Five-Minute "Tooth and Claw"
by WatcherMark

Father Angelo: Let us in here now!
Steward: Nothing you can say will make me let you in here.
Father Angelo: I won't say anything, I'll just let my cool karate monks whup you six ways from Sunday.
Steward: After careful consideration, I've decided to let you in.

Father Angelo: Stay here, and look at what's in this cage.
Lady Isobel: AAAIIEEEEE!
Steward: It's only a bloke in a black cloak. Why are you screaming?
Lady Isobel: Don't ask me. But it's a good lead-in to the opening credits.

Rose: So you think we'll make it to this concert?
Doctor: Don't worry, old reliable here will get us there.
TARDIS: Old reliable, huh? We'll soon see about that!

Rose: Aww... we're in Scotland, one hundred years in the past.
Doctor: Oh well, what's the worst that could happen?
Captain Reynolds: Don't move, or we'll shoot you and the naked girl!
Doctor: Right on cue!

Doctor: Rose, meet Queen Victoria.
Queen Victoria: Pleasure to meet you, young lady, and I don't mind you wearing that inappropriate top.
Rose: Thanks. I must admit, it is a problem with me.

Doctor: My name is Doctor James McCrimmon, and I come from the town of Balamory. Here, check my psychic paper.
Queen Victoria: It says here you studied under PC Plum?
Doctor: Erm... yeah, he was great. Taught me everything I needed to know about tracking down bikes for sultry nursery teachers.

Doctor: The Queen needs a bodyguard. She's always having assasination attempts. Ace and I stopped a guy from killing her once when I was played by Sylvester McCoy.
Rose: Really, what happened?
Doctor: Trust me, it's a very complicated story!

Sir Robert: Welcome to Torchwood Estate, your majesty. Maybe you shouldn't stop here. My suspicious looking servants are quite busy as it is.
Queen Victoria: Don't be silly, Sir Robert. You're no good at dropping hints, and I've got an ominous box that needs storing. Where's Lady Isobel?
Sir Robert: She's a bit tied up at the moment. Really, really tied up. In fact you could say she's chained up in the cellar.
Doctor: What you two do in private is your own business.

Queen Victoria: This must be the telescope Deus Ex Machina.
Doctor: It's totally rubbish. I can't see anything out of it.
Rose: Maybe if you took the lens cap off --
Doctor: I don't like this telescope. Let's never come back unless it's a matter of life and death.

Guard: We need to keep vigilant! Somebody might try and kill the Queen. We musn't let anything distract or tempt us.
Disguised Monk: Fancy a drink?
Guard: Oh yeah, I'm parched. This guard duty is harder than it... ZZZZ!

Rose: Wow, nice dress, maybe there's something better in here. Hey, who are you and what are you doing in here?
Flora: Sssshhhhh... I shouldn't talk about it.
Rose: Oh, not another plumber.

Rose: Come on, we'll find the Doctor. He can do anything.
Monk: Could he rescue you from the cellar in the nick of time?
Rose: I'm sure he'd -- oh.

Doctor: So there's a werewolf around here. What makes you think that?
Sir Robert: Several things. Livestock ripped apart, boys going missing, the posters of Seth Green and Michael J. Fox littered around the countryside.
Queen Victoria: What do you think, Angelo?
Father Angelo: Who's afraid of the big bad wolf, big bad wolf, big bad wolf...
Doctor: Oh, I love people who speak in riddles.

Rose: Who are you, strange man with the black eyes?
The Host: Who are you, strange girl who could survive being inhabited by the Time Vortex for five minutes while the Ninth Doctor didn't survive having it for five seconds?
Rose: Oh, I hate people who speak in riddles.

Father Angelo: It's too late. The wolf will rise, and your perky companion will be its food.
Doctor: Oh great. I love races against time.
Sir Robert: I'm really sorry. They've got my wife, I had no choice.
Doctor: That's understandable, but we'll all hate you anyway for dramatic tension.

The Host: Yay, moonlight! Okay, here goes. GGGRRROOOWWWLLL!
Rose: Right everyone, we can either stay here and wet ourselves from fear, or we can get out of here.
Steward: Well, it's a little late for me on the wet ourselves part, but hey, let's get out of here anyway.

Father Angelo: You're gonna be a wolf. Better start your fur fittings now.
Queen Victoria: The joke is on you, baldy. I happen to be carrying a gun.
Father Angelo: Oh please. A member of the Royal Family would never kill another person.
Queen Victoria: Tell that to the Diana conspiracy theorists.
Gun: BANG!

Doctor: Don't worry, I'm here in the nick of time.
Rose: Where the hell have you been?
Doctor: Hey, don't worry, I wouldn't have let you die.
Rose: I know that. We had a betting pool on how quick you'd get here. If you'd arrived ten seconds earlier I'd have won!

Wolf: Grrrrr...
Doctor: Wow, you're kinda pretty. Maybe if you'd stop running towards me so fast, I'd get a better look at... in fact, I'll run too.

Steward: Come on. Let's shoot this thing.
Steward: It can't have survived that. In fact, I think I'll wander over here and look around.
Wolf: Up here.
Steward: Oh, there you... AAARRRGGGHHH!

Lady Isobel: Oh no! There's the wolf! WE'RE GONNA DIE!
Wolf: Yuck! Mistletoe. Oh well, I'll go after the other lot.
Lady Isobel: Hey, the wolf doesn't like mistletoe. Quick everyone, get me some mistletoe and wine.
Maid: Is the wolf allergic to wine too?
Lady Isobel: No, it's just been that sort of a day.

Queen Victoria: Right, I've got my ominous box! Let's go hide.
Captain Reynolds: Your majesty, before I die fighting the werewolf, I just wanna say one thing.
Queen Victoria: Go ahead.
Captain Reynolds: I really hate Sir Robert.
Sir Robert: Damn me and my wife-saving ways.

Sir Robert: The mistletoe is keeping the wolf out. It's ingrained into the wall.
Doctor: Wow, your dad was pretty smart.
Sir Robert: Thanks, Doctor.
Doctor: Don't worry, I still hate you though.
Sir Robert: Aww...

Rose: We need to try and stop the werewolf. Do we have weapons?
Doctor: Weapons? We're in a library. We have books! The greatest weapons in the world.
Sir Robert: You're right. We should look through the books and try and find a solution.
Doctor: That's a great idea! I was just gonna suggest we chuck the books at the wolf.

Rose: Wow, nice diamond. For a gigantic fist-sized diamond it's pretty small though.
Queen Victoria: I know, my hisband kept getting it shrunk down. It doesn't make any sense.
Doctor: Oh course, it all makes sense. The crap telescope, the crap diamond, the crap guy's dad putting mistletoe on the wall. It fits perfectly in a convoluted Scooby-Doo sort of way!
Wolf: Hello, can you look up here? I'm gonna do my Batman impression.

Wolf: Wolfie's gonna get ya! Wolfie's gonna get ya!
Lady Isobel: Take this, vile fiend.
Sir Robert: Hey, don't chuck that on me.
Lady Isobel: I was talking to the wolf.
Sir Robert: Sorry, just everyone hates me. I guess I'm being paranoid.
Doctor: Hey! Vile fiend! Are you coming or not?

Sir Robert: I'll stay here and guard the door.
Doctor: Okay, I guess you're not so bad.
Sir Robert: Oh, and tell my wife I love her and...
Doctor: Hey, do you wanna die or not?

Doctor: Basically, the rubbish telescope is a weapon. We can use it to kill Professor Lupin out there.
Rose: Huh? How would that work?
Doctor: Beats me, but it's bound to look pretty.

Sir Robert: GAK!
Wolf: Hello Queen. Time to turn you into a --
Diamond: ZAP!
Wolf's Host: I would have got away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.

Queen Victoria: I knight you Sir Doctor of TARDIS and you Dame Rose of Powell Estates.
Rose: Wow, I am so honoured.
Queen Victoria: Thank you for saving my life. Can I just ask, what happens in the last episode?
Rose: I'm not telling you that.
; Queen Victoria: How dare you! Leave my kingdom and never return!

Doctor: Oh well, another adventure over. Let's go.
Rose: Just promise me you won't reference any more of your old companions.
Doctor: Don't worry about it. I guarantee there won't be any more references...
Rose: Good.
Doctor: ...after next week's episode. Ha!

Lady Isobel: I'm going to sell this house.
Queen Victoria: I've got a better idea. I will use this house to create an institute I will call... the Bad Wolf Institute!
Lady Isobel: What a stupid name.
Queen Victoria: Or the Torchwood Institute, whatever.
(The spin-off series is set up at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on July 14, 2006.

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All material © 2006, WatcherMark.