Five-Minute "Bad Wolf"
by Scooter

Doctor: Where am I?
Lynda: You're in "Big Brother"... of the FUTURE! Isn't it cool and futuristic?
Doctor: But everything's exactly the same.
Lynda: Of course! The future of reality TV is totally retro.

Rose: Where am I?
Rodrick: Sorry, I'm nursing a two-episode-long snit, so all I'll tell you is you're in that show where you're trapped in a dark room being asked obscure questions by a snide, black-clad martinet.
Rodrick: No, not that one. And you didn't have to get naked.

Jack: Where am I?
Fashionista Android: It's a show where we criticize you for how you look and every choice you've ever made in your life.
Fashionista Android: No, not that one. And you didn't have to g-- well, all right.

Doctor: Wasn't I with someone? Gosh, feels like ages since I forgot a companion.
Lynda: I know, not since "Trial of a Time Lord." So do the viewers like me? I'm Lynda, Lynda with a whine. Do they like me, do they, do they?
Doctor: You're right up there with voting and going to the dentist. So what happens when you get evicted from the house, anyway?
Lynda: You get fried. Literally.
Doctor: Too bad. Figuratively might have been worth trying.

Fashionista Android: I think you'd look better with no head.
Jack: Ladies first. (ZAP!)
Fashionista Android: Cyber-GAK!
Jack: Told you you shouldn't have said I looked like a nighttime soap star.

Anne Droid: Let's play ... theWeakestLink! Rose, in "Doctor Who," when was the last time the Doctor forgot his companion?
Rose: Gosh, I should know this... I think I read something about it a couple scenes back, too... um... um... "The Deadly Assassin?"
Rodrick: (groan) Can we skip ahead and vote her out now?

Doctor: This sucks. I'm getting out.
Lynda: You'll get fried!
Doctor: No I won't. The game wants me alive. I'll go into the little room and nothing will happen to me.
Lynda: I think you've seen Superman II once too often.

Rose: I just realized, we haven't had our random, cryptic reference to "bad wolf" yet this episode.
Rodrick: It's in the title, you clueless freak.
Rose: It has to be dialogue.
Rodrick: Fine, but you just amped up my snit. (sigh) "Boy, am I going to get a lot of grozits from the producers, Bad Wolf Corporation, when I win this game."
Rose: (gasp) Ooo, there it is again!

Disintegrator Beam: Meh.
Doctor: Told you. Oi, Lynda, wanna come? I seem to be taking on temps lately.
Lynda: Okay. Any chance of going perm?
Doctor: Survive this two-parter and I'll think about it. Why are you turning on those floodlights?
Lynda: So you can see this Stanley-Kubrick-monolith-sized Bad Wolf Corporation sign.
Doctor: Hmmm, something familiar about that.
Writer: (Note to self -- "Bad Wolf" references still too subtle. Consider dressing Lynda in red cape, with recently digested grandmother.)

Programmer: Controller, the game's kaput. Some contestants got out.
Controller: I am Nielsen of Borg. Existence is futile.
Programmer: O-kay. I'll just go check Archive 47 for records on --
Controller: We are currently experiencing access interruptions in the following areas. Allentown, PA... Archive 47...
Programmer: Crap.

Doctor: So this is Satellite Five, exactly 100 years after I was here last and fixed everything.
Lynda: That's funny, everything on Earth went to heck in a bullet train exactly 100 years ago.
Doctor: Really? Huh. Well, my new policy is, Blame the Temp. It was all Adric's fault.
Adam: (over the comm) For the last time, my name is Adam!

Doctor: From what I've been able to piece together, there's something under the signals you're sending out. This station is transmitting more than game shows and reality TV.
Lynda: You don't mean -- cooking shows too?
Doctor: Okay, now I'm having second thoughts about you.

Jack: Doctor, there you are. Where's Rose?
Doctor: The computer says she's on Floor 407.
Lynda: Oh no, that's "The Weakest Link." We've got to get her out of there -- the host shoots fire from her mouth and the mortified losers melt away right there on camera!
Doctor: You'd think that the game would have changed at least a little in 198 thousand years.

Anne Droid: I didn't think it was possible to bank negative funds, but you managed it. Rose, by unanimous vote, you are --
Doctor: Wait! Don't say it!
Anne Droid: -- the Weakest Link. Goodbye! (ZAP!)
Rose: GAK!
Doctor: Oh no, Rose, what have I done! (pause) Right, Lynda, you're up.
Lynda: Sweet.

Sergeant: All right, Doctor, what are the Federation's defense plans for Minos Korva?
Doctor: THERE ARE FOUR --!
Jack: -- Not to interrupt your pitiful attempt at cross-series fiver continuity, but shouldn't we be breaking out of jail now?
Doctor: Yeah, I'm done. Buttering up Trek fans wears me out.

Doctor: All right, who's in charge here?
Programmer: The chick with all the cables sticking out of her.
Doctor: Why isn't she talking to me?
Programmer: She'll ignore you until she considers you a threat.

Jack: Hello, TARDIS. How did you end up in Archive 47?
TARDIS: Who cares? Anyway, it's my turn this week to provide the deus ex machina. Voila!
Jack: Is this for real? Wow, what a copout.
TARDIS: Careful, Russell T. Davies is listening, and your second year contract is still up in the air...
Jack: I mean, "Golly! How clever and thrilling!"

Programmer: Wow, solar flares are suddenly isolating us and blocking transmission. What are the odds?
Controller: Doctor! My masters can't hear me during the flares. I put you in the games to hide you from them!
Doctor: Who are they?
Controller: Can't say. But here's a hint: For the first time in Doctor Who history they weren't given away in the episode title.
Doctor: You'll need to narrow it down.

Doctor: Well, that was pointless. Jack, what are you doing?
Jack: I just need to kill Lynda for a moment.
Doctor: Sure, might as well go two for two.
Jack: Stand right there, okay? (ZAP!)
Lynda: But -- GAK!

Lynda: !KAG -- whoa, that felt great! Again, again!
Jack: See, it's not a death ray, it's a transmat beam. Rose is still alive!
Doctor: Geez, what a copout. Plus it creates a plot hole because the beam was used on Rose but not me. This storyline is pure bollocks!
Jack: (aside) Are you sure you want to --
Doctor: Relax, I'm tight with Russell. He'd never toss me out.

Rose: Oh, it's you. Wanna exchange DNA?
Slightly Hidden Evil Alien: We're not falling for that twice.

Programmer: I've cataloged all the hidden signals. It's definitely blocking something.
Controller: Doctor! The coordinates! Sector zed zed nine plural zed alph-- oops. (vanishes)
Doctor: I have a hunch what's hidden there, but it's infinitely improbable.

Controller: Ha! I have brought about your extermi--
Slightly Hidden Evil Alien: Don't say that word, you'll give away the big reveal!
Controller: You do realize you're standing in front of reflective walls?
Slightly Hidden Evil Alien: Doesn't count! La la la can't hear you!

Jack: Here's a visual of the location that's being hidden by the station's secret transmissions.
Doctor: I don't see anything.
Jack: How about now?
Doctor: Great gravy, it's a fleet of blings!
Programmer: Ugh, what ugly gold spacecraft. Doctor, who are they?
Doctor: No, Doctor Who is me. They are the Daleks.
Jack: That was the worst "Doctor Who" joke ever. You really suck.
Doctor: Who, me?
Jack: Stop it!

Doctor: M--
Rose: Don't you dare say "meh."
Doctor: --my goodness that's unfortunate. Even so, I refuse to do your bidding, Daleks! Nyaah! Nyaah!
Dalek #1: AW, C'MON, PLEASE.
Doctor: Nope.
Doctor: Rose, if you're still alive for some reason by the time I get there, I'm coming to rescue you and defeat the Daleks!
Rose: Okay, well, I'm just standing here surrounded by half a million rabidly xenophobic homicidal alien monsters, so, you know, take your time.
(The Doctor and Jack race to rescue Rose at Cliffhanger Speed)


Previous fiver: Father's Day
Next fiver: The Parting of the Ways


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This fiver was originally published on July 6, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2005, Mark Wilson.