Five-Minute "Mission to the Unknown"
by Brad Phipps
Vicki: Doctor, shouldn't we be in this adventure? Doctor?
Steven: He's off fishing.
Vicki: You're such a know-it-all. I swear the next planet we come to I'm outta here.
Garvey: I remember now. I must... I must kill...
Wilson: Who are you talking to?
Wilson: Wanna play ball?
Cory: I'm the overly-aggressive antagonist that doesn't really care about the rest of the cast.
Lowery: I'm the nervous companion.
Cory: Shssh! Only the Doctor is allowed companions.
Lowery: So what does that make me?
Lowery: Flare-back melted the retaining bolts. Just solid lumps of Tarnium.
Cory: You sure you're not related to Adric at all...?
Lowery: If we don't shoot off soon, we won't make it to the rendezvous with the freighter.
Cory: I'm not worried.
Yoda: You will be! You will be...
Cory: This jungle is full of crazies.
Garvey: Kill -- GAK!
Lowery: Jeff! You murdered him! He was my best friend! And he was three days from retirement!
Cory: It was him or you.
Lowery: Okay, me then.
Cory: Your parents weren't cousins by any chance?
Lowery: You didn't give him a chance. You shot him down like an animal.
Cory: He had this behind his ear.
Lowery: What is it?
Cory: A thorn from that plant over there.
Lowery: I get it. It was turning him into a monster...
Cory: He was turning into a monster?
Cory: Let's get back to the ship.
Lowery: What about Garvey's personal effects?
Cory: We don't have time to worry about that.
Lowery: He was rich.
Cory: Dibs on his iPod.
Lowery: You'd better explain why you killed Jeff and it better be good.
Cory: Sit down and take a look at this.
Lowery: Springfield Library card no. 14523--
Cory: No no, the other side.
Lowery: Oh. I might have known. "Space Security Service. Licensed to Kill"?
Lowery: What kind of Library gives you a license to kill?
Cory: Here, hold this thorn.
Cory: This other document gives me the authority to enlist the aid of any persons, civil or military. You were just enlisted. Now, stand over these humiliated prisoners and point at them in a stupid fashion while I photograph you.
Lowery: But --
Cory: THIS IS THE MILITARY, SOLDIER, DO AS YOU'RE TOLD!
Lowery: So why are we here?
Cory: There are Daleks on this planet and they mean to invade and destroy Earth. I'm gonna use you as a shield while I get close enough to find out what their full plan is.
Lowery: Hmmm, I should be very concerned and angry that you've led me into this, but I'm strangely calm about the whole thing.
Lowery: Yes please!
Cory: It's no good, the radio's shot.
Lowery: Tested the link pulses?
Lowery: What about the vergometer?
Cory: Not gonna try that.
Cory: 'Cause you made it up.
Cory: The only place in the universe where Vargas grow naturally is on the Daleks' own planet, Skaro.
Lowery: I thought Skaro was a dead world? And how can they grow naturally? Isn't everything there 'mutated' after the nuclear war? How can something grown in a lab be 'natural'?
Cory: You absolutely sure you're not related to Adric?
Black Dalek: Detectors have registered that Sean Connery is on the planet Kembel.
Dalek 2: Position of Red October located. Our patrol will reach it shortly.
Black Dalek: The ship and its occupants must be totally destroyed. DO YOU HEAR? Destroyed! Destroyed! DESTROYED!
Dalek 2: I'm not deaf.
Cory: Look, stop asking questions and get on with the work!
Lowery: I'm doing my best Captain.
Cory: I should tell you I'm not really a captain.
Lowery: That's OK, I'm not really an engineer.
Dougal: Can I still be a priest?
Dalek 1: ALIEN SPACECRAFT DETECTED. WE WILL CLOSE ON IT FROM THREE DIRECTIONS.
Dalek 2: BUT THERE ARE ONLY TWO OF US.
Dalek 1: DO NOT QUESTION!
Dalek 2: TECHNICALLY IT WAS MORE OF AN OBSERVATION.
Dalek 1: DO NOT OBSERVE!
Dalek 2: I OBEY.
Cory: I don't like our chances. Here, help me with this rocket with a tape recorder attached on top in case of emergency.
Lowery: What does it do exactly?
Cory: It's a tape recorder... with a rocket attached...
Lowery: Whoa, slow down. Let me a get a pen.
Dalek 1: LOOK, THE SHIP FROM THE PLANET GEARON.
Dalek 2: AND THE BEGINNING OF THE GREAT ALLIANCE.
Dalek 3: WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS? DON'T WE ALREADY KNOW THIS?
Dalek 2: UM... YES...
Dalek 3: SO WHY SAY IT OUT LOUD?
Dalek 2: ER... ER... (ZZAP!)
Dalek 3: GAK!
Cory: There's something out there moving.
Lowery: Morris dancers?
Cory: What? No, moving too quickly.
Lowery: Morris Dancers can move very fast when cornered.
Cory: Come on, we've got to --
Lowery: If it is Morris Dancers, our whole galaxy is in danger.
Cory: That thorn's taking effect, huh?
Dalek 2: THE SHIP IS EMPTY, THE CREW HAVE GONE.
Dalek 1: WE WILL SEARCH FOR THEM.
Dalek 4: LET ME TAKE A PHOTO OF ROGER MOORE'S SHIP FIRST. (FWUMP) UH OH.
Dalek 1: THE SHIP HAS BEEN DESTROYED. WHO TOOK THE PHOTO?
Dalek 2: CARL.
Dalek 1: DARN IT CARL!
Dalek 4: SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME.
Black Dalek: THE DELEGATES HAVE ASSEMBLED. WE CAN BEGIN THE FASHION PARADE!
Malpha: What? We were told there was a galactic plan of domination being discussed here!
Black Dalek: SILENCE. YOUR COSTUMES ARE WHAT WE HAVE DESIRED. NOW GET ON THE CATWALK AND GIVE ME A LEFT-HAND TURN.
Ben Stiller: Hey -- GAK!
Black Dalek: THAT WAS FOR MEET THE FOCKERS.
Black Dalek: WHERE IS MAVIC CHEN? HE HAS THE TIME DESTRUCTOR.
Malpha: You're getting ahead of yourself. He won't appear for a few weeks.
Black Dalek: VERY WELL. BRING THE DOCTOR'S TARDIS. WE WILL RETURN TO 1866 WITHIN THE HOUR.
Malpha: You're new at this, aren't you?
Cory: We have to keep moving.
Lowery: All this scenery is starting to look the same. I'm sure we've run past that polystyrene boulder three times already.
Cory: You're not supposed to mention --
Lowery: Is that a BBC Camera in the trees?
Cory: Yes, you're being filmed for This Is Your Life. Now move!
Black Dalek: The seven great powers of the outer galaxy... systems... are one.
Malpha: We should celebrate!
Black Dalek: ANOTHER PARADE!
Malpha: But we're tired. It takes a lot to walk backwards and forwards along a small runway.
Black Dalek: WUSS.
Malpha: We will destroy them all the planets in the Solar Syst-- what are you doing?
Black Dalek: DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY STEVE DAVIS IMPERSONATION?
Malpha: Er... not really --
Black Dalek: EARTH BALL, CORNER POCKET.
Cory: I heard what they're planning to do. They announced it through the loudspeaker system.
Cory: Yes, our whole galaxy is to be inva--
Lowery: You mean to say they just openly broadcast their invasion plan knowing full well there are humans here?
Cory: We have to warn --
Lowery: You're telling me they used a loud public address system --
Cory: Here, have another thorn.
Cory: That's what I thought you said.
Cory: (ahem) This is Marc Cory, Special Security Service, reporting from the planet
Kembel. The Daleks are planning the complete destruction of -- hang on, I've got another call coming in. (click) Yes? Hey... no I haven't seen it... well I don't know, have you tried looking? That's what you always tell me... Oh, like that is it? Well I might not come home, I might stay here and get myself vaporized, how would ya like that, huh?
Dalek 1: THE HUMAN FROM THE ROCKET SHIP IS IN THIS AREA.
Dalek 2: MAY I HAVE HIS AUTOGRAPH?
Dalek 1: NO.
Dalek 2: BUT IT WILL BE WORTH MORE ONCE WE KILL HIM.
Dalek 1: HAVE HIM MAKE IT OUT "TO BLACK DALEK, BEST WISHES, TIMOTHY DALTON."
Cory: ...All defences must be put into operation at once! Message ends. Wait... what the hell is a Windows Protection Error? This is the last time I buy Microsoft.
Cory: Uh oh.
Dalek 2: FIRE.
Cory: I regret nothing -- GAK!
Dalek 1: WHATEVER INFORMATION HE DISCOVERED HAS DIED WITH HIM. RETURN TO THE CITY.
Dalek 2: SHOULD WE NOT CHECK HIM FOR RECORDINGS?
Dalek 1: WHAT PART OF "RETURN TO THE CITY" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
Malpha: The human is dead! We can now begin the attack on the galaxy... er, Solar System!
Black Dalek: LAUNCH THE ATTACK FLEET!
Dalek 2: FIRST WE MUST WAIT 4 WEEKS FOR SOME REASON.
Black Dalek: CRUD.
(Marc Cory's ghost flies off to the afterlife at Ludicrous Speed)
Previous fiver: An Unearthly Child
Next fiver: The Ark
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Brad Phipps.
Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.
___ Five-Minute Doctor Who
___ ___ Second Doctor
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Mission to the Unknown"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.
All material © 2006, Brad Phipps.