Ace: I forgot how totally dull my hometown is. Where is everybody, anyway?
Doctor: Well, the viewing figures aren't what they used to be.
Ace: No, I mean there's no extras. The town's deserted.
Doctor: The budget isn't what it used to be either.
Ace: Too right. Hey look, Professor, a black cat! That's bad luck.
Doctor: Only if you see the same one twice.
Ace: There's an old mate of mine. Oi, Ange, what's going on?
Ange: Dunno. I was in a coma, and when I woke up 28 days later, everyone was gone.
Ace: Oh yeah? And what, London was crawling with zombies?
Doctor: That would be silly, Ace. Anyway we've already done zombies.
Ace: Well, since we're making it up as we go, we'll need a villain. What haven't we done? Cavemen?
Doctor: Done it.
Ace: Houseplants? Shop mannequins? Clowns? Daffodils? Swimming pool vacs?
Doctor: All been done. You use up a lot of villains in 27 years.
Ace: Criminy, we really are on our last legs. We'd better be careful or we'll be canceled for sure.
Doctor: Nonsense. That's as likely as the Daleks putting the Master on trial.
Ace: Now you're just talking crazy.
Ace: Brr, there's that black cat again.
Doctor: That's it! Cats!
Ace: Are you sure that's the best we can do? Not really a classic villain, kitty cats, are they?
Doctor: My friends Torg and Riff would disagree. Besides, I have a feeling this new nemesis will last as long the show itself.
Doctor: I suppose it's time for me to wander off so you can be endangered, or we'll never get this plot off the ground.
Ace: Why can't I wander off some time and put you in danger?
Doctor: Next episode, I promise. Here, kitty kitty kitty...
Ace: No wonder the Time Lords booted him out.
Doctor: Hello, salt-of-the-earth shopkeeper. While I'm purchasing your fine cat food, let's discuss philosophy. It worked so well in "Remembrance of the Daleks."
Grocer: Funny you should mention that one. "Remembrance of the Daleks" was supposed to be set during the same time as the first episode of Doctor Who, namely the evening of 23rd November 1963, right? But the episode clearly showed non-wintry weather and bright evenings --
Doctor: I said philosophy, not nitpicking!
Ace: Help, Professor, I'm being chased by Cats!
Doctor: You're being chased by cats?
Ace: Not cats, Cats!
Cheetah-like alien chasing Ace: (sings) "Memory, all alone in the moonlight..."
Doctor: Mamma Mia!
Doctor: Hang on, Ace! I'll think of something!
Ace: Hurry, Professor! It's catching up to me!
Ace and Cheetah Person: POOF
Doctor: Tsk tsk. I lose more companions that way.
Doctor: I'd better catch that darn cat. I'm sure she knows what's going on.
Black cat: I'm a housecat. I'm not telling you anything and you can't make me.
Doctor: No, but my friend here can.
Aibo: ROWF! ROWF!
Black cat: AAIEEEE!
Doctor and black cat: POOF
Cheetah People: Welcome to the Cheetah Planet. We will take you to our leader.
Doctor: Who is it? Halle Berry? Michelle Pfeiffer? Eartha Kitt?
Cheetah People: No...
Doctor: Julie Newmar? Elizabeth Taylor?
Cheetah People: Stop that! Look, we'll give you a hint: He's controlling us through hypnosis.
Doctor: A guy, then. Um, Mike Myers? Dean Jones?
Cheetah People: Never mind! Just walk this way.
Doctor: If I could walk that way --
Cheetah People: ROAR!
Doctor: Hey, I needed that hand.
The Master: Hello.
Doctor: Oh, it's you. Should've known we couldn't afford Michelle Pfeiffer.
Master: You could barely afford me.
Doctor: So. Weren't you trapped and certain to die in the Matrix? And in Rani's Tardis before that?
Master: (sigh) Yes.
Doctor: And the time before that, didn't I watch you literally burn to a crisp on Sarn?
Doctor: So, would you care to explain how you --
Doctor: I see. Well, can you at least explain about the Cheetah People and --
Master: Look, I'd love to tell you what's going on, but seeing me was supposed to be the big cliffhanger to episode one, and they're already rolling the credits.
Doctor: Oh, okay. I'll check back with you later.
Ace: Hey, I finally found all my mates! Wicked!
Midge: Yeah, great, except the Cheetah People are constantly hunting us.
Shreela: And the planet's slowly turning us into Cheetah People.
Midge: And we have names like "Midge" and "Shreela."
Shreela: That was true before, though.
Ace: Yeah, it sucked to be you even before they made you cat food.
Ace: I set up some traps to catch the Cheetah People that are hunting me and my friends.
Doctor: Is that why I'm hanging upside down from my feet over a pit full of sharp stakes?
Ace: Pretty much.
Doctor: Thanks for coming, everyone. Sorry for the inconvenience, but we had to discuss strategy somewhere the Cheetah People won't go.
Midge: Is that why we're all standing in a bathtub?
Shreela: Up to our knees in soapy water and Mr. Bubble?
Doctor: Pretty much. Now it turns out the more you run from the Cheetahs, the more the planet turns you into one.
Shreela: (big eye roll) Oh, that makes sense.
Ace: So, you're saying, don't run, right?
Ace: Just stand there and let the Cheetahs eat us, right?
Doctor: Right. I mean, no, of course not. I'll think of something.
Ace: Uh huh. The last time you said that, I got kidnapped to a planet where Cheetah People tried to eat me.
Doctor: Right. And the last time I had a companion that mouthed off, she ended up bald with someone else's brain in her head.
Midge: I hate it when Mom and Dad fight.
Doctor: Now everyone stand here in the middle of this field, and remember, don't run.
Ace: I have a bad feeling about this.
Midge: There's something rustling in the bushes there.
Ace: I think someone else is coming through from Earth.
Donald Trump: You're fired. You're fired. You're all fired! Everyone's fired! Kill, crush, destroy!
(Ace and her friends run away screaming)
Doctor: (sigh) You have to ruin everything, don't you?
Donald Trump: Pretty much.
Master: Hi. Time to spoon-feed you more of the plot.
Doctor: If I can keep it down. What now?
Master: The Cheetah People can travel instantaneously back to their home planets.
Doctor: Of course they can.
Master: Doctor, help me. I'm trapped here and I'm already turning into a Cheetah Person.
Doctor: Seems pretty simple. Just let the planet finish turning you into a Cheetah, and then you'll be able to zap yourself home.
Master: ...But I'll be a Cheetah.
Doctor: Well, you weren't that honest before.
Doctor: Okay, Ace, I found a way home. We need to find a Cheetah Person who used to be a human.
Ace: (turning to reveal Cheetah eyes) That would be me.
Doctor: Excellent, that'll do nicely. I mean, Oh, no!
Doctor: Thanks for getting us back to Earth, Ace.
Ace: I did it for my own reasons. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take a twenty-hour nap.
Doctor: Snap out of it, Ace. I've only got eleven tins of Fancy Feast back in the Tardis.
Ace: Fancy Feast. How bourgeois.
Doctor: Look! The Master followed us here. I wonder how.
Ace: (yawn) Looks like he's got a Cheetah Person on a leash. A Cheetah Person with a bad comb-over.
Doctor: At least Trump finally found a way to be useful.
Midge: Hi. I'm a Cheetah Person now too.
Doctor: And what an improvement.
Midge: Thanks. Just for that, I'm going to kill you in a motorcycle duel. (gets onto motorcycle)
Doctor: Naturally. (gets onto another motorcycle) Why, just the other day I was watching the Discovery Channel, and they had cheetahs fighting motorcycle duels for hours...
Midge: (revving his engines) En garde, you sarcastic bastard!
Ace: Not that I care, Professor, but won't you both die if you speed toward each other like that?
Doctor: Don't worry, I'll think of somethiiiiiiing... SMASH
Ace: Hm. Something's wrong here.
Doctor's hat: I'm all that's left. I promise.
Ace: Sure. After 27 years of facing cunning villains and epic dangers, the Doctor gets taken out by a cheetah on a motorcycle named Midge.
Doctor's hat: Makes as much sense as the rest of this mess.
Doctor: Lucky for me I was thrown clear of that crash. I suppose I should go find Ace. On the other hand, I can treasure these few moments of peace and quiet...
Master: I am going to kill you, Doctor!
Doctor: (sigh) ...while they last. Wait, where are we?
Master: I've brought you back to the Cheetah Planet, where we'll fight our final battle to the death.
Doctor: Oh, that. But, Master, you do realize that coming back here and fighting each other is turning me into a Cheetah Person too?
Master: Of course! I have planned this moment for centuries.
Doctor: Planned...turning me into a cheetah.
Master: Well, an orangutan originally. This works also.
Doctor: Wait -- if I'm turning into a Cheetah Person, I can transport! I can finally use this cockamamie plot to my advantage! (closes eyes) There's no place like home...there's no place like home... (vanishes)
Ace: Professor? Where are you? Boy, when I find that Time Lord I'm going to shred his silly question-mark sweater until he begs for mercy.
Aibo: ROWF! ROWF ROWF ROWF!
Ace: Hsssss! Die, vile canine contraption!
Aibo: (runs away) Yipe! Yipe! Yipe!
Ace: Hmph. Maybe turning into a cat isn't half so bad after all.
George Takei: Welcome, Doctor.
Doctor: Wait, I was supposed to be going home. Where am I?
William Shatner: Your new home, of course. Cancellation Hell -- otherwise known as the Eternal Sci-Fi Convention! Bwahahahaha!
Doctor: No! Not that!
Fanboy #1: Will you sign my Fourth Doctor scarf?
Fanboy #2: How do you account being able to kill Cybermen with guns in some episodes and having to use gold in others?
Fanboy #3: Why did Katarina have to die? Why, Doctor, why?
Doctor: Make it stop, make it all stop! AAAIIEEEEEE!
(The Doctor spirals into Cancellation Hell at Ludicrous Speed)
THE VERY END
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Next fiver: Doctor Who: The Movie
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Scooter.
Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.
___ Five-Minute Doctor Who
___ ___ Seventh Doctor
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "Survival"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.
All material © 2005, Mark Wilson.