Medical Log: Major Kira and I are returning from the first Bajoran colony in the Gamma Quadrant -- New Roanoke. I do hope somebody goes back to check on them soon....
Kira: Mind if I meditate?
Bashir: Go right ahead. I'll just sit here and watch.
Bashir: Er... watch the controls. You know, I'm glad we've had this opportunity to spend time together; perhaps over the years we might grow to be close friends, or even--
Kira: Lemme guess; you're finally getting frustrated with Jadzia.
Kira: Thank God, we're almost home!
Kira: Great, what was that?
Bashir: Maybe we were beamed aboard a holographic replica of the runabout.
Kira: Now that's a likely possibility. Exiting the wormhole, and --
Bashir: No station! I knew it, the program must not be complete! I bet it was the --
(Two Klingons beam aboard)
Klingon: You are under arr-- Eep! Our sincerest apologies, your royal sexiness. We will escort you to the station.
(The Klingons beam back)
Bashir: -- Klingons.
Bashir: Found the station!
Garak: No you didn't, we had you escorted here. And you're imposters.
Kira: Are not!
Mirror Kira: Are too.
Mirror Kira: You know, you two are awfully familiar....
Kira: I thought that much was obvious.
Mirror Kira: No, no. Eh, just a plot point I'll reveal later. Get to work, Terran scum.
Bashir: What? No!
(Bashir is dragged away)
Kira: You know, I think I may learn to like it here....
Mirror Odo: Ah, good. New acquisitions. You are a protocol droid are you not?
Bashir: I am Julian Bashir, human --
Mirror Odo: Yes or no will do.
Bashir: Oh. Well, yes.
Mirror Odo: How many languages do you speak?
Bashir: I am fluent in over six million forms of communication and can readily --
Mirror Odo: Splendid. We have been without an interpreter since our master got angry with our last protocol droid and disintegrated him.
Bashir: Disintegrated? Ohh!
Mirror Odo: Guards -- this protocol droid is trash. Fit him with a restraining bolt and take him back down to her excellency's main ore-processing plant.
Mirror Bashir: Miles! Don't leave me!
Mirror O'Brien: Sigh.
Mirror Kira: So, ready for revelation of Plot Point A?
Kira: "A"? As in "alternate"?
Mirror Kira: Cute. Actually, funny you should mention that. Ever heard of Kirk?
Kira: I'm sorry, no.
Mirror Kira: Uncultured swine! As if it weren't painfully obvious by our names here, you're in the "mirror universe."
Kira: Does that mean you're left-handed?
Mirror Kira: What? No, of course not. It just means I have to kill you, though I'd rather not; violence isn't my thing. Sex, on the other hand....
Kira: I hope you aren't insinuating anything.
Mirror Kira: You never can tell with me.
Kira: Hey, ever heard of a "Kirk" before?
Bashir: Uncultured swine! I can't believe you don't know; this is all about the transporter accident!
Kira: Well I'm glad one of us is into Corny... I mean, Classic Trek.
Bashir: It was the episode where he was split into two versions of himself -- one good, one evil. We must be in a universe full of evil guys!
Kira: Plausible enough.
Kira: Hey, Quark --
Mirror Quark: I'll get you a new belt, I swear!
Kira: I'm not the Intendant.
Mirror Quark: Oh. In that case, could I by any chance interest you in a new belt?
Kira: How about a transporter?
Mirror Quark: Sorry, I only deal in belts -- much less risky.
Mirror Garak: Quark! You are under arrest for transporting illegal Terran refugees!
Mirror Quark: Hmm.... Tough luck, Alice.
Bashir: Hey pal!
Mirror O'Brien: I'm not your friend.
Bashir: Do you know enough about transporters to get us outta here?
Mirror O'Brien: Maybe, but --
Bashir: Hey pal!
Mirror Sisko: Hi, I'm a pirate. Wanna make out?
Kira: I'd rather not.
Mirror O'Brien: You called, sir?
Mirror Sisko: Smiley!
Mirror O'Brien: For the last time, that's just what you named me.
Kira: You mean it's okay to name other people? Sweet! I hereby --
Mirror Kira: (over comm) Sisko, report to my office for a... debriefing.
Mirror Sisko: Woo! You know I'm not picky enough to care, mirror girl.
Kira: -- really feel like throwing up.
Mirror Kira: Behold my nude self.
Kira: Er.... Can't say it's anything I haven't seen before.
Mirror Kira: You know, you're one of my more difficult flirtees. Anyway, why'd you ask Quark for a transporter?
Kira: Well for starters, this place is really, really creeping me out.
Mirror Kira: Oh, don't worry. You need to learn to accept me -- to love me!
Kira: Ahh! Nonononono--
Mirror Kira: Hmm.... Well there's no use asking Quark for a transporter. He only deals in belts, and he'll be dead soon enough anyway.
Kira: You're going to kill Quark?
Mirror Kira: All for you, dear. All for you.
Kira: I'm flattered.
Mirror Garak: I've got something to tell you: the Intendent is in love with you.
Kira: No, no. Ick. Ick. Ick.
Mirror Garak: Well what do you expect from the twelve-time recipient of the "Biggest Narcissist in Existence Award"?
Kira: I kinda get the impression that's not all you came here to tell me.
Mirror Garak: Right.... I'm going to kill her so you can take her place.
Kira: I would've thought mirror-universe Cardassians would be loveable, not despicable.
Mirror Garak: If you'd like I can be that too....
Kira: No! ICK! ICK! ICK!....
Kira: Garak intends to kill the Intendant.
Mirror Sisko: Knew it.
Kira: I need a runabout.
Mirror Sisko: Guessed it.
Kira: Will you help me?
Mirror Sisko: Doubt it.
Kira: Thanks for nothing.
Mirror Sisko: Don't mention it.
Mirror Odo: Let's move these people out!
Bashir: Heheheh. Insurrection time (aims stolen phaser).
Mirror Odo: Hey now, wait a -- GAK!
Bashir: Wow, what a great way to vent anger!
Mirror O'Brien: Take me with you.
Bashir: Give me one good reason.
Mirror O'Brien: Human shield?
Bashir: I'll take it.
Klingon Guard: You'll need it.
Bashir and Mirror O'Brien: Crud.
Mirror Kira: To think I trusted you Terrans!
Bashir: Gee, that sounds plausible.
Mirror Kira: Shut up or die.
Bashir: And if I do shut up?
Mirror Kira: Then you still die.
Bashir: Woo! Good thing I didn't shut up.
Mirror Kira: That's it, you die.
Mirror Sisko: (Aims phaser) Shut up.
Mirror Kira: To think I trusted you Sisko!
Mirror Sisko: Hey, don't start with me.
Kira: Woo, freedom!
Mirror Sisko: Yes. Thank you for freeing us.
Kira: Huh? Oh, congrats to you too.
Kira: Well, it sure is good to be back.
Sisko: (over the comm) Where have you two been? Report to my office immediately for a debriefing!
(The runabout returns to the station at a Reluctant Speed)