Home Prev 5MDV: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "Battle at the Binary Stars"

by Zeke

Sarek: Captain, allow me to introduce my adopted child who I swear has always existed. I think you'll find she's very special.
Georgiou: Welcome aboa--
Burnham: *rolls eyes*
Sarek: Please don't kill her.

Connor: 24 Klingon ships just showed up!
Burnham: 24? Oh no! They must be planning to bake us in a pie!
Georgiou: Thank you for that wise observation. Security, toss her in the brig.
Burnham: What? But I'm spe--

Kol: (over the comm) <That prick T'Kuvma! Who is he to summon us from all across space?>
Voq: <But you came.>
Kol: <T-to insult him in PERSON! I wasn't bored or anything!>
Dennas: (over the comm) <I for one always enjoy hearing from the Empire's cranky old uncle. So where is he?>
Voq: <Lord T'Kuvma will address you when the time is right. (Will someone PLEASE tell him they're here?!)>
Klingon 1: <(We're trying! Dammit, we TOLD him this was a bad time to get stoned!)>

Connor: ...the Edison, and the Yeager. There, that's all ten ships that just arrived.
Georgiou: I actually didn't ask you to list them.
Connor: I have a few duties, Captain, and I do them well.
Georgiou: You listed the Yeager twice and you skipped the Kerala.
Connor: Let me have this.

Georgiou: Klingon leaders, we can still resolve this situation peacefully. I urge you to wait for our admiral, who will address any concerns you have.
Voq: <Didn't you tell us there was something especially infuriating they always say?>
T'Kuvma: <Wait for it...>
Georgiou: In fact, if you would like full Starfleet access, our rates are quite reasonable, beginning at $5.99 a month.
All Klingons: <ATTAAAAACK!>

Georgiou: Battle stations!
Connor: We're already at our --
Georgiou: No, I'm talking to them. Battle stations, I know you like to explode at times like this, so I am politely asking you not to. In exchange, I will have you polished later. Do we have a deal?
Saru: I don't think we have a deal.

Burnham: Tell me, computer! Come on!
Computer: Query not understood.
Connor: Ugh... help me, Doc...
Burnham: Connor! I can't get the computer to answer me. What's the score?
Connor: Huh?
Burnham: Of the battle. Who's ahea-- wait, you're having a medical emergency, aren't you?
Bulkhead: BOOM
Connor: AAAAAAA!
Computer: Query understood. Answer: yes. Nature: vacuum exposure.

Saru: The brig just exploded!
Georgiou: Oh no! Michael!
Saru: ...You're not much for holding grudges, are you, Captain?
Georgiou: I've quite honestly forgotten what she did.

Sarek: A child survived this giant fire! I can't believe it!
Young Burnham: What... happened...?
Sarek: The Holy Grail exploded. It's a long story.
Young Burnham: Mom... Dad...
Sarek: Oh, they melted. But not to worry. Anyone can tell you I'm an excellent parent.

Burnham: Haven't thought about that in a whi-- Sarek?!
Sarek: Ow....
Burnham: Amazing! My flashback drew us into a mental conversation!
Sarek: The pain... I think you bashed your head and *I'm* the one feeling it...
Burnham: Well? Aren't you going to give me a pep talk or something?
Sarek: Yes, yes, fine! You're the best, believe in yourself, whatever! Let me go now!

Admiral Anderson: (over the comm) Well, Shenzhou, I see you have the situation under control.
Saru: Ah! The ritual of un'droq ubat -- the Sarcasm Before Death! I haven't heard it since I left Kaminar!
Admiral Anderson: Relax, nobody's dying. I'm here now and I assure you I can hansen this mess.
Georgiou: You mean handle?
Admiral Anderson: Of course. What did I say?

T'Kuvma: A ceasefire? Sounds good. Lower your shields and I'll send an envoy.
Admiral Anderson: Excellent. I see the Klingons' reputation for honour is well-earned.
(Call ends)
T'Kuvma: <Lest anyone doubt that I am the worst Klingon ever.>

T'Kuvma's Ship: CRUNCH
Europa: BOOM
Saru: He drove right into the Europa!
Georgiou: The madman! Everyone knows you can't land there!

Dennas: (over the comm) <Somehow your actions have convinced us you are Kahless's true successor!>
Kol: (over the comm) <We are somehow your loyal followers now!>
T'Kuvma: <Do you have to keep saying "somehow"?>
Klingons: <T'Kuvma the Somehow Unforgettable!>
T'Kuvma: <Eh, I'll take it.>

Januzzi: He's hailing again.
T'Kuvma: Humans, you have now seen where reason gets you! We're mindless savages now! BLARRRRGH!
Saru: Boy, these guys have really gone into darkness since we last saw them.

Burnham: Computer, let me out before I die!
Computer: Permission denied.
Burnham: Don't make me activate your Trolley Problem subroutine.
Computer: ...You wouldn't.
Burnham: A possibly-dangerous prisoner is tied up on the track. If you flip the switch, she goes free, but --
Computer: This is going to jam my circuits for HOURS! Fine, go! I hope you freeze!

Brig: (launches Burnham, with her face taking up 93 percent of the screen)
Burnham: Can I speak to the director? I have an idea for how to improve this scene by about 7 percent.

Georgiou: The Klingons think we're helpless. This is our chance to strike!
Saru: Don't they think we're helpless because we are helpless?
Burnham: Not anymore! I'm back!
Georgiou: Saru, remind me, do we have any other brigs or just the one?

T'Kuvma: <We shall spare the remaining humans. But only to spread tales of our terror!>
Voq: <Our ship isn't doing so hot after driving it through another one, huh?>
T'Kuvma: <Nonsense. Now tractor in the corpses of our warriors. I'm feeling a draft.>

Burnham: Captain, if you kill T'Kuvma you'll make him a martyr! Send me to kill him!
Georgiou: You know, I think I'm going to forgive you just because you're clearly not in your right mind.
Burnham: So you'll send me, right?
Georgiou: (notices tractor beams) Aha! That may not be necessary.
Burnham: Oh good, you're looking at stuff now.

Georgiou: Haven't you got that warhead out yet, Saru? I knew someone once who could do it in 30 seconds.
Saru: Do we not have engineers on this ship? There! Energize!
(Warhead is beamed onto a corpse)
Klingon Ship: BOOOOOM
T'Kuvma: <Is it me, or did the draft just get worse?>

Georgiou: And now Michael and I will beam over and kidnap T'Kuvma!
Saru: Captain, may I suggest --
Transporter: WHOOSH
Januzzi: What were you going to suggest?
Saru: Sending literally anyone else on the entire ship!

Georgiou: We're here for you, T'Kuvma! Please raise your hand, we didn't get a great look before.
Voq: <Oh no! Starfleet sent two small women!>
Voq: <With decent guns, granted.>

Burnham: You can't beam me back yet! The captain's dead and I think I forgot to put my phaser on stun and --
Saru: (over the comm) First of all, the Shenzhou is apparently collapsing and we need to escape. I'm not sure why that wasn't mentioned earlier.
Burnham: And second?
Saru: If she's dead, I'm in command. Now we can freaking run!

Voq: <I can't believe you're dying! I was sure you were being set up for at least a season!>
T'Kuvma: <Carry on for me... and remember... Remain Klingon!>
(T'Kuvma dies)
Voq: <Well, at least that's an easy last wish to carry out. What else would I do?>

Judge: You are hereby given a life sentence. Want to make a statement, since that's apparently something we do in court-martials?
Burnham: I understand. My good intentions led to disaster. I must be punished, despite my good, good intentions.
Judge: The puppy-dog eyes aren't going to work.
Burnham: Aw, come on! This is too harsh! INJUSTICE! *storms out of room*
Judge: I mean, traditionally this is something you'd get executed for...

Narrator: And now, previews from the coming episodes! You'll have to pay for these ones, though.
Viewer: ...
Narrator: With money, not just hours of your life you'll never get back.
Viewer: Oh, okay. I was confused there.