Five-Minute "The Christmas Invasion"
Previously on Doctor Who: Christopher Eccleston ran screaming from the set -- that is to say, the Ninth Doctor nobly sacrificed his life to save Rose, blah blah blah regeneration blah blah blah.
Tenth Doctor: Jackie! Mickey! Did I hit you when I crash-landed the TARDIS?
Jackie: No, not quite.
Doctor: Damn. (collapses)
Mickey: There's disappointment for you. Who is this clown?
Rose: That's right.
Rose: Great, he's unconscious. Whose life am I going to make a living hell now?
Jackie: There's Mickey.
Rose: Good point. Where'd you get the men's jammies?
Jackie: The fleet's in.
Reporter: Prime Minister, why is Britain sending a space probe to Mars again?
Harriet Jones: My mandate is to challenge American supremacy and arrogance, but in the venue where they're least likely to give a rat's buttocks.
Mickey: Can we just spend five minutes together without the Doctor and the aliens and all that?
Rose: Sure, but can we do it after these homicidal robot Santas stop trying to kill us?
Rose: Mum, where'd you get that Christmas tree? It's actually tasteful.
Jackie: It's not mine.
Rose: That explains it.
Rose: Doctor, wake up! We're being attacked by a spinning Ginsu Christmas tree!
Doctor: (snapping awake) Fortunately, "evaporate spinning Ginsu Christmas tree" is my sonic screwdriver's default setting.
Doctor: The attacks are happening because I'm exhaling excess regeneration energy and it attracted someone's attention.
Jackie: Is that what that was? I thought it was really bad breath. Like, toxic bad.
Doctor: Right. Time to check out for a while. Rose, you have the conn. (collapses)
Mickey: Uh oh.
Rose: Relax, it's not like we're about to have an alien invasion or anything.
Llewellyn: The first pictures from the Guinevere space probe should be coming through now.
Harriet Jones: I'm Harriet Janeway. Jones, sorry, Harriet Jones.
Llewellyn: Yes, I can read your speaker credit. What about my probe?
Alex: If you'll just step this way --
Llewellyn: No, no, the space probe!
Jones: It was nicked by aliens. We're deciphering their first message now.
Alex: Here's the translation. It reads, "Resistance sucks. Get enslaved."
Jones: That sounds oddly familiar somehow.
Alex: We transmitted your reply that the Earth would not surrender.
Alex: Somehow they gained mind control over a third of humanity --
Jones: -- conveniently exempting the principals of this episode --
Alex: -- right, and they're all standing on ledges about to jump.
Jones: Ah, well, there was always a danger of that. Major, activate Operation Spin-Off.
Major Blake: Sorry, Prime Minister, it isn't launching for months. Barrowman's still in musical-theatre mode.
Jones: All right, activate Operation Relentless "Torchwood" Digressions and keep it going till he's ready.
Jones: Merry Christmas, viewers. Oh, and one more thing. Help! HELLP! Help help help! Thank you.
Rose: Mum, the Doctor won't wake up. He's abandoned me to die. And billions of other people, yeah. But mainly me.
Jackie: Well, did you say something to piss him off?
Jackie: That's what it always is with me. I say something constructive like "How's about a bath before coming over next time?" and I never hear from them again.
Rose: Wait, why I am I talking to you again?
Rose: Mickey, help me get the Doctor into the TARDIS. Mum, get some food. And some, oh, I dunno, tea might be good.
Jackie: Don't you have food dispensers in --
Jackie: Gotcha. I'll get the (wink) food, then.
Rose: And maybe some tea would be good.
Mickey: Wow, can you believe it! Proof of aliens at last!
Rose: Mickey, you get proof of aliens every time you see me! You're carrying one by the ankles, for Russell's sake!
Mickey: Yeah, but none of them thought to make their spaceships look like a huge honking clod of dirt! We're talking seriously wicked cool aliens now!
Rose: Wait, why I am I talking to you again?
Sycorax Leader: (over the comm) qoSlIj DatIvjaj!
Alex: According to the translation software, he's asking the leader of Earth to come aboard.
Jones: We won't be able to get through to Oprah in time, so it'll have to be me.
Sycorax Leader: Hab SoSlI' Quch!
Alex: He says, "Welcome to my ship."
Jones: That's very nice of you.
Sycorax Leader: nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'!
Alex: He also says, "Surrender Earth into slavery or your people on the roofs will be made to jump. You pick."
Jones: That's not so nice.
Llewellyn: May I die pointlessly now?
Major Blake: And me?
Sycorax Leader: HIja'!
Alex: He says yes.
Llewellyn and Blake: GAK!
Mickey: Mmm, tea. So what does this button do?
Rose: Um, that one sends an annoying bleeping noise through the comm systems of any nearby spaceships.
Mickey: Oh. Guess I shouldn't have pressed it then.
Sycorax Leader: tlhIngan Hol wIHaD net Sov!
Alex: He's saying the bleeping noise means we're hiding advanced alien technology. We must admit it or face torture.
Jones: If we admit it, can we avoid a season full of oblique Torchwood references?
Alex: I'm guessing no.
Jones: Then it's torture either way, I fear.
Jones: They're teleporting up the source of the bleeping -- the TARDIS! Rose! Mickey!
Rose: Hey, it's Harriet Jones, MP, Flydale North!
Jones: Prime Minister, dear.
Rose: Great gravy, what kind of alternate universe hell have we transported into? I mean, Hello.
Rose: I guess I have to be the Doctor. (ahem) Get off my world!
Sycorax Leader: Ha ha ha ha! You're hilarious. I think I want a Hummel figurine of you.
Rose: Wait, I can understand you! That means --
Doctor: Boom, baby!
Rose: You're awake! What happened?
Doctor: Well, remember that tea Mickey brought in?
Rose: You mean the chemicals in the tea rebalanced your mental processes?
Doctor: That would be ludicrous. No, when Mickey ran out of the TARDIS after you he dropped the Thermos on my head. Woke me right up.
Rose: I'll have to remember to carry around a heavy blunt object in case of a relapse, then.
Sycorax Leader: Who are you?
Doctor: I dunno yet. Who are you?
Sycorax Leader: We are the mighty Sycorax! We travel the galaxy, bluffing primitive worlds into slavery by pretending we can cause mass suicide!
Sycorax Leader: Damn. I always fall for that.
Sycorax Leader: I can still summon our armada and conquer Earth!
Doctor: Yes, but why? These people are just one jump ahead of the breadline. One swing ahead of the sword. They steal only what -- wait, that's Aladdin. But the point still stands!
Sycorax Leader: What point?
Doctor: Um -- (grabs a sword from a nearby Sycorax) this one!
Doctor: I challenge you to a duel for the fate of Earth!
Jones: Excuse me, don't we get a say --
Doctor: No. Sycorax leader, choose your weapons: swords or motorcycles?
Sycorax Leader: Swords, you loon.
Doctor: Darn, I'm better with motorcycles. En garde!
Sycorax Leader: Ha! You lose, Doctor. I just cut off your hand.
Doctor: 'Tis but a scratch.
Sycorax Leader: A scratch? Your hand's off!
Doctor: No, it isn't. (grows hand back)
Sycorax Leader: Yes it -- crap.
Doctor: Word of advice: Never sword-fight a regenerating Time Lord.
Sycorax Leader: I knew I shoulda picked motorcycles.
Doctor: Victory is mine. C'mon, Rose --
Sycorax Leader: Sez you! You will die now!
Doctor: Halt! Or I shall destroy you with this deadly -- er -- satsuma orange I just found in my pocket.
Rose: That settles it, you're definitely the Doctor.
Sycorax Leader: A satsuma? Ha ha hahahahaa--- aiiiieeeeeeeee!
Doctor: Never laugh your butt off standing on the edge of a spaceship, either.
Doctor: Nice of them to teleport us back down. You know, I think the Sycorax will never bother us again.
Jones: Too right. Alex, tell them to fire!
Sycorax Ship: KABLAMMO!
Jones: Ooo, spaceship go boom.
Doctor: Appalling. You know, I could bring you down with ten words.
Jones: Try it. Wait, where are you going?
Doctor: (to Alex, sotto voce) Don't you think she has a bit of a moustache?
Jones: What did you say? What -- Alex, what did he say? And why are you looking at me like that?
Rose: The press are calling it "Hormonegate." Doctor, you've done it again.
Doctor: Like the new outfit?
Rose: As long as you lay off the "Hai Karate" this time.
Doctor: Please, I've graduated up to "Brut."
Rose: Mum, is there still room for me in your flat?
(The new Doctor drags Rose along for yet more adventures at Ludicrous Speed)
Previous fiver: The Parting of the Ways
Next fiver: New Earth
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Scooter.
Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.
___ Five-Minute Doctor Who
___ ___ First Doctor
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "The Christmas Invasion"
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All material © 2006, Mark Wilson.