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Five-Minute "Context is For Kings"

by Zeke

Prisoner 1: Hey! You're that mutineer who started the war!
Burnham: Actua-- no, never mind. Too much of that is accurate for me to complain about the rest.
Pilot: Alien attack! We're gonna die!
Burnham: Can't complain about that either. It's the least I dese--
Discovery: *saves them*
Burnham: Do you mind? I was speaking.

Landry: Welcome aboard, criminal scum. Guess we'll have to waste some space on you.
Burnham: You're not being very Roddenberrian.
Landry: It's pre-TNG, I'm allowed. Now come this way and ignore anything suspicious about this ship or I'm feeding you to the other prisoners.
Burnham: What if they notice suspicious stuff?
Landry: Ever heard of a feeding frenzy?

Prisoner 1: (to Prisoner 2) You thinking what I'm thinking?
Prisoner 2: Murder attempt in broad daylight?
Prisoner 1: Murder attempt in broad daylight!
(One murder attempt later)
Burnham: See, this is why you guys got caught. I at least closed the ready room door.

Lorca: Welcome aboard. Don't mind the dim lights in here, my eyes are sensitive.
Burnham: I know a director you wouldn't like.
Lorca: Now that you've wound up here under not at all suspicious circumstances, you'll be helping us out.
Burnham: I'd rather just brood. In fact, can I borrow this room?
Lorca: Don't you feel any guilt about causing the war?
Burnham: That's not what -- no, forget it. What do you want me to do?
Lorca: Eh, I'm sure my engineer can use you. I hear you're a specialist or something.

Tilly: Oo, a new roommate! Hi, I'm extremely quirky and neurotic and chatty and kind of a moe waifu type.
Burnham: That sounds like fun for about a week.
Tilly: Yeah, that's how long the other roommates lasted. But you can't complain because you started the war!
Burnham: Oh, come on! Why did we even film a pilot if no one was going to watch it?

Computer: Black alert.
Tilly: Nobody knows what that's about yet. I think it's just the captain being edgy.
(Rain appears, hovers in midair, and disappears)
Tilly: See? Try to describe that without writing a Simple Plan song.

Saru: So, uh... hi. This is awkward.
Burnham: I'm truly sorry for what I did, Saru. By the way, what do you remember me doing?
Saru: Every possible bad thing except starting the war.
Burnham: THANK you! I was starting to think I was the crazy one!

Ensign: Hey! Wrong lab. This one is restricted.
Burnham: With a breathalyzer?
Ensign: There's sensitive stuff in here. The last thing we need is someone walking in with COVID-256.

Burnham: Hi, I'm --
Stamets: Do these calculations and shut up.
Burnham: You know, I'm getting a little tired of this treatme--
Stamets: (to Tilly) Do these calculations and shut up.
Burnham: Oh, that's okay then.

Straal: (over the holo-comm) We're doing so much better than you. Our drive has higher resolution, crisper sound...
Stamets: Ours is cheaper and we're partnered with Disney. You'll never win.
Straal: Man, I wish we'd just patented this holo-comm technology instead.
Stamets: Ugh, if only we could stuff that genie back in the bottle. It's so universal now, there'll probably never be another Starfleet ship without it.

Tilly: Zzzzzzzzzz...
Burnham: (stealing some of her drool) No, this isn't made up for the fiver, it's a real thing I do in the actual episode.

Computer: Cadet Tilly recognized. Though just between you and me, I can tell you're not her.
Burnham: Oh. Uh...
Computer: Don't worry, I'll let you in anyway. If Lorca wants to use a nigh-omniscient Star Trek ship computer as a glorified fingerprint scanner, why should I volunteer to go beyond?

Lorca: So, bad news. Everyone on your friend Straal's ship is dead.
Stamets: Dammit, I told him pushing the framerate to 400 was too much!
Lorca: I'm sending you to investigate. Take Burnham, she's bound to be useful. After all, you considered her an outstanding officer before the mutiny, right, Saru?
Saru: ...Are you serious?
Lorca: Yes, why?
Saru: Because lots of people considered the Hindenburg an outstanding blimp before it blew up!

Tilly: Thanks for choosing me for the mission! Why, though?
Stamets: For some reason it's a hundred-year Starfleet tradition on missions like this to bring the crewman who's most likely to scream.
Burnham: I'm still confused about the work you had us doing. Why are engineers doing biology?
Stamets: Ha! You think science is neatly divided up? Biology and chemistry and physics all differ only in scale. I do physics as biology.
Burnham: ...Sir, I don't want to push, but you're leading this dangerous mission and so I have to be sure. You know that's nonsense, right?
Stamets: And we're off!

Landry: Look at all this damage... and there are Klingon bodies too!
Burnham: (quietly) He knows, right? He knows what he said was meaningless gibberish? It's a test or something, right?
Tilly: This Klingon's alive! Stay back!
Klingon: (makes some gestures, then gets suddenly dragged away)
Stamets: Ouch, Quarantine-trailered. Could anyone tell what those charades meant?
Landry: Something about... letting sleeping dogs lie?

Tardigrade: RAAAAAAR
Stamets: Run! Get to Engineering! And whatever you do, don't say that thing's name!

Tilly: *wince* I'm sorry, sir. I think this is your boyfriend's corpse.
Stamets: Huh? He wasn't my boyfriend. Just a good friend.
Tilly: Oh, my mistake! The way this was all playing out, I thought for sure you were that gay main character there was so much press about.
Stamets: (stares)
Tilly: What?

Burnham: I have a plan for how to stop this monster. You all escape, I'll lead it away. I just need one thing.
Stamets: Great! What is it?
Burnham: Tell me you know what you said was nonsense. Like, freshman-trying-to-sound-smart-level nonsense. Absolute and utter --
Stamets: Oh, fine! It was just something I heard Neil DeGrasse Tyson say once. Do your plan!

Burnham: Get the shuttle in position... now!
Tardigrade: RAAAAAAR
Burnham: *drops through a hatch into the shuttle*
Tilly: Wow! That was like something out of the Abrams movies.
Burnham: I know, right? Just don't tell the captain.

Saru: On your way, eh? Well, thank you for the assistance you provided us.
Burnham: I'll miss you too, Saru. If only circumstances hadn't come between --
Saru: Please stop. I'm just being polite until you leave.

Lorca: I hear you're planning to resume brooding full-time. What if I offer you a job?
Burnham: Nah, brooding works. There's this Klingon monastery I might go to. Though now might not be the best time...
Lorca: Allow me to change your mind by showing off the spore drive for you. In a way that makes no sense and will never be seen again.
Burnham: Wow! ...Wait, is that playing fair with the audience?
Lorca: Around here we're big on scenes that are sort of metaphorical, not literal. We're working on one with a mirror that'll blow the viewers' minds.
Burnham: And then let them down?
Lorca: But first blow their minds!

Tilly: Oh! You're staying. That's... good.
Burnham: Didn't you want friends?
Tilly: No offense, but I've been getting this Mean Girls vibe from you. I feel like if you stay, you'll do things like getting promoted over me, stealing guys I'm attracted to...
Burnham: I would never do those things.
Tilly: Then stop writing them down.

Lorca: Truly a tragedy. Of course, we got our own monster out of it...
Landry: Mmmm. Your moral complexity is soooo edgy, sir.
Lorca: Yep, I'm a pretty fascinating character. Be a shame if something were to just completely yank the rug out from under that.
Landry: Edgy and ominous! Even hotter. So what now?
Lorca: Don't worry, I'll let you know. I have a simple plan.