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Five-Minute "A Heart For Falsehood Framed"

by Zeke

Andromeda: Stupid Pierpoint Drift. Remind me again why we have to be here?
Dylan: The script called for a "wretched hive of scum and villainy", and the Magog worldship wasn't returning our calls.
Andromeda: Well, this had better not take long. I don't want to be seen at a station whose population is 80% criminals.
Dylan: You know, that's actually a slightly lower percentage than we have on the crew.
Andromeda: Shush.

Beka: Hey, that guy just stole my ID! I'd better chase after him and then get tripped by a handsome security guard type.
Harper: That's why I like spending time with you, Beka: you remind me that even Dylan's grasp of logic could be worse.

Leydon: Let me refresh you on the rules, missy. Theft is legal here. Hitting me isn't. Hitting on me is, but only if you're you.
Beka: Hey, I'm me. That works out nicely.
Harper: Stealing is legal here, eh? How innnnnnnteresting.
Beka: Give it back, Harper.
Harper: Aw.

Dylan: Let the negotiations begin!
Clarion of Loss: You have to give us back the Hegemon's Heart, Miskich.
Doge Miskich: Do not.
Clarion of Loss: Do so.
Doge Miskich: Do not.
Clarion of Loss: Dumb-head.
Doge Miskich: I know you are, but what am I?
Dylan: Let the negotiations improve!

Beka: I know a way for us to have some fun. Let's steal the Heart and give it to the Than.
Harper: Isn't our character development supposed to move us away from thievery?
Trance: And wouldn't that make Dylan's negotiations pointless?
Beka: What did you two think I meant by "fun"?

Leydon: Hello again. I see your friends are elsewhere.
Beka: Um... yes, of course they are. Would you like to go on a distrac-- er, date?
Leydon: Sure.
Beka: Great. I'll pick you up so you don't notice the theft I MEAN I'll pick you up at nine.

Tyr: Nice dress. I'm surprised you didn't run out of paint.
Beka: Buzz off. Can't you see I'm about to enter an ambiguous relationship full of manipulation and deceit?
Tyr: What's wrong with the one we have?

Leydon: You look great. Can we kiss now or do I have to say that some more?
Beka: Have you ever seen Batman and Robin?
Leydon: No.
Beka: How about the Voyager episode "In the Flesh"?
Leydon: Nope.
Beka: Then yes, we can kiss now.
Leydon: Feels rubbery.
Beka: That's normal.

Tyr: I'm here to buy something from you, but I'll settle for beating you up.
Beetle: Sorry, that item is out of stock. I get a lot of requests for it.

Harper: (over the comm) Okay, you're in. Go steal the Heart.
Trance: Through overwhelming cuteness?
Harper: For the last time, no!

Tyr: I'll go kill all the delegates.
Dylan: Heheheheh... thanks, but no.
Tyr: I do not remember asking for your permission, Hunt.
Dylan: Whatever. Just get on with your subplot, okay? We're running a few minutes short this week.

Harper: Woo hoo! We got the Heart! Go us!
Dylan: Put it back. Stealing is wrong.
Trance: What? It is NOT!
Dylan: Okay, but Miskich has to give it back now. He lost the "debate."
Harper: Clarion of Loss got in the last "Is not," eh?
Dylan: Hm. Besides, I don't think your fake will fool him.
Harper: Are you sure? It was a good fake.
Dylan: It was a cardboard valentine!
Harper: A good one, though.

Beka: Isn't it about time someone mentioned Rev Bem?
Dylan: Nah. We need practice for later in the season anyway.
Beka: Well, whatever. Bad news, guys: the Heart you stole is fake too.
Trance: But it looks so real!
Beka: Yeah, but feel it. It's not beating.
Tyr: Beating! Thanks for reminding me. I was going to do some of that.

Leydon: Shall we get our fornication on?
Beka: Wellll... how much time have we spent together now?
Leydon: About two hours.
Beka: Oh, okay then. If it had been one, that might have been too soon.

Leydon: Trying to find the Heart in my clothes, are we?
Beka: What? I was just stealing your wall-- you're right, that's what I was doing. Yes.
Leydon: Well, it doesn't matter. I know you stole the Heart, and the penalty is death.
Beka: You just shot your wallet.
Leydon: Well, dammit.

Tyr: So you're the one who has the real Heart, little man?
Leydon: Yep. You can have it for one hojillion Commonwealth dollars.
Tyr: The Commonwealth doesn't use dollars. And there is no more Commonwealth. And you made up the word "hojillion."
Leydon: Then you'd better just fight with Security and leave, wise guy.

Beka: Pulling the old hide-the-spoils-in-a-man-eating-plant trick, eh?
Leydon: Actually, the plant stole it and I'm stealing it from the plant.
Man-Eating Plant: Give it back, you son of a blatch!
Leydon: Make me. Beka, how 'bout putting down the gun? We can make some evil plans.
Beka: Oh, all right. Meet me on the Maru when the pain fades.
Leydon: What pa-- OWWWWWWW! You shot my wallet again!
Beka: Um, yes, that's what I was aiming for. Right.

Leydon: So that's my idea, more or less.
Beka: Let me see if I got all that. You want us to get married, spend the next 20 years stealing everything that's not bolted to the floor, and then sell it all for "thirteen hojillion dollars" and buy our own planet?
Leydon: Don't forget the koalas.
Tyr: You're going to drag koalas into this? You monster!
Beka: Go away, Tyr. But thanks for the distraction which allowed me to switch Leydon's Heart with the fake one.
Tyr: And thank you for the opportunity to help destroy him. Stupid sleaze thinks he can cut in on my action....

Beka: Now to make sure this is the real Heart.
The Hegemon's Heart: Don't you trust me?
Beka: Well, not really....
The Hegemon's Heart: Here, have a treasure map.
Beka: Thanks! That'll make great lame-episode fuel later.

Leydon: It's all Beka's fault. She stole the Heart and -- oh, hi, Beka. We were just talking about you.
Beka: Don't make me shoot you in the wallet again. Now excuse me while I kiss Dylan.
Tyr: What? But but... no!
Dylan: Ahem. Well. Here, Clarion, have the Hegemon's Heart, which Beka sure didn't palm to me a second ago.
Clarion of Loss: Thanks.
Tyr: NO! I can't believe this! This is -- ARRRGH!
Dylan: And somebody sedate him, please?

Beka: Sorry, Leydon. I shouldn't have betrayed you when you were considerate enough to betray me first.
Leydon: Why did you do it, Beka? We could have had it all! Danger, immorality, koalas....
Beka: I guess I just thought you might as well be Heartless in both ways.
Leydon: Well, goodbye, my love. Hope I see you again someday.
Beka: Then I'd steer clear of that prehensile plant if I were you.
Leydon: (humming) If I only had a Heart....

Andromeda: I'd say this was a good episode for all and sundry. We reinforced several of this season's themes, such as "Dylan doing important negotiation stuff" and "Beka getting it on with people who aren't Tyr."
Dylan: Don't forget "Rev Bem? Who's that?"
Andromeda: Yep. And this one was so romantic, too. Makes you want to lean over and kiss whoever's standing next to....
Dylan: No.
Andromeda: Aw.
(Andromeda slipstreams off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on September 12, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Tribune Entertainment. I don't think Gene would mind what I do in his larger universe, so he probably wouldn't mind this either.

All material © 2002, Zeke.