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Five-Minute "Improbable Cause"

by Zeke

Garak: Take the Caesar play, for example. Who stabs someone only 23 times? I'm sorry, but this Shakespeare does nothing for me.
Bashir: I'm told it plays better in the original Cardassian. Now I'd better get back to work.
Garak: You humans eat your meals so fast. What's wrong with relaxing and taking your time?
Bashir: I figure the sooner Quark's food is through my digestive system, the better.

Kira: Ah, Doctor, good. I need your medical expertise. Remember those alien guests I told you about?
Bashir: The ones who need a special atmosphere?
Kira: Yeah. One of them gave me this crossword puzzle. What's a four-letter word for "A long spar extending from a mast"?
Garak's Shop: BOOM
Kira: Hey, that fits! Thanks, shop. Wait, shop? Uh oh.

Sisko: What a mess. I'm glad I can delegate the cleaning work. Mr. O'Brien?
O'Brien: Nothing conclusive so far, sir. I've found traces of nitrilin, which means it wasn't an accident, but --
Sisko: Chief! Bore me later. Get a mop now.
Odo: Not an accident, eh? That means someone did it on purpose. And it's Garak's shop, so -- GASP! Someone wanted to kill Garak!
Sisko: Hmm... I don't quite follow, but I have faith in your deductive skills.

Garak: Enemies? Don't be silly. I have no enemies at all.
Odo: But clearly someone wants you dead.
Garak: Isn't that what friends do?

Bashir: Odo just wants to help, Garak. This is no time to lie just because lying is cool.
Garak: There's more to it than that. Telling the truth, you see, is uncool.
Bashir: If all the cool people lied about jumping off a bridge, would you do the same?
Garak: Of course not.
Bashir: Liar.

Odo: These are pictures of everyone who arrived on the station recently. Would any of them be likely to kill you?
Garak: Hmm... aha! This human has often frowned in my direction. Arrest her at once.
O'Brien: Odo, I've -- say, is that Keiko on the monitor? Anyway, the CSI team has found traces of a pheromonic sensor.
Odo: Those are usually used by Flaxians. And there's one on the station!
Garak: Arrest him at once! There should be room for one more in Mrs. O'Brien's cell.

Flaxian: Assassin? Me? I'm a simple perfume salesman -- I assassinate only B.O.
Odo: We'll come back to your complicity in the death of Kai Opaka's cousin Biff later. Right now I want some perfume. How 'bout we mix these three?
Flaxian: Whoa! Bad idea. Those are the ingredients of Lwaxana Troi's latest perfume, Exaggeration.
Odo: A likely story! I'm betting they create a deadly poison!
Flaxian: What did I just say?

Quark: The Flaxian was in my bar all day. If he planted any bombs, he did it with really long, invisible arms.
Odo: Did you see any of those, Garak?
Garak: (shrug)
Odo: That does it! Until you start telling the truth, I'm done helping you. I'm going to release that Flaxian.
Garak: What? How am I supposed to protect myself now?
Odo: You could always hire an arms inspector.

O'Brien: I've planted that transponder on his ship. I take it you'll go wherever he will go?
Odo: That's my calling.

Odo: Hey!
Garak: Hello, Constable. You're just in time to help me with this cryptic crossword.
Odo: Get out of my runabout! I have a criminal to hunt!
Garak: And I have a clue to solve. Let's see... four letters, and the clue is "Loud noise of ghost shouting at Melissa first"....
Flaxian's Ship: BOOM
Garak: Of course! Thanks, ship! Wait, ship? Uh oh.

Dax: I've scanned the debris. The sensor readings were deceptive....
Sisko: Romulans!
Garak: Why would the Romulans want to kill the Flaxian? Or me? Frankly, the only one they have a motive to kill is you.
Sisko: Us?
Garak: When was the last time you actually brought that Romulan observer on a Defiant mission?

Tal Shiar Officer: (over the comm) Hey, that's a good question. When was the last time you --
Sisko: Let's not change the subject. Did you kill the Flaxian?
Tal Shiar Officer: Yes.
Sisko: Oh, come on. We have clear evidence. It's no good denying your --
Odo: She said yes, Commander.
Sisko: Really? Huh. I guess that response is so rare it isn't in the Universal Translator's database yet.

Odo: That didn't help much. I'd like to see if I can get anything from my Cardassian informant.
Sisko: You have a Cardassian informant? Who?
Odo: He won't tell me his name. I know him only as "Ridged Throat."

Informant: The Romulans didn't just go after Garak. They killed several other former Obsidian Order members.
Odo: Do you have their names?
Informant: They're on this PADD. I'm going to step out of the shadows to hand it to you, so close your eyes.
Odo: Pardon? I didn't hear -- Hey, you're Gul Rosot!
Informant: Hey! Unfair! You weren't supposed to look!
Odo: Sorry. I'll try to forget before the next time I see you.

Garak: These names do sound familiar. I think we were in the same quilting bee once.
Odo: Dammit, Garak, you can't fool me any more! You blew up your own shop just to get my attention! There are easier ways, you know.
Garak: Yes, but I wouldn't get any insurance money from disguising myself as Major Kira.

Odo: So who are these people really?
Garak: We all worked for Enabran Tain. On the railroad. All the live long day.
Odo: So that's how you were railroaded out of Cardassia.
Garak: Indeed. I hope Tain is all right... may I use your comm system to find out?
Odo: If it's working. Chief O'Brien was supposed to fix it three days ago and he hasn't shown up.
O'Brien: (over the comm) Maybe if you'd let my wife out of jail, I would!

Garak: Hello, Mila. How's Da-- Tain?
Mila: (over the comm) I don't know, and I'm worried. Can you please find him?
Garak: Oh, certainly. It's not like you're the one who's actually on Cardassia and I'm the one lightyears away.
Mila: Obey your m-- former boss's housekeeper.

Bashir: Anything you want me to do while you're gone? Gravity plating recalibrated? Carpets cleaned?
Garak: Surprise me.
Bashir: You got it. (makes note) "Blow up... Garak's shop... again."

Odo: Who is Tain to you, anyway? Why are you risking your life for the man who exiled you?
Garak: Think of it this way, Odo. Your people essentially exiled you, and didn't even tell you how to find them again. But wouldn't you help them if they needed it?
Odo: No. They keep asking me and I say no every time.
Garak: Ah, but wait till you've been doing that for ten years or so. It gets old.

Odo: Entering the system... wait! Is that a Romulan ship decloaking?
Garak: Not now, Odo. Let's see... four letters, clue is "Grasp North end of actors' organization"....
Romulan Tractor Beam: SNAG
Garak: Aha! Thanks, Romulan tractor beam!
Odo: When we get back to the the station, I'm banning those damn crosswords. Especially the cryptic ones.
Garak: No other kind is truly worthwhile.

Tain: Welcome back, Garak! Care to join me on a mad Cardassian/Romulan quest to destroy the Founders?
Garak: Give me a minute to recover from all the new information I just absorbed. Okay, done. Yes.
Odo: You fool! How do you know he won't betray you again?
Garak: Odo, Odo, Odo. Tain has clearly got his act together now. He won't --
Tain: That sounds funny. Odo Odo Odo. Ododododododo....
Odo: Oh, yes. A real paragon of sanity, this one.
Garak: Well, I'm still joining him.


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This fiver was originally published on June 20, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Zeke.