowl game will be entitled "Super Bowl Ferocity". A spokesman explained, "We had to drop the Roman numerals -- they made us look too old. We're going to use subtitles from now on to be young and hip. Well, I say 'from now on', but history suggests that we'll probably go another three or four and then reboot the whole thing." Asked about the choice of title, the spokesman said, "Just an obvious common theme. We've been hearing claims that broncos aren't actually ferocious, but we think the GROUND would disagree."

(Star Trek did this starting with Generations and it's always bugged me.)

THIS JUST IN: Fox announces X-Files schedule, unteachability

The Fox network has made a two-part announcement: first, that their upcoming six-episode X-Files miniseries will not be shown in shooting order; and second, that they have "learned absolutely nothing", apparently referring to the long history of networks confusing viewers by airing shows out of sequence. "You'd think we in particular would have learned this after a decade of nerd rage over Firefly," continued the announcement, "but nope!" According to a Fox insider who asked not to be identified and will therefore be called Deep Throat, "You can't really blame them. It's subliminal. The Fox building has a Coke machine that's been broken since 1975, and there's this huge OUT OF ORDER sign on it."

THIS JUST IN: Probe lands on, like, biggest comet ever

After eleven years in flight, the probe Jacquemetton 2 has successfully landed on what NASA's scientists are calling "not just a big comet, but, like, the biggest comet ever." Concerns about dangerous alkaline substances on the comet's surface have proved groundless. NASA is busily analyzing the wealth of data sent back by the probe; so far the most surprising find has been a configuration of spheres that oddly resembles a snowman. "We're not sure how it happened yet," said the project leader, "but one thing's for sure: it's a great conversation starter. Next time we're at a party, we'll have no trouble breaking the ice."

(Newer readers, here's your context.)

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