Five-Minute "The Three Doctors"
by Chancellor Valium
Mr Ollis: Ooo, arr, ooo arr. Here be weather balloon orange box toiype thing, ooo arr.
Orange Box: Fizz, Crackle WEEE!
Mr Ollis: Disappear, ooo arr.
Doctor Smith: Blah blah BLAH, blah blah. Blah BLAH blah blah blah blah, Mr. Ollis, blah blah.
Doctor Smith: I'll just develop these plates. You can go away now.
Brigadier: Certainly. No supervision necessary. We're only a top-secret para-idiotic organization, you know.
Doctor Smith: With a ruddy great sign out the front?
Multi-Coloured Blob: I am the beast that eats all who point out Doctor Who logic errors.
Doctor Smith: How can a superimposed blob eat an entire -- AUUUGHH!
Brigadier: Sergeant, tear this base apart until you find Doctor Smith, and bring me his moustache!
Brigadier: Mine's coming off again. Hop to it!
Brigadier: So it was nasty to you?
Jo: Ooh, it was a howwid meanie, and it ate the Doctor's car!
Doctor: Now, let me look at this plate of what appears to be Mr. Ollis in a cosmic ray.
Brigadier: Well, it looks like a plate of Mr Ollis in a cosmic ray,
Jo: It smells like a plate of Mr Ollis trapped in a cosmic ray,
Doctor: Yes, and furthermore, it tastes like a plate of Mr Ollis trapped in a cosmic ray!
Brigadier: Let me try a slice! MMmm, Doctor, this plate is delicious!
Bubblewrap Monsters: Wop! DIEDIEDIE--
Soldiers: Okay, we get the idea already! GAK!
Admiral Ackbar: It's a TRAP! All troops, pull up!
Doctor: Right, Benton, Joe, come with me. Brigadier, you stand around being a useless plonker.
Doctor: Ooh. The TARDIS can't move! I'll have to call the Time Lords!
Intergalactic Operator: May I help you?
Doctor: I'm trying to reach Gallifrey, in the constellation of Kasterborous, via Mars relay 2-4-7.
Intergalactic Operator: All right, but we are experiencing violent storm conditions in the asteroid belt at this time. We may lose this valuable deep space communication link.
Chancellor: Apparently the Doctor is being attacked by monsters.
Lord President: And this is news in what way?
Chancellor: They're anniversary special monsters.
Lord President: Fine. Send himself to help himself... or something...
Second Doctor: Hello everybody!
Jo: Doctor, who's he?
Both Doctors: That's right.
Second Doctor: Well you see, Jo, you're incredibly thick and would never understand, so I'm not going to bother trying to explain to you.
Jo: That means -- you must be the Doctor!
Third Doctor: Now will you explain what you're doing here, before I speechify?
Second Doctor: Um, no. You see, this fiver is already too long, any more lines and it'll look more like a script.
Brigadier: Disposable Corporal, blow that thing to bits!
Bubblewrap Monsters: DIEDIEDIE--
Disposable Corporal: It's no use sir!
Brigadier: Fall back!
Disposable Corporal: Yessi--GAK!
Brigadier: No, that's falling forward! Idiot.
Lord President: Well, sending him himself was a fiasco. Let's try the same mistake again!
Chancellor: You can't possibly do this! This might almost involve doing shudders work!
Lord President: It's a risk I'm willing to take. Flunky, move him to the TARDIS.
Flunky: I can't, my lord, he got trapped in a spacetime pyramid paperweight thing.
Lord President: I hate it when that happens.
Both Doctors: Bicker, bicker bicker, argue argue argue.
First Doctor: (over the scanner) Hello. I'm stuck in a Cosmic Plot-Device. But I can still berate you.
Third Doctor: Psst, Jo. Maybe if we let ourselves get sucked through the cosmic ray, we'll be out of range.
Jo: Good thinking.
Second Doctor: Well, the CSO blob doesn't appear to be doing anything, so let's build some piece of junk to keep it amused. Bring me some cardboard tubes, some old toothpaste tube tops, umm, a 9 volt battery, a three-pin plug and some sticky-backed-plastic.
Brigadier: Now look here, Doct-- Hey! You've changed! Unbelievable!
Second Doctor: You want "unbelievable"? Stick around, you haven't seen anything yet.
Third Doctor: Come on -- Ooh, look there's the car -- where shall we go?
Jo: Um, Tower of Rassilon?
Third Doctor: Wrong anniversary story quarry.
Second Doctor: Yes, it is bigger inside than out, isn't it?
Brigadier: So this is what you've been wasting my money on!
Second Doctor: Relax, I billed it through under "Benton's Porn Movie."
Benton: Hey! No one's supposed to know about that.
First Doctor: (over the scanner) Psst, the Third Doctor is ahead of you in the plot.
Second Doctor: He's going to steal the episode! I'd better do something drastic.
Benton: Like sending a letter of protest to the producers?
Second Doctor: I was thinking more like letting that CSO blob out there eat us and all of UNIT HQ.
Brigadier: I like Benton's better.
Bubblewrap Monsters: Floop!
UNIT HQ House: Ditto!
Square Black Hole: (looks around for applause, not a sausage)
Brigadier: Time to get separated. See you at the (cough) climax!
Second Doctor: But --
Bubblewrap Monsters: Welcome to Shell Beach. Passports?
Second Doctor: Er --
Bubblewrap Monsters: (sigh) Come with us.
Third Doctor: Hey! We've stopped. I wonder why?
Jo: Maybe so we can have a little bit of character development?!
Third Doctor: Now look, Jo. This script was clearly written by someone with mayonnaise for brains. And mayonnaise cannot do character development.
Jo: My bad.
Omega: I am OMEGA! Bwahahaha!
Third Doctor: Omega! You are worshipped like a hero on Gallifrey.
Omega: Hero? I should be worshipped as a major deity!
Third Doctor: We're monotheistic.
Omega: Silence while I'm speechifying!
Second Doctor: Why can't you just leave?
Omega: It's the lease. It states that one real person must inhabit the black hole at any time. If I leave I'll be eradicated for breach of contract. Now... help me take this mask off...
Second Doctor: Um, no. You see, it's superglued on... and, uhh, we didn't bring anything to un-superglue it with. Sorry.
Omega: In that case I must hurt you badly.
Third Doctor: Let's get the forcefield out of the console, then. Oh my! Look!
Second Doctor: Behold, the Device for Defeating Omega in a Black Hole of Rassilon!
All: Oooooooh! Shiny!
Omega: (over the scanner) Omega residence, Omega speaking.
Third Doctor: Ground control here. Is that Major Tom? (suppresses snicker)
Omega: (over the scanner) And they wonder why I hate Time Lords. What do you want?
Second Doctor: We want to be able to move our TARDIS again to get to your inner sanctum.
Omega: And you promise you haven't got some random artifact from Rassilon?
Third Doctor: Oh no, of course not.
Omega: Are you crossing your fingers?
Second Doctor: Here we are. Now, let these people go home.
Benton: Yay, a circular flume of dry ice! Just like my mom's!
Brigadier: I keep forgetting you mother is also a trapped antimatter celestial engineer.
Benton: Yeah, but after she retired all she cared about was beanie babies. Antimatter beanie babies, of course...
Third Doctor: Now, Omega, feel the power of the Device for Defeating Omega in a Black Hole of Rassilon!
Omega: NO! THIS CANNOT BE!
Second Doctor: Tough nuts.
Omega: I shall return! Somehow! And chase you through some below-sea-level city in 20th century Europe!
Third Doctor: Yeah, that's likely. Bye now!
Jo: So there goes the first-ever multi-Doctor special. What a pile of dingo's kidneys that was.
First Doctor: (over the scanner) And yet it will be remembered so fondly that it will be attempted twice again.
Third Doctor: Now I know you're senile.
(The Third Doctor enjoys being rid of his predecessors at Ludicrous Speed)
Previous fiver: Spearhead from Space
Next fiver: The Hand of Fear
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Chancellor Valium.
Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.
___ Five-Minute Doctor Who
___ ___ Third Doctor
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "The Three Doctors"
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All material © 2006, Chancellor Valium.