Five-Minute "Comes the Inquisitor"
by Nan and Sa'ar Chasm

G'Kar: The Narn were only the beginning! The Centauri will come for you all! Woe! Woe!
Passersby: We don't believe any of your prophetic rantings.
G'Kar: But the Centauri have already annexed several planets!
Passerby: I deny that.
G'Kar: You'd deny the sun came up if I said it!
Passerby: I deny that, too.
G'Kar: Woe betide ye, Agamemnon, for there is danger in Greece!

Kosh: I have a present for you.
Delenn: Does it have a pretty wrapper?
Kosh: Close.
Delenn: Well, what is it then?
Kosh: To many questions. I did not expect a Spanish inquisition.
Delenn: NOOOOObody expects the Span--
Kosh: You will.
Delenn: Bugger.

Sheridan: Wait, let me see if I've got this right: you want me to expedite this guy through customs, but you can't tell me who he is, when he'll get here, or what he looks like?
Delenn: That's about the speed of it, yes.
Sheridan: If you weren't so cute I wouldn't authorize this.
Delenn: Kosh needs him to make sure I'm cool enough for this whole "Army of Light" thing. Pretty please?
Sheridan: Cute accent weakening resolve... brains going dribbly....
Delenn: Thanks, you're a dear.

Chase: Weapons? You want weapons, I got weapons. I, uh, I might have to ship the insides later, though. After I've been paid, of course.
G'Kar: Mr. Chase, I am not a violent man, though I am often the cause of violence to others. Don't make me set the Narn Bat Squad on you.
Chase: Ulp!

Sebastian: I believe I was expected.
Sheridan: Who are you? Where do you come from? What are the Vorlons like?
Sebastian: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
Sheridan: Nooooobody expects the murgle mrph!
Sebastian: (removing cane from Sheridan's mouth) I believe that's my line.

Garibaldi: I know you're smuggling weapons. Don't lie to me. I'm on to you.
G'Kar: I didn't expect the Spanish inquisition.
Garibaldi: Noooobody expects--
G'Kar: I give up! I am smuggling weapons.
Garibaldi: As a reward for your honesty, I will help you smuggle those weapons through another station.
G'Kar: Huh?
Garibaldi: Hey, it's not in my jurisdiction.
G'Kar: Ah, corruption.

Sebastian: What is your name?
Delenn: Delenn.
Sebastian: What is your quest?
Delenn: I am on a holy mission to--
Sebastian: Yes, yes, yes. What is your favourite colour?
Delenn: Blue.
Sebastian: This won't do at all. Put on the bangles. Now we begin the lightning round.
Delenn: What's the lightning round?
Sebastian: If you answer a question wrong, I do this. (ZAP!) And if you take the bangles off, you'll burn forever in an eternal flame like the worm you are.
Delenn: Somebody needs a nap.

Vir: Er, hello.
G'Kar: (stares)
Vir: Please don't stare at me. Your eyes are really creepy.
G'Kar: (stares)
Vir: Centauri suck. We really suck. We suck profoundly. We suck like vacuum. Wesuckwesuckwesuckpleasestopstaring.
G'Kar: (stares)
Vir: I'm sorry for our suckitude.
G'Kar: (slices hand) These droplets of blood are a visual metaphor for the countless Narn killed by the Centauri. How do you apologize to those visual metaphors?
Vir: I can't apologize to visual metaph--
G'Kar: Then bite me.

Sebastian: What is your name?
Delenn: Del--
Sebastian: (ZAP!) Wrong. You will refer to yourself as Squeekybobo. What is your quest?
Delenn: I am on a holy mission to--
Sebastian: (ZAP!) Wrong. You seek the Holey Sock. What is the capital of Assyria?
Delenn: I don't know.
Sebastian: (ZAP!)

First Narn: What kind of leader are you? I demand fresh take-out spoo from Narn.
G'Kar: All I can manage is dehydrated prepackaged instamix spoo.
Second Narn: I deny that.
First Narn: Bleah! This is horrible.
G'Kar: No, it's delicious.
Second Narn: I demurgle mrph.
First Narn: Hey, what do you know? This spoo is good for something after all.

Sebastian: Tell me, Squeekybobo, have you ever been inquisited before?
Delenn: No, I haven't.
Sebastian: You should find it exquisite, then.
Delenn: That was horrible. Give me that cane. (ZAP!)

G'Kar: I need you to send an untried Ranger on a dangerous personal errand for me so I can maintain my hold on power.
Sheridan: You want to get a message to and from a recently-bombed war zone? Why not ask ISN -- there are more reporters there than soldiers.
G'Kar: Between the censorship and the bias, I'm not sure it would make it through in one piece.

Lennier: Delenn!
Delenn: You must leave! You're in danger here.
Lennier: Let me help you. I can bring you the Comfy Chair.
Delenn: No, you mustn't. Run, Lennier!
Lennier: Not even the Soft Pillows?
Delenn: Run away, Lennier.
Lennier: How will that help?

Lennier: Sheridan, you have to save Delenn! I think Sebastian's killing her!
Sheridan: You mean her cute accent isn't making his brains go all dribbly?
Lennier: Strangely enough, no.
Sheridan: That rat bastard!

Sheridan: Unhand her, you fiend!
Sebastian: How dare you call me a fiend, you cad!
Sheridan: Well, you are repeatedly electrocuting her....
Sebastian: I'm more of a knave than a fiend. Your turn! (ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!)
Sheridan: Ow, ow, ow!
Delenn: Stop! Interrogate me, not him.
Sebastian: Very well. What is the average wingspeed of an unladen swallow?
Delenn: African or European?
Sebastian: I don't know that... oh, bugger. (ZAP!)

Sebastian: Congratulations. You've passed. I put you through torment, but you're the right people in the right place at the right time.
Delenn: I didn't expect it to be such an Inquisition.
Sebastian: NOOOOOObody expecmurgle mrph.
Delenn: We're all familiar with that running joke by now.

Sheridan: Susan, can you look up someone from 19-century London in our database, based on sketchy information?
Ivanova: Sure.
Sheridan: Really? Whenever I try to look something up, all I get is ads and porn. How long will it take?
Ivanova: Done.
Sheridan: I pity those poor schmoes who tried this before the invention of the petahertz processor.

First Narn: I don't believe it. Fresh spoo from Narn.
Second Narn: I honestly love spoo.
Third Narn: I can't take my eyes off spoo.
First Narn: Spoo makes me feel like a natural woman.
Second Narn: Anyway -- G'Kar, you are now our leader.
G'Kar: I deny that... just kidding.

Sheridan: So what will you do now, you smarmy git?
Sebastian: Go home. Feel free to drop in anytime if you're in the neighbourhood. Be warned, though, that it's just a hole in the ground.
Sheridan: You strike me as someone with a burden.
Sebastian: No, I strike you with my cane. I work for the Vorlons; crypticity is part of the package.
Sheridan: Maybe they'll finally let you put that burden down.
Sebastian: That would be just ripping.
(The station spins at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 4, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2003, Nan the Mysterious Romulan and Steven Maguire.