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Five-Minute "The Vulcan Hello"

by Zeke

T'Kuvma: <Brothers, we have fallen from glory! And do you know whose fault it is? EVERYONE'S BUT OURS!>
Klingon 1: <(Can't hear a word he's saying. You?)>
Klingon 2: <(Same. We better just cheer.)>

Phaser: ZAP
Burnham: There, we've saved the Crepusculans from drought. But who will save them from their ridiculous name?
Georgiou: I could say something, but I don't think I will. Anyway, I believe you may be ready for comma--
Burnham: Oh no! Something's blocking the transporters! We're trapped forever!
Georgiou: Hmm, maybe you're not ready. Captains have to solve problems, and about 85% of the time it's this one.

First Officer's Log: See how we're playing my log here and not the captain's? I'm special that way.

Saru: So our probe is mysteriously damaged, and there's a mysterious radioactive thing nearby. If you need me I'll be in the corner screaming "trap".
Georgiou: Probably, but we still have to check. Can't get a shuttle in there, though...
Burnham: Send me! I can do it!
Saru: Are you crazy? Even our best spacesuit would only protect you for --
Georgiou: A spacesuit! See, you two are a great team. That's just what Michael's idea needed to become practical.
Burnham: Okay, but I feel like it'll just slow me down.

Burnham: (over the comm) Now exiting comm range. Wish me luck, Shenzhou.
Connor: If she doesn't make it, dibs on her stuff.
Georgiou: You know full well Starfleet didn't sign the International Dibs Protocol, Ensign. Don't worry, I'll let you have a mug or something.

Burnham: This structure is remarkable, but so far there are no signs of li--
Burnham: Uh...
Klingon: KRABAA-- (falls on sword)
Burnham: Uh...

Connor: She's back, but her lifesigns are fading! And all I'm getting from her comms is this "uh" sound.
Georgiou: Beam her back!
Saru: The transporters still can't penetra--
Georgiou: Yes, yes, right. (sigh) I swear, 85 percent.

T'Kuvma: <Our comrade Rejac has fallen in a several-second battle with a human he took by surprise! There is no more worthy death! Let us honour his sacrifice!>
Klingon 1: <(Dibs on his stuff.)>
Klingon 2: <(Di-- dammit!)>

Young Burnham: Arrrrgh!
Sarek: You will never succeed in the testing computer unless you control your emotions.
Young Burnham: But the other kids called Mom a who--
Sarek: And I know it's hard, but stop confusing yourself with Spock.

Nambue: Hey, you can't get up yet! Your DNA is unraveling as we speak! You need more antiproton treatment!
Burnham: I'll be fine! I'm special! *runs out*
Nambue: Medical Log: results inconclusive. Patient didn't stay, but I don't think she knew I was making stuff up.

Burnham: It's Klingons!
Georgiou: Shouldn't you be in bed? Nambue said you had severe HP drain.
Burnham: This is urgent! I was attacked by a Klingon! It was a pitched battle, but I won! They'll be coming for us next!
(long pause)
Burnham: Well?
Georgiou: I'm waiting for the part you couldn't tell me over the comm.

Saru: So how do we find these supposed Klingons that you're probably making up?
Burnham: Target all weapons at the beacon!
(Klingon ship decloaks)
Georgiou: Good thinki--
Burnham: Now fire! ...What? I'm frustrated.

Georgiou: ...of the starship Shenzhou. Please call back at your earliest convenience.
T'Kuvma: <Ha! Those Federation fools! We are Klingons! Nothing we do is convenient!>
Voq: <Can I light the beacon, T'Kuvma? Can I? Can I? Can I?>
T'Kuvma: <...This is awkward. You're a creepy genetic freak. We didn't say anything because you weren't making waves, but...>
Voq: <It's just white skin! I can tan! Watch!> (sticks arm in flame) <--YEEEARGH!>
T'Kuvma: <I do like the enthusiasm, though.>

Saru: That Klingon ship is encased in corpses. Encased in corpses. Who does that?!
Burnham: Calm down, Saru.
Saru: YOU calm down! I can feel disaster coming! Imminent death is right behind me!
Burnham: I'll talk to the captain. Remind me, which way's the ready room?
Saru: Right behind me.

Admiral Anderson: Our fleet is on its way. With any luck, the Klingons just want to talk.
Georgiou: In their giant invisible death ship?
Burnham: After one of them tried to kill me?
Anderson: We just met and I can already relate. Besides, they haven't done anything SINCE then, right?
Saru: (over the comm) Bridge to the captain! That ship is doing something!
Georgiou: Hold that thought.

Saru: They blasted a lot of light and sound at us. We've tinted the windows accordingly.
Georgiou: What about the sou-- oh, right. Space.
Saru: Yes, it's nice to know they haven't gotten smarter this past century. Can we please run, though?
Burnham: Never! We're Starfleet! We can't abandon our duty! Back in a minute.
Saru: Hey! She just --
Georgiou: Relax, Saru, she's special.

Burnham: And that's the situation. What should I do?
Sarek: You should start by thinking back to when you were young. Remember the warning I gave you?
Burnham: To control my emotions?
Sarek: To never call me unannounced like this. Spock could have been nearby, and that's a continuity headache I do NOT need.
Burnham: This is no time to worry about co-- wait! That's it! *runs out*
Sarek: Somehow I feel a whole different headache coming on...

Georgiou: Welcome ba--
Burnham: We have to blow them up!
Georgiou: Uh... let's talk in my ready room. Saru, you're authorized to do anything but run away. (they exit)
Connor: Your orders, sir?
Saru: Ru-- I mean, ru-- no, ru-- I'll be frank, Ensign, this may take me a while.

Burnham: Sarek made me realize what's going on here. Captain, it's a matter of continuity.
Georgiou: How can you possibly have talked with -- no, never mind, you're special. Go on.
Burnham: Remember the Broken Bow incident? How everything turned out fine even though first contact with the Klingons was supposed to be disastrous? The universe is fixing that now!
Georgiou: ...What?
Burnham: This whole situation is clearly set up to be that disaster! If we fire first we'll at least have a chance!
Georgiou: That is the absolute worst argument for a first strike ever. I'm going back to -- oof.
Burnham: I'm sorry, Captain. I'm just... (tearing up) I'm not wrong about things.

Saru: Where's Ca--
Burnham: Haven't thought of an excuse yet. Think of something plausible and believe it. Then fire all weapons!
Georgiou: Not so fast!
Burnham: Wha--? How did you recover from a neck pinch so fast?
Georgiou: I barely felt a thing! Looks like you didn't notice all this gold piping on the shoulder of my uniform!
Burnham: But at this point we should be wearing -- (looks down) Dammit. Live by continuity, die by continuity.

Georgiou: And now we can resume our peaceful standoff without any needless escalation.
Dozens of Klingon Ships: (APPEAR)
Georgiou: Yes, the situation is tense, but we will get through it.
Saru: ...Um.
Georgiou: The values of Starfleet will see us through!
Connor: You should really turn around to face the viewscreen, Captain.