Five-Minute "The Gunfighters"
by Scooter

Billy Clanton: Here we are in the most ludicrous historical in Doctor Who history. Woohoo!
Phineas Clanton: You're forgetting "The Myth Makers."
Ike Clanton: Anyway, we're just here to ride past that big "O.K. Corral" sign, thereby giving away the entire plot of the episode.
Billy Clanton: I thought we were here to shoot things and sing godawful music.
Ike Clanton: It's great to be an Ugly American.

Dodo: What's wrong, Doctor?
Doctor: I have a toothache. We need top-notch dental facilities pronto.
Steven: We've landed in 19th century Arizona.
Doctor: Perfect!

Phineas: Doc Holliday sucks. He killed my brother Hoagie.
Billy: Reuben.
Phineas. Right. So we're here to kill him.
Billy: Shame we don't know what he looks like. Barkeep, do you know Doc Holliday?
Barkeeper: Holliday... Holliday... Oh yeah, I remember. Elderly chap. Long white hair, pointy nose. Haven't seen him in six months.

Ike: So, if we already planned this, why are we talking about it now?
Kate: I'm sure it's not so someone will overhear your dastardly plan. Well, I'm off to warn Holliday.
Ike: Buh-bye.

Steven and Dodo: We're dressed up like cowboys!
Doctor: You look ridiculous.
Wyatt Earp: I agree. You're under arrest.
Dodo: Who are you, the marshal?
Earp: No, fashion police. You're being charged under Section 3 of the Marty McFly Act.
Steven: Aw, I wanna be a cowboy. (sings) "Git along little dogies..."
Earp: Great gravy, just go away.

Doc Holliday: Hi, I'm an innocent dentist.
Earp: You're an incorrigible ne'er-do-well.
Doc: I swear there'll be no trouble while I'm here in Tombstone...
Kate: Doc! The Clantons are gonna gun you down like a dog!
Doc: ...starting tomorrow.

Kate: Doc, honey, why did you shoot Reuben, anyway?
Doc: He wouldn't stop singing "Holiday Road" from "National Lampoon's Vacation."
Kate: Good call.

Doctor: Hello? Is the dentist in?
Doc: I'll be right out. Just stick your hands in those thumbscrews there while you wait.
Doctor: I have a bad feeling about this.

Ike: Looking for Doc Holliday, la la la ... Hey, old timer! Are you the doctor who --
Doctor: Yes.
Ike: That was easy.
Doc: Glad I was still in back for that.

Steven: Three rooms, please.
Barkeeper: Name?
Steven: Er, my name is Underhill.

Doctor: Owie owie owie.
Doc: Here's your tooth, good sir. And as my first customer in Tombstone, you get these six-shooters free! Here, put 'em on.
Doctor: Since I'm in excruciating pain, I'll blithely submit to your suspicious suggestion.
Doc: Good man. Off you go!

Billy: You must be Doc Holliday's henchman.
Steven: I'm no gunfighter. I'd never even get near the spectre of a gun.
Billy: I don't believe you. All right, sucker, sing!
Steven: Aren't you supposed to be shooting at my feet?
Billy: That's "dance." But since you insist...

Steven: "O m' darlin', o m' darlin', o m' darlin' Clementiiiiiine...!"
Barkeeper: My brain is exploding! Make him stop!
Billy: Never! Bwhahahaha!

Doctor: What's all this then?
Phineas: It's --
Ike: -- Doc Holliday!
Steven: No it isn't.
Ike: Yes it is.
Steven: Isn't!
Ike: Is! Look, his guns are monogrammed "DH."
Doctor: Oh. Well, ignorant ruffian, clearly "DH" stands for ... er ... (points guns at Clantons) "Dis is a Holdup!"
Clantons: (gasp)
Earp: Nice save. Too bad holdups are illegal in this town. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
Doctor: It's a fair cop.
Earp: Don't talk to the camera.

Dodo: Are we still in this?
Kate: No. We're girls -- we have cooties.

Clanton gang: Come out of the jail, Holliday, or we'll string up Huckleberry Hound here.
Doctor: Meh.
Steven: Hey!

Barkeeper: Sorry to interrupt your lynching, but the real Doc Holliday just skipped town with a couple of dames.
Steven: Was one of them my friend Dodo?
Barkeeper: Dunno. Couldn't get too close. Cooties, you know.

Johnny Ringo: Hello, I'm a brutal killer for hire.
Doctor: We're looking for Doc Holliday. Wanna help?
Ringo: Sure.

Ringo: Hello, I'm a brutal killer for hire.
Phineas: We're gonna kill Doc Holliday. Wanna help?
Ringo: Okay...

Billy. You know, I haven't shot anyone in hours.
Ike: How 'bout the marshal's kid brother here?
Warren Earp: M-m-m-y b-brothers w-will av-v-enge m-me -- GAK!
Billy: Okay, I'm good for a while. Lay him down next to that Russian navigator over there.

Steven: No sign of Holliday, but there's his girlfriend.
Ringo: Hey! That's my girlfriend!
Kate: Uh oh.

Ike: Ringo, we told you to get Holliday, not his gal!
Ringo: She's purtier.
Phineas: That's it, you're out of the band.

Wyatt Earp: Doctor, I'm making you a deputy.
Doctor: Thank you. Your plan to have a showdown with the Clantons is preposterous!
Earp: You're fired.

Doc: I'm back.
Earp: Were you away?
Doc: And I've brought back Dodo as well.
Doctor: Sigh. I was born under a malignant star.

Earp: Those Clantons are gonna pay for killing my brother Warren.
Phineas: Holliday and those Earps are gonna pay for killing my brother Tuna Melt.
Holliday: That Johnny Ringo's gonna pay for stealing my gal.
Ringo: They're all morons. I'm going to use the Clantons as bait, then fall on the Earps from behind. Everybody dies! Yeehah!
Steven: Note to self: Invent Kevlar. Immediately.

Ike: Time for the showdown. You'll never catch me alive, coppers -- GAK!
Reuben: Death before dishonor -- GAK!
Billy: 'Tis a far, far better thing I do -- GAK!
Ringo: I'd like to be under the sea in an octopus's garden with -- GAK!

Chekov: What a crummy episode. At least ours had a cool hypnosis scene.
Steven: At least ours had sets.
Chekov: ...And endless, awful singing. We never did that.
Doctor: You're forgetting "The Way to Eden."
Chekov: I try to, anyway.

Doctor: Come, Steven and Dodo, we must leave this place. Your final episodes await!
Steven: I knew this one would ruin my career. Any chance of a cool departure scene?
Doctor: Yes, yes, now come along.
Dodo: What about me? Do I get one too?
Doctor: I'd sooner fall into a black star. Or listen to Steven sing again.
Dodo: You are one crotchety old man.
(Dodo pouts at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 5, 2004.

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All material © 2004, Mark Wilson.