Five-Minute "The Stones of Blood"
by Curt Rozeboom
Doctor: Oh, how I like a good jigsaw puzzle!
Romana: Oh, yes!
Romana: Of course the ones with only two pieces can be quite difficult...
Doctor: Maybe I need... a jigsaw?
Romana: So Doctor, what's our next destination?
Doctor: Like Mr. Fibuli, I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count.
Druids: Cadillac, Cadillac, Caddilac!
De Vries: How many times do I have to tell you morons, its CAL-LI-ACH!
Druids: Cardiac, Cardiac, Cardiac!
De Vries: Oh, just feed this blood to the stones!
Ogri: Mm, tastes like chicken!
White Guardian: Beware... beware the agents of the Black Guardian... watch the speaker credits!
Romana: That was vaguely menacing. Should we be concerned about these agents, Doctor?
Doctor: Oh no, not for at least three more episodes.
Doctor: Where does the Trixter indicate the third segment is?
Trixter: You're getting warmer, getting warmer...
Romana: Over by those stones that are just past these large indentations.
Doctor: I wonder, what could have made these?
Romana: It must be huge. The microscopic density meter in my heels is reading very high!
Doctor: I don't see a density meter in your heel...
Romana: I told you, it's microscopic!
Trixter: Ha ha, fooled you! You're so stone cold!
Professor Amelia Rumford: If you're going to do a survey, you should bring proper tools, you know.
Vivien Fay: And the proper footwear, though those shoes are to die for.
Romana: Thank you, er... what did you say your names were?
Amelia: I'm Professor Amelia Rumford and this is Vivien Fay.
Vivien: We're studying Druid mythology, like you!
Doctor: Your methods wouldn't include making a blood sacrifice, would they?
Amelia: If you're interested in a blood sacrifice, you should visit the land owner, Mr. De Vries.
Vevien: Yes, I'm sure he'd love to invite you to one!
Doctor: Sounds like a thrill. Romana, care to take ground density measurements for the next three miles?
Romana: Meh. I think I'll stay behind and work with these womyn on my burgeoning feminism.
Doctor: Suit yourself!
De Vries: I've been expecting you Doctor!
Doctor: Really, I don't even expect me!
De Vries: Let's just say a little birdie told me.
Doctor: Did your little birdie remove that artwork missing from your wall?
De Vries: No, but it did do something unspeakable to them. So, they're out for cleaning.
Doctor: I imagine they must be quite good.
De Vries: Unfortunately, X-rays show every one has "This is a Fake" written underneath!
Doctor: Now what kind of bohemian vandal would do such a dastardly thing?
De Vries: My little birdie is telling me it was you! (WHACK!)
Amelia: Well Romana, we're leaving. Why don't you join us? It can be a bit dangerous out here...
Romana: I can handle myself. I'm not a pre-cent-olescent or anything!
Amelia: ...Druid sacrifices, treacherous cliffs, unstable stones...raven droppings...
Doctor's Voice: Romana!
Romana: Doctor! I thought you'd dropped off the face of the planet!
Doctor/Calliach: Funny you should say that... (PUSH!)
Romana: I say, you couldn't lower or rope or something, could you?
Doctor/Calliach: What? She didn't fall? Inconceivable!
Druids: Cognac, Cognac, Cognac!
De Vries: (sigh) Fellow druids, it is time to make a virgin sacrifice!
Martha: No! Not this innocent life! Take me instead!
De Vries: I said, this is a virgin sacrifice!
Doctor: Un-GAK! Watch where that knife points, De Vries. It looks dangerous!
De Vries: There are far more dangers here, Doctor! Unstable stones, treacherous cliffs...
Doctor: An old woman on a bicycle...
Druids: Bicycle! That's the secret word! Everyone to your cars!
Amelia: Bugger, it's like high-school all over again.
Doctor: Dr. Rumford, where's Daphne...er Romana?
Amelia: Jinkies! Look, her shoes! Oh, if only we had a goofy, talking, Great Dane!
Doctor: Zoinks! What do you say we go for 2 out of 3?
Doctor: K-9, guess what I need you to do?
K-9: Track the mistress by the smell of her feet and save her sorry ass? Done and done, master.
Romana: Can't . . . hold . . . on . . . much . . . longer!
K-9: Companion worthlessness rating 9.0, mistress.
Romana: Oh shove it, K-9! Did you bring someone to help or are you just here to mock me?
Doctor: Both, apparently. Here, take my scarf.
Romana: No! Ooh, on second thought, yes.
Doctor: Now, if you paid attention, you'd have noticed the speaker credits change...
Together: ...which is a power of the third segment!
Romana: K-9, how can someone change speaker credits if they're not the fiver-writer?
K-9: (thinking) (whirr...whirr...whirr...)
Romana: Ha, companion worthlessness rating 9.1! Nyahh!
Doctor: Romana, where's the tracer? Give it another try.
Trickster: Whoo, gettin' hot doc!
Doctor: You hide that thing in a different place every time, don't you?
Romana: I'm trying to figure out where on my body it feels the best to keep it.
Vivien: I could make a suggestion.
Doctor: Er...Romana, go with the professor to her home. There may be a clue, there.
Amelia: Goody! Hop on my spare bike seat, Romana, we've got pie!
Romana: Ooh pie! Wait, there's no extra seat there, just a post!
Vevien: Oh buck up, I ride on it all the time.
Martha: Steven, one of the stones from the circle has followed us home!
De Vries: Ravens droppings! You feed them once and you can never get rid of them.
Martha: Wait, it's not coming across the patio, it's going to use the front door!
De Vries: Well, I did install an Ogri-flap, so I can only blame myself for strays.
Doctor: We seem to have missed the party, K-9.
K-9: There is a trail of silicon on the floor, master.
Doctor: Silicon? (lick) That's not silicon, that's... whoa!
K-9: The trail leads out that door to the patio, master.
Doctor: My hands are so big...patio, K-9? Those are just stones from the circle.
Ogri: Renovation crew, coming through! Whoops, watch your head!
K-9: Now is my chance to prove I am the Doctor's most useful companion! (ZAP!)
Ogry: Ouch! This little puppy's bark isn't worse than his bite!
K-9: Come back and finish your facelift! Ever hear you look like Michelangelo's David?
Ogries: Here puppy, nice puppy, who's a good little puppy? OK guys, get 'im!
Doctor: Un-Re-Almost-GAK! K-9, we need a holiday...K-9?
Romana: So, you say that feminism is a recent development here, then?
Vivien: Oh, yes. I've been supporting it, myself, for many years.
Romana: So, why was this area owned by women for 700 years, until Mr. De Vries?
Amelia: She's right Vivien! We've let our sisters down! To the bicycles!
Vevien: I'll stay behind, I...have some pets to tend to. Take my bike, Romana.
Romana: Would you mind if I put the seat back on, first?
Romana: Doctor, what happened to K-9?
Doctor: The Ogri. They...shoved too many sheets into his paper tray!
K-9: Error 13.9 Paper jam. Press form feed to clear or contact technical support.
Romana: I solved this problem lots during my support job at Best Buy: Gallifrey.
Doctor: Brilliant! Romana, you're my most useful companion ever!
Romana: (to K-9) See?
Amelia: There's no clues here anywhere, Shaggy... I mean Doctor.
Doctor: No clues... wait! That's the clue! The missing paintings!
Amelia: Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence, Doctor.
Doctor: Here's my theory. The Calliach's birds soiled the paintings so they'd be taken down...
Amelia: What are you a doctor of again? Complexity theory, or something?
Doctor: ...and then the birds flew the coop out the secret bird door... here!
Vevien: Hey, Romana! Party at the stone circle!
Roman: Well, I don't...
Vevien: Come on, it'll totally take you to a new dimension!
Amelia: Doctor, would you care to shed some light on what's going on?
Doctor: Gladly! Look, here are the supposedly soiled paintings. See anything weird about them?
Amelia: I can just barely make out the words "This is a fake" under the paint of each one.
Doctor: Besides that! They're of the same woman under different names!
Amelia: Jinkies! It's Vivien!
Ogri: Hey! Those are for the auction next week, no previews!
Amelia: Oh how droll, I've always wanted a pet rock!
Doctor: A pet rock that drinks your blood?
Ogri: Feed me, Seymore!
Doctor: Here Ogri-ogri-ogri! Get the stick, get it boy, fetch!
Ogri: Wilhelm! AAAAH!
Amelia: Vivien, you're the Calliach? I'm shocked!
Doctor: I'm not! I knew all a-- OW! That did shock me!
Vevien: Would it shock you to learn that I have Romana hostage in hyperspace?
Doctor: I told that girl not to cross dimensional boundaries without my permission!
Doctor: Dr. Rumford, do you know if Miss Fay has any mcguffinite crystals at home?
Amelia: Well... yes, my policy was don't ask, don't tell.
Doctor: Perfect, they'll allow us to build a hyperspatial bridge to the correct dimension!
Amelia: But, that's absurd. You might as well get there with a large room inside a small box!
Doctor: Okay, let's not point out plot holes when we've got an extra big effects budget to use.
Amelia: Doctor tell me, are you from outer space?
Doctor: No, I'm from rural Gallifrey. I only work in outer space.
Doctor: Alright, Amelia do you know what to do?
Amelia: I flip the what's-it switch when the doo-dad read-out reaches 37 for 30 seconds.
Doctor: Excellent, K-9?
K-9: If the Ogri show their faces, I carve them a new one, Master.
Doctor: And don't forget, I asked for a Venus De Milo, too. Okay, here I goooooo...
Doctor: ...oooo! Phew! Now I know what it's like to be the TARDIS!
Vivien/Cessair: Oh, someone always knocks on my hyper-doorway during my mud bath
Romana: (singing) NoBODy knows, the trouble I've seen...
Doctor: You never told me you were a bass!
Amelia: The Ogri are leaving, K-9, you wore them out!
K-9: We decided to call it a draw while we recharged our batteries.
Amelia: Oh, I wonder what kind of batteries the Ogri need... oh wait, that's right.
Ogri: Hello, coppertops!
Romana: The segment may be behind these locked doors. Is your "sonic" screwdriver up to it?
Doctor: Sonic, shmonic, this is just a cheap plastic lock. (BASH!)
Romana: Oh my, did we just release Tinkerbell?
Doctor: Well, I didn't clap my hands, I only broke the seals and...
Megara 1: We are the Megara justice pixies. For breaking the great seals...
Megara 2: ...and interrupting the awesome (YAWN) dream I was having, man...
Megara 1: ...you will stand trial for your entire race!
Megara 2: (YAWN) Man, 4000 years of solitude and he thinks we're the Q!
Megara 1: He has broken the law and must be tried! Will you take up his defense?
Megara 2: Uh, if the glove don't fit you must acquit?
Megara 1: Heard it.
Doctor: Look, you're wasting valuable space in the fiver, let's cut to the next scene, shall we?
Amelia: Well K-9, we've been fishing in hyperspace for an hour now. One more cast?
Vivien/Cessair: That's it! I can't tolerate any more mudbath interruptions! (ZAP!)
Hyperspace ray: KABLOOEY!
Vivien/Cessair: And just so you know, I'm releasing the hounds!
Vivien/Cessair: Going somewhere, Doctor? Why don't you try my sense deprivation chamber... of death!
Megara 1: The Doctor will have time to enjoy your spa treatments after his execution!
Doctor: Objection! If I'm getting pampered, I'd much prefer it before my trial.
Megara 2: We have already conducted our own mini "Trial of a Time Lord", seconds ago.
Megara 1: As opposed to taking a whole season. Now it's time for "Execution of a Time Lord."
Doctor: Objection, I request that you first hear the "Appeal of a Time Lord."
Megara 2: Darn, I hate it when they do that!
Amelia: It's fortunate for us that I keep a microscopic hyperay regenerator at the cottage.
K-9: I don't see a hyperay regenerator...
Amelia: I told you it's microscopic!
Doctor: I call Miss Romanad'verat-relundar to the stand.
Megara 1: While you were saying her name we swore her in, took her measurements and deposed her. Next!
Romana: Why do I feel violated?
Doctor: Romana, why don't you find something useless to do. I call Miss Fay, then.
Vivien/Cessair: I'd like my own council, the Ogri to... get me out!...
Megara 1: (ZAPs Ogri) Did we mention trying to escape testifying means instant death?
Vivien: Present! I do! With I, the Calliach, as my witness!
Doctor: Shouldn't you scan Miss Fay for deposition?
Megara 2: Meh.
Doctor: But, but, that's not fair! Won't you pretty please, with ice-cream on top?
Megara 1: And a cherry?
Doctor: And a cherry.
Megara: Sorry, we hate cherries, request denied.
Vivien/Cessair: Ha ha!
Romana: Leaving hyperspace... hmmm, click my heels three times? No. Step into a purple vortex...
Amelia: Romana, your back... er, watch your back, there's an Ogri slowly approaching!
Romana: Run, we've only enough time to do something useless before it catches us!
Doctor: Okay, admittedly that was a ruse. But now I call to the stand, the Megara!
Megara 1: What the? How can he? Can he?
Megara 2: Yep, he's got us dead to rights, dude.
Doctor: Why are you here?
Megara 2: Why are any of us here, man? What is the meaning of the universe?
Megara 1: He means our mission, idiot. To try Cessair of Diplos for crimes against the universe.
Doctor: She is Cessair of Diplos! Check her speaker credit!
Vivien Fay: My speaker credit clearly shows I am Vivien Fay of #9 Bagshot Row.
Doctor: That's not what it was two paragraphs ago. I request the Megara examine her lines!
Megara 1: Okay, this is just getting too silly for me. Goodbye Doctor.
Doctor: Alright, Viv, you win, let's shake on it.
Megara 2: (ZAP!)
Megara 1: Nice shot, butter fingers.
Romana: I've found something completely useless against Vivien!
Amelia: What is it?
Romana: Unlike the other beings on this planet, she is not a Stupid Lemon Eater!
Doctor: Un-last-time-this-episode-really-Almost-GAK! Am I in heaven?
Megara 1: Nope, it's hyperspace.
Doctor: Well, then you'd better check out Miss Fay, wink wink, nudge nudge...
Megara 2: Say no more, Doctor. Wait, this IS Cessair of Diplos!
Cessair: Pay no attention to the corrected speaker credit!
Megara 2: Oh, that was a really poor crack at a Wizard of Oz!
Megara 1: Alright, I've had it with you people! Everyone off the ship, now!
Cessair: Can't I just finish my mud bath, uninterrupted?
Doctor: Well, you can't wear jewelry during a mud bath can you? (YOINK!)
Megara 1: You'll have time for a beauty nap during your indefinite sentence as a stone!
Megara 2: And now Doctor, for your long-overdue sentencing...
Doctor: Which we're just going to have to delay a little longer, bye bye!
Third Segment: POOF!
Amelia: Well Doctor, you've inspired me to renew my life's work.
Doctor: Really, how so?
Amelia: That's how long I'll need to explain what happened to the circle!
(Professor Rumford makes anthopology history at Ludicrous Speed)
Previous fiver: The Pirate Planet
Next fiver: Full Circle
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Curt Rozeboom.
Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.
___ Five-Minute Doctor Who
___ ___ Fourth Doctor
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "The Stones of Blood"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.
All material © 2006, Curtis L. Rozeboom.