Five-Minute "An Unearthly Child"
by Scooter

Barbara: Oh Ian, that Susan girl is giving me a headache.
Ian: You mean the way she talks like an alien from the distant future?
Barbara: Yes, that, and I haven't figured out a pretext to pry into her life, and give some meaning to my empty existence.
Ian: We could say her homework is suffering.
Barbara: Excellent.

Ian: Susan --
Susan: I'm not an alien! I mean, hello Mr. Chesterton earth-type person.
Barbara: Here's that gigantic biography of Dr. Seuss you wanted, Susan.
Susan: Thanks Miss Wright. I'll give it back to you tomorrow.
Barbara: Susan, this book is eight inches thick. No human from Earth could read it overnight.
Susan: Oh, did I say tomorrow? I meant the day after tomorrow.
Barbara: All right then.

Barbara: Oh Ian, I'm not sure we're doing the right thing following her home.
Ian: Now Barbara, we haven't followed her home at all. We've merely followed her to this old scrapyard she appears to be squatting in.
Barbara: All right then.

Barbara: Oh Ian, this scrapyard is full of props!
Ian: Look, a police box!
Barbara: Sweet. I've always wondered what kind of container police come in.

"Police Box": Hmmmmmmm....
Ian: It's alive!
Barbara: See Ian, isn't prying wonderful?

Doctor: Hello, I'm a cranky old man.
Susan (from inside the TARDIS): Is that you, grandfather?
Ian: What was that?
Doctor: That was, er, my invisible parrot. (Out of the side of his mouth) "Is that you grandfather? Is that you grandfather? Bwaaaak!"
Ian: I'm not sure I believe him.

Barbara: Oh Ian, he's obviously got Susan locked up in that humming police box that's sitting in a junk yard for some reason.
Ian: Yes, and that's the third case this week! Well, the first one was a telephone kiosk, but....
Barbara: We have to do something!
Ian: All right, let's banter with Susan's kidnapper some more. Where's Susan?
Doctor: Susan who? Who?
Ian: Nunno, Cindy-Lou Who. Cindy-Lou.
Doctor: Go away.

Ian: Thanks for letting us in, Susan.
Susan: No problem, I was getting way bored. You ever go on a really, really long road trip with your grandfather?
Ian: Gotcha.

Barbara: Oh Ian, I don't understand. It's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!
Ian: Now Barbara, I walked all around it. It can't be bigger inside than outside.
Barbara: Okay. Your explanation?
Ian: Er, rabbit hole?

Barbara: Susan, can't you see that this is all a game you play with your grandfather?
Susan: I was born in another place, another time.
Barbara: Well, we all were, weren't we? I mean, I was born, er, 29 years ago in Little Pigswade, Goofyenglishnameshire. It's near Hogsmeade.
Ian: And I was born in a crossfire hurricane.
Whoopi: Oo! Oo! I know this one. (ahem) B-flat.
Doctor: Get out of my franchise! Go bother Rick Berman.
Whoopi: Feh.

Doctor: Remind me again why I like humans so much.
Susan: You don't, yet. At this stage you're crotchety and malevolent.
Doctor: Ah, so I am, so I am. Time to electrify the control panel! Wheeee!

Barbara: Oh Ian, these people are nuts. We'd better scoot.
Susan: No! Don't touch the garage door opener --
Control Panel: (ZAP)
Ian: GAK!
Doctor: Bwahahahahaha!
Barbara: Aw, crap.

Doctor: Time to skedaddle.
Susan: Please grandfather, let them go.
Doctor: Nope. They know too much.
Ian: Hey! These controls are just drawn on with magic marker!
Doctor: See?

Susan: But grandfather, we can't leave. What about the Hand of Omega?
Doctor: The hand of who? Who?
Susan: You know, the reason we came here?
Doctor: "The reason we came here"? I can't steer the TARDIS, remember? How could I have come here to do something specific if I can't control the ship, hmmmm?
Seventh Doctor: You know, I was wondering that myself.
Sixth Doctor: Exactly. I know a revisionist history when I see one!
Doctor: Oh, so you're my replacements, eh? A dandy and a clown!
Eighth Doctor: Ha, ha. Losers.
Seventh and Sixth Doctors: Grumble.

Susan: If you don't let the humans go then I'll stay here with them!
Doctor: Huh?
Susan: You know what I mean.
Doctor: Not really but I'll play along. Just walk toward the doors.
Susan: And you'll open them up so we can go, right?
Doctor: Heheh.

Susan: Grandfather's launched the ship! We're traveling in space and time!
Ian: Meh.
Barbara: Why did we all fall down?
Susan: He also bumped the horizontal hold.

Barbara: Ooo, let's explore this dangerous and barren landscape. Look, Ian, a skull!
Ian: Now Barbara, I've walked all around it and it can't be a skull.

Susan: Hey, the TARDIS didn't change shape!
Ian: You mean it can be different shapes?
Susan: Yes, anything, as long as it's a police box.
Sixth Doctor: Or a pipe organ. Or an old stove.
Fourth Doctor: Or a pyramid.
The Master: Or an ionic column.
The Rani: Or a fresco of a volcano.
Ian: Yes, I can see how those would come in handy all the time.
Barbara: What's with all these Doctors and so on? It can't be time for an anniversary special already.
Doctor (muttering): I'm going to have to put down traps.

Doctor: Well, the locals need to see me using fire, so I think I'll wander off and light my pipe that I don't smoke.
Caveman: (BONK)
Doctor: Ouch. Wow, didn't see that coming.

Doctor: What a lovely cave you have.
Caveman: Make fire now.
Doctor: Sorry, young fellow, I only fiddle with history when it suits me. I'm saving the fire bit for Nero.
Caveman: Make fire now.
Doctor: Is that all you say?
Caveman: Make fire now!
Doctor: Sigh.

Ian, Barbara, and Susan: Doctor, thank goodness we found you.
Doctor: Get out, fools! Don't you realize this is where we all get trapped together?
Entire Tribe: Make fire or die!
Doctor: Told you. Geez, next time I kidnap companions I'm going to make sure the ad says "experience required."

Ian: I'm going to teach the caveman how to make fire so we can split.
Doctor: That would be changing history.
Ian: Now Doctor, how do we know he dinna invent the stuff?
Doctor: Good point, Mr. Scott-- er, Chesterton.

Ian: So you rub this like this, see? Fire.
Caveman: Awesome, thanks.
Ian: So we can go now, right?
Caveman: Um, no.
Ian: Crap.

Susan: Ew, a cave of skulls.
Ian: Cool.
Doctor: We're going to have to fake our own deaths using these smelly old skeletons.
Barbara: Or, we could just sneak off while they're all asleep.
Doctor: Hmph. Newbies.

Flaming Skulls: Hi, we're four flaming skulls. Aren't we scary?
Cavemen: Run away! Run away!
Flaming Skulls: Sweet.

Barbara: Here we are back at the TARDIS. You can take us home now, Doctor.
Ian: Yes, we're ready. Any time.
Doctor: Yes, er, about that....
Barbara: You mean we're stuck with you, careening around the universe in a rackety old TARDIS?
Doctor: Brave heart, Barbara. Look, I'm sure it'll only be a few years before we capture a Dalek time machine or something. I'll send you home in that.
Ian: Ooo, great plan.
Doctor: Ingrates.
Susan: Don't worry, grandfather, I'll stay with you forever.
Doctor: Uh huh. Say, do you remember if the TARDIS doors lock from the inside?
(The TARDIS dematerializes at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 10, 2004.

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All material © 2004, Mark Wilson.