Five-Minute "Logopolis"
by Scooter

Doctor: The TARDIS is broken.
Adric: Do tell.
Doctor: So here's the plan. If we scan in a real police box on Earth, we can take the measurements to Logopolis so they can make everything better.
Adric: What's at Logopolis? Time Lord body shop?
Doctor: No, focus groups. They've already sent ahead their first recommendation: installing a laugh track. A *diabolical* laugh track. Brilliant!
Adric: I've got a bad feeling about this.

Tegan: I'm off to my first day as a stewardess.
Auntie Vanessa: Are you sure you're smart enough, dear? Your last job didn't go so well.
Tegan: Honestly. You batter-fry one customer and you never hear the end of it.

Adric: Earth again.
Doctor: Shut up or I won't give a girl companion to play with.
Adric: How about two?
Doctor: In your dreams.

Doctor: Hm, the TARDIS seems to be caught in a gravity bubble. We must have materialized around another TARDIS.
Adric: How can you tell?
Doctor: Mainly by the fact that we're about to exit out the back of the TARDIS, even though there isn't a door there.
Adric: Actually, I think your TARDIS is the only one that does have a door. Unless you count the horsebox in "Terror of the Autons," of course.
Doctor: Geek.

Tegan: Stupid flat tire. I'd better go find a garage. Maybe there's one inside this old police box!

Police Officer: You there! What do you know about these weird dolls that I'm going to assume for some reason were once people that were somehow murdered by shrinking?
Doctor: Um, I'm not the one you're looking for.
Officer: ... You're not the one I'm looking for ...
Doctor: I can go about my business.
Officer: ... You can go about your business ...
Doctor: And you'll get me an ice cream cone and some Necco wafers.
Officer: ... I'll get you an ice cream cone and -- heyyy!

Tegan: Eeek! Corridors! Ivy! (sob) Will the horrors never end?
Diabolical Laughter: Mwahahahaha.
Tegan: Even worse -- a laugh track!

Doctor: I have a feeling we're being watched.
Adric: You mean, by that glowy white guy who's up there on the bridge watching us?
Doctor: You know, you get more annoying every day.
Adric: It's called the Wesley Factor.

Doctor: Who are you?
Tegan: I'm Tegan. I demand to see the pilot!
Doctor: What, the one with the old man in a white wig, pottering about in a scrap yard? Absolute rubbish.
Tegan: No. I mean, the person who's in control of this ship.
Adric: Oh, we don't have one of those.
Doctor: You are *so* going to get left behind on a doomed freighter someday.

Monitor: Welcome to the Logopolis Focus Group Project, Doctor! We've already come up with the perfect fix for you.
Doctor: I'm not sure I want to know. What is it?
Monitor: I can sum it up in three words: Young, younger, youngest!
Doctor: And I was right. Surely you don't mean me, though?
Monitor: Come with me to the Kleenex Room.

Adric: The Doctor says the Master is around here somewhere, and that we shouldn't look for him.
Tegan: I may be new, but I know what that means. Let's go!

Doctor: Didn't I tell you not to look for the Master? Didn't I?
Adric: Me, listen to you? What's in it for me?
Tegan: I demand the right to wander around alone in high heels looking for bloodthirsty villains!
Doctor: What a gaggle of ninnies I've saddled myself with. I swear, if one more clueless, greenhorn companion shows up I'll snuff *myself* out.
Nyssa: Guess what, everybody! They made me a regular!
Doctor: On your head be it, then.

Nyssa: Look, it's a character played by the same actor who played my father, but looking nothing like him. Hi dad!
Master: Mwhahahaha.
Nyssa: Daddy, why must you be so diabolical?
Doctor: Congratulations, Nyssa, you just won the coveted Dumbest Companion Ever Award. That's not your father, that's a hideously evil creature that wants to conquer the galaxy.
Nyssa: Oh. My mistake.

Doctor: What are you doing here, Master?
Master: I've been waiting for you, Doctor. We've come full circle. When last I met you I was in a state of decay. Now, I am the Master.
Doctor: Only a master of evil, Master. But seriously, what are you doing on Logopolis?
Master: Oh, nothing much. Just getting a little feedback on my Goatee of Evil. Everything all right with you?
Doctor: Well, Adric is getting on my nerves. (sigh) If only I could spend a whole serial and just forget he ever existed.
Master: Consider it done.

Monitor: There you all are. So, Doctor, let's go through our checklist. Old Romana, already gone, good job. Old robot dog, ditto. Old credits, old theme music, old producers, gone gone gone.
Doctor: I did all that without you.
Monitor: We're on the right track then. Let's see, new companions: Artful Dodger Fanboy type, Mouth with Legs type, Sexually Repressed Teenage Scientist type, check check check. New Master, check.
Master: Mwahahaha.
Monitor: Diabolical laugh track, check. Hmm, there's only replacement left that I can see. (meaningful look)
Doctor: Ah, about that. (ahem) You know, Master, it's only a matter of time before they come for you and replace you with some Hollywood actor.
Master: Meh. As long as it's not Eric Roberts.
Monitor: (meaningful look)
Master: (gasp) I will fight you with every fiber of my being!

Monitor: Doctor, the Master is going around killing my people!
Doctor: Meh. Pardon me while I accidentally trap myself in the TARDIS.
Monitor: But you don't understand. Long ago the universe passed the point where it could live without focus groups.
Doctor: *Passed* the point? You mean -- if Logopolis is destroyed --
Monitor: Yes, Doctor -- there'll be nothing left to dumb down quality entertainment programming! Half the universe will die of brain cramp!
Doctor: By Rassilon's Bedpan, I hope it's not too late.

Doctor: The Master has shut down Logopolis, so we must go to Earth. We can use the technology there to stop the destruction of all creation.
Adric: Wait. Out of all the planets in the cosmos we're going to Earth? To use *Earth* technology to stop Armageddon? Not Gallifrey, not some advanced world, but *Earth*?
Doctor: Yes. I'm hoping to crash the universe and force a reboot.
Tegan: We humans know what we're good at.

Adric: Huh. The entire universe displayed on the TARDIS monitor. Both pointless and impossible!
Nyssa: That part's going dark. Adric! I can't see my home planet!
Adric: Of course you can't. It would be something like one googleth of a pixel at this scale! Not even counting the fact that it's in 2D...
Nyssa: Great gravy, do you come from Planet Geek or what?

Doctor: The computer center at Carleton University. This should do nicely.
Master: You'll never be able to reboot the universe from here, Doctor. You haven't got enough RAM.
Doctor: No need. I found the program you started. All I need to do is End Task.
Master: But terminating a process can cause undesired results, including loss of data and system instability. Are you sure you want to terminate the process?
Doctor: Yes. Geez, and I thought Adric was the geek.

Nyssa: The university's security guards are on their way.
Tegan: They'll arrest the Doctor and the Master will escape. We have to do something!
Adric: Got it! We're one guy and two girls. Let's distract them by acting out an episode of "Three's Company"!
Tegan: You heard about "Three's Company" in E-Space?
Adric: Of course, everyone has. It was my first impression of Earth.
Tegan: That must be why alien races keep trying to destroy us.

Doctor: All done. So, Master, your little stunt has inadvertently killed off a quarter of the known galaxies. Well done.
Master: Thanks. It was your idea to get me involved.
Doctor: True enough. So, what now? I mean, after killing me.
Master: I was toying with going back and fiddling with the Magna Carta.
Doctor: You fiend!

Adric: "Is something burning, Janet?" (Is it working? Are the guards distracted?)
Nyssa: "Oh *no*! I left my underwear in the oven, Jack!" (Can't tell. They're too busy retching in the bushes.)
Tegan: "Too bad hotpants aren't in style!" (Why do I have to be Chrissy?)

Master: Time to die, Doctor. Here, step over to this prebuttered ledge.
Doctor: You can't win, Master. If you strike me down, I shall become more neurotic than you could possibly imagine.
Master: Ha! The BBC never told you why they brought me back from the dead.
Doctor: It's because you think you're more popular than I am.
Master: No. I *am* more popular than you are!
Doctor: NOOOOOO!

Tegan: "Jack, eat your salad before it gets cold!" (It's not working!)
Nyssa: (They saw the Doctor fall to his death!)
Adric: (This calls for desperate measures.) (ahem) "Come on, little buddy, let's go see Mr. and Mrs. Howell!" (Guys? Guys!)

Doctor: My most recent life is passing before my eyes... All my old adventures... Hmm, don't remember that at all. ...Nope, that's not ringing a bell. ...Oh, that bloke had a dog bit my lip off...
Tegan: Hurry, Doctor, they're coming --
Doctor: I'm dying as fast as I can!

Doctor: G - A - A - A - A ...
Tegan: The guards are almost here! They've run over the same section of lawn at least three times now!
Doctor: ... A - A - A - A ...
Watcher: Here, allow me.
Nyssa: The Watcher!
Adric: He was the Fifth Doctor all the time! And you said it was Patrick Swayze.
Tegan: Mine was more plausible.
Doctor: ... (oof!) - AK!
Regenerated Fifth Doctor: Phew! I thought he'd never leave.
Tegan: Hey, it's the guy from "All Creatures Great and Small." Aren't you too young to play the Doctor?
Fifth Doctor: It's amazing, Tegan. The irritation inside -- you take it with you!
(The guards rush up at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 13, 2005.

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All material © 2005, Mark Wilson.