Five-Minute "Aliens of London"
by Scooter

Rose: Hi Mum.
Jackie: My god, Rose! Where have you been?
Rose: Relax, I just stayed over at a friend's last night. We were watching DVDs.
Jackie: Last night? It's been twelve months!
Rose: Oh. Well, um, it's those darn commentary tracks, you know. Peter Jackson just will not shut up.

Doctor: Hello. Sorry I borrowed your daughter for what seemed to you like a year.
Jackie: Fine. All right if I scream shrilly at you for what seems to you like a year?
Doctor: Seems fair.

Jackie: I demand an explanation.
Rose: I've been traveling as the Doctor's compan-- er, let's say "assistant," that sounds less like he's bonking me.
Jackie: Traveling? You left your passport!
Rose: As if that mattered. It's London, Cardiff, or nothing with this guy. I'd see more of the world watching Food Network.

Rose: Mum would never understand. I'm the only person on Earth who knows that aliens are out there.
Doctor: For the next ten seconds, anyway.
Rose: What?
Spaceship: WHOOSH!

Spaceship: Coming through!
Big Ben: Watch out -- OW! That hurt!
Tower Bridge: Get away, you maniac!
River Thames: (splash) Hey, get out! Blecch, you taste like socks.
Spaceship: Dang it, I'm coming apart. Anybody seen an octagonal key?

Doctor: We can't get near the crash site.
Rose: We're going to have to watch it on the news, then. Any reception in the Tardis?
Doctor: Yes, but my 80-inch Gallifreyan plasma screen emits a band of electromagnatic radiation only Time Lords can see.
Rose: Can't just say "no," can you?

Reporter: I'm standing by the UFO crash site, and guess what, losers -- you aren't!
Doctor: Grr.
Reporter: Anyway, flights are canceled, the world is on red alert, yadda yadda -- wait -- wait -- right, we take you now to Santa Barbara, California, where Michael Jackson has just denied any prior contact with the aliens....
Young Boy: This is boring. I wanna watch Ant & Dec.
Doctor: Right little traitor you are.

General Asquith: So, this is the alien from the spaceship.
Dr. Sato: Yes. Sure looks exactly like a pig in a spacesuit, doesn't it?
Asquith: I'm not surprised. I always knew they were up to something.

Indra Ganesh: We can't find the Prime Minister. Who should we make Acting PM?
Joseph Green, MP: I say it should be someone fat, inexperienced, and flatulent.
Ganesh: What, like you?
Green: I accept.

Harriet Jones, MP: Can I see the PM now, please?
Ganesh: We're a bit busy. Sit here a while longer.
Jones: I've been sitting here for six years.

Rose: Hi, Aunt Gennifer. Put the lasagna in the kitchen with the others.
Doctor: See you.
Rose: Where are you going? I thought you loved humanity!
Doctor: Humanity, sure. Individual humans? I'd rather rip my ears off.

Jones: There you are, Acting Prime Minister. I'm that worst of political scourges: a backbencher with a long-winded plan. Want to hear it?
Green: Madam, I have a country to run into the ground.
Ganesh: Wow, he's already picking up the lingo.

Doctor: Sneaking, sneaking, la la la...
Lots of Soldiers: Hi.
Doctor: Oops! Bye now.
Sato: Help! The alien pig is getting away!
Doctor: I resent that!

Jones: Sneaking, sneaking, la la la... Ooo, Emergency Protocols!

Pig Alien: Squeaking, squeaking, la la la...
Soldier: That'll do, pig! Somebody get me some mint sauce! (BANG)
Pig Alien: Squeeee -- GAK!
Doctor: It was scared, you didn't have to kill it! And mint sauce is for lamb, you moron.
Soldier: I knew that.

Sato: It really is a simple terrestrial pig.
Doctor: Some pig. There's an alien remote control attached to its brain. A kind of auto-brain.
Sato: Brain and brain! What is brain?

Asquith: You suck. I'm taking over.
Green: You're getting under my skin, general. Pardon me while I remove it.
Jones: (hiding in cupboard) The PM is a bug-eyed monster! Well, that should make Question Time more interesting.

Rose: Hi Mickey. Sorry I didn't call.
Mickey: That's fine, I've just been sitting in my flat quietly obsessing about you. And fending off the cops, who think I killed you and hid the body.
Rose: Well, no harm done then.
Mickey: By the way, your new boyfriend's gone. Look!
Empty Spot: The TARDIS isn't here at the moment. Please leave a message at the Classic Doctor Who Dematerialization Sound Effect.
Rose: He's not gone. Look!
TARDIS: Hi, I'm back.
Jackie: Aaieee!
Rose: All right, who let my Mum out?

Jackie: He's an alien! The Doctor! He travels in a big blue box!
QVC Operator: Ma'am, we don't have anything like that. Are you trying to reach the Alien Helpline?
Jackie: Sorry, must have hit speed dial.

Doctor: Turns out the spaceship is a fake.
Rose: How do you know?
Doctor: The pig still had the sales slip from Ikea. It's actually a coffee table cunningly modified for low-orbit space travel.
Rose: Ooo, I always wanted one of those.

Ganesh: Someone called the Helpline and mentioned the Doctor. Our records say he's a brilliant alien expert.
Green: Have him brought to my lair with the others. Did I say "lair"? I meant "office."

Soldier #1: Psst -- we're supposed to bring the brilliant alien expert to Whitehall. Which one do you think it is, the girl or the man?
Doctor: Let's go, Rose. Remember, if you see any pigs wearing space suits, don't order mint sauce.
Soldier #2: I'm guessing it's the girl.

Green: Welcome, Doctor. Here's your ID card. We're meeting in the Abattoir Room, upstairs and first door on the left.
Doctor: I have a bad feeling about this.

Jones: Are you an alien expert too?
Rose: Totally. Why?
Jones: I have to tell someone. I just saw a hideous alien while I was hiding in a cupboard.
Rose: He's not that hideous. And how did you get into the TARDIS?

Jones: Here's the skin one of the aliens was using, but it took General Asquith's skin instead. So it's a monster that's also a social climber.
Rose: We should check around for alien technology. Maybe in this closet?
Real Prime Minister's Dead Body: (tumbling out) Nope, just me.
Rose: Huh. Well, I'm sure it's around here somewhere.

Ganesh: What's the Real Prime Minister's dead body doing in here? Margaret, didn't you say you escorted it to the car this morning? While it was still alive, I mean.
Margaret Blaine: Excuse me a moment, I'm just going to unzip my head and remove my skin.
Ganesh: Darn it, answer my question!

Commissioner Strickland: Tell me more about this Doctor.
Jackie: I'm completely ignorant.
Strickland: I assumed so. All you of Earth are idiots. Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!
Jackie: Um, which bureau are you from again?
Strickland: The Bureau of Unzipping My Head and Killing You.
Jackie: What a cock-up! That's not who I called at all.

Doctor: Hmm, UNIT and every top alien expert are here in this room. Heh, I wonder what the chances are of something bad happening to all of us.
Green: (unzipping his head) I'd say very close to 100%.
Doctor: Never quote me the odds.

"Green" Alien: We are the Slitheen. Thanks for coming. Enjoy the flatulence, because it's the last thing you'll ever smell. Activate the electrified ID cards!
Alien Experts: Multiple-GAK!
Doctor: An electrified ID card! I've always wanted one of th-- ARRRRGGH!

"Blaine" Alien: Time to die, Earthling! You'd better hope your Hell has room for another civil servant.
Ganesh: Not likel-- ARRRRGGH!

Jackie: For the last time, I didn't call the Bureau of Ravenously Hungry Bug-Eyed Monsters, either.
"Strickland" Alien: Come on, lady, it's time for the cliffhanger.
Jackie: Oh, already? (ahem) AAAAIIEEEEE!
"Strickland" Alien: Stupid humans.
(The Slitheen advance on the Doctor, Ganesh, and Jackie at Cliffhanger Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 19, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Mark Wilson.