Five-Minute "Dalek"
by SCMoll

The Doctor: So here we are. Utah.
Rose: You mean in America?
The Doctor: Well, the TARDIS can go anywhere in time and space.
Rose: But surely it has better taste than to land in America? Think of all the dubious accents we'll encounter!
The Doctor: If that were true, we'd never land in Wales, either.

Van Statten: So, I'm feeling a bit contrary today. Let's replace the president. Who should we pick?
Goddard: How about someone who will erode all of our civil liberties in the name of a war against vague threat?
Van Statten: But George W. Bush was already president!
Goddard: Actually, I was talking about that nice Senator Palpatine.

Guard: We've caught some people in the Vault, sir.
Van Statten: How'd they get there?
Guard: No idea, though it can't possibly be related to the large blue box we found four feet from them.
The Doctor: Hello, I'm the Doctor! And this is Rose!
Van Statten: Wow, English people! Just like Adric here.
Adam: I keep telling you, my name's Adam.

Van Statten: So, intruder of unknown motives who somehow penetrated my security, how would you like to see my prized possession?
The Doctor: What is it?
Van Statten: I call it the Metaltron. Clever, eh?
The Doctor: Is it made of metal?
Van Statten: How'd you guess?
The Doctor: After you've been to the water world of Marinus, met the robots of Mechanus, and crossed the deserts of Aridius, you start to catch on.

The Doctor: A Dalek! You know, if I hadn't read the title, this might have actually been a surprise.
The Doctor: In any case, I think I'm going to kill you now... but do I have the right?
The Doctor: Actually, I've always found the whole "moral-dilemma-over-killing-something-totally-evil" thing a bit rubbish. Exterminate!

Van Statten: He's killing the Dalek! Get him out of there!
The Doctor: You can't torture that thing. Wait, actually you can. It's me you can't torture!
Van Statten: Now there's an idea.

Adam: So... do you want to see my alien artifacts?
Rose: That has to be the worst pickup line ever.
Adam: I'm serious! We have a Metaltron and everything!
Rose: Oh, let me talk to it!

Rose: Sure.
(Rose touches the Dalek.)
Adam: I think you just had sex with it.
Rose: Don't be silly. Sex can't repair a robot anymore than it can cure a starship captain of his ethical dilemmas.

Van Statten: I love a spot of gratuitous alien-torture.
The Doctor: This is a regular Jubilee, isn't it?
Goddard: The Dalek's escaped!
The Doctor: You have to let me out! Nothing can stop a rampaging Dalek!
Van Statten: You mean not even the power of an entire nation-state can?
The Doctor: Only the Terry nation-state.

The Doctor: The Dalek's downloading the entire Internet!
Van Statten: Even the illegal movie files?
The Doctor: Yes, why?
Van Statten: Because with the MPAA after it, that Dalek is so going down.

Guard: Stop that Dalek!
Dalek: exterminate all humans
Guard: GAK!
Dalek: behold my new ability 2 spin
Other Guards: GAK!

Van Statten: The Dalek killed all those people.
Goddard: We're going to need the power of an Egyptian god to stop that thing...
Van Statten: What's wrong with it, though? Why's it speaking funny?
The Doctor: There aren't any capital letters on the Internet!

Rose: I got an idea!
Adam: What?
Rose: We can go up these stairs! The Dalek won't be able to climb them.
Adam: Did you even watch Season 25's "Remembrance of the Daleks"?
Rose: You are such a nerd, Adric.
Adam: Adam!

Guards: We are going to destroy that thing into tiny little pieces!
Dalek: behold my cunning plan
Dalek: it is so cunning u could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel
Dalek: lol i made a blackadder reference
Guards: GAK!
Dalek: i am 1337 h4xx0r!

The Doctor: Rose, I've got to seal you and Adric in with the Dalek before we lose power to the bulkheads!
Adam: I told you --
The Doctor: Shut up! Rose, I'm sorry.
Rose: About what?
The Doctor: That Adric is going to make it through and you won't.

Dalek: i have caught u
Dalek: j00 was pwnd!!!!11!
Rose: Yes, but you don't seem to be able to actually hit me.
Dalek: it must have been something i got off the net
Rose: You weren't online without virus protection, were you?

Dalek: doctor u will open the door or i will kill rose
The Doctor: OK, I'll do it.
Van Statten: I thought you said you didn't have enough power to operate the bulkhead doors again.
The Doctor: I was lying. Miscalculation on my part -- I thought Adric was going to be the one trapped on the other side.

Rose: Doctor! Why are you pointing a gun at the Dalek! That's so out-of-character!
The Doctor: Oh, what have I become? I would never do anything like point a gun at a Dalek, or infect it with Movellan plague, or destroy its homeworld in a supernova.
Dalek: what is happening 2 me?
Dalek: i feel pain!
The Doctor: That's what you get for interfacing without protection. You have been infected with the dreaded virus deus.exe.machina.
Dalek: gak!!!!111!!!

Rose: So that's it, then? No more Daleks ever?
The Doctor: Yes, that was the final end.
Adam: But you also said that in "Evil of the Daleks" and "Remembrance of the Daleks."
Rose: You're such a nerd, Adric.
Adam: ADAM!
The Doctor: Oh, I'm sure they'll be back at the next ratings slump, as usual. Come along, Adric.
Adric: Fine. I give up.
(The TARDIS dematerializes at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 14, 2005.

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All material © 2005, S. C. Mollman.