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Five-Minute "In Purgatory's Shadow"

by Derek Dean

Odo: It's good being a changeling again. No more beds, no more food,...
Kira: No more sex?
Odo: I wasn't a solid long enough for that anyway.
Kira: But you have this book Men are from Vulcan, Women are from Betazed.
Odo: Meh. We changelings run in our own circles.

Dax: We found this Cardassian signal coming from the Gamma Quadrant.
Message: G@r@k, it's T@in. I got c@ptured @nd put on @ pen@l colony.
Odo: Crap. This is unlike all security codes I'm familiar with. We'd better get Garak to decrypt it.

Ziyal: So what did the message say?
Garak: Unfortunately, it was just a copy of Encyclopedia Cardassia.
Bashir: Kind of a short message for an entire encyclopedia, isn't it?
Garak: Well, most of it is classified.

Garak: Heh. Dodged the security net. Now I just need to force open this door, override the shuttle's codes, and....
Bashir: Get caught.
Garak: Crap. What gave me away?
Bashir: You were talking to yourself the whole way from the Promenade.

Garak: ....so the message was really sent by Tain, who is stuck on a penal colony.
Sisko: Let me get this straight: You're a spy and you talk to yourself while you're doing spy work?
Garak: Sigh. Yes.
Sisko: I can't believe I thought you were a cool, professional spy!
Garak: Can I just have a runabout and go rescue Tain?
Sisko: Sure. As long as you steal it while talking to yourself!
Garak: Okay! Good!
Sisko: ....and take Worf with you.
Garak: Crap.

Ziyal: Garak, there's something I've been meaning to say to you....
Garak: Oh please, you know what happens everytime someone starts to say something like that, don't you?
Ziyal: No, what?
Garak: That or something similar.

Garak: I was thinking of applying to Starfleet. Could you recommend me, Worf?
Worf: Ha! What use would the Federation have for a ruthless, amoral spy?
Garak: Too true. I couldn't imagine the Federation ever being so underhanded.

Worf: Here's the border to Dominion space. Time to go back.
Garak: But we can hide in that nebula! What could be wrong with that?
Worf: I think it's that little sign saying "Abandon hope all who enter here."
Garak: I'm sure they don't really mean that. Let's just ask one of those Dominion ships flying about and make sure.

Jem'Hadar: Surrender!
Garak: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.
Garak: What was that for? We were just lost in the dark woods and can't find our trail of bread crumbs!
Worf: Sigh. At least I've sent a message to warn the station....

O'Brien: We're receiving another message from the Gamma Quadrant!
Message: It'$ Worf. Jem'Hadar $hip$ are poi$ed for a $urpri$e attack!
Sisko: Not another one!

Itak'ika: Welcome to Internment Camp 371.
Garak: Kind of dark, isn't it?
Itak'ika: Nah, only when that big mountain is blocking the sun.
Garak: And let me guess, you call the mountain Purgatory?
Itak'ika: How'd you guess?

Ziyal: Look, I know you're upset about Garak, but he's really a nice guy.
Dukat: Get out of here.
Ziyal: But, father...
Dukat: No, really, get out of here. The station is going to be attacked by the Dominion!

Itak'ika: Welcome to Barracks 6, or, as we like to call it, Limbo.
Garak: Ugh. Limbo? How low can you go?
Itak'ika: Pretty low. You want me to bring out some mystery guests too?
Worf: No.
Martok: Too late.

Martok: And here's Mystery Guest Number 2... Enabran Tain!
Worf: Oooh!
Garak: See, but that wasn't a surprise because we knew Tain sent the message.
Martok: Shhh!

Sisko: Well, if the Dominion's coming, then I guess our only choice is to lock the wormhole.
Kira: As much as you're the Emissary, it's not like you've got the keys to the Celestial Temple.
Sisko: In that case... We must destroy the wormhole!
Kira: You're just saying that so the second part of "The Search" won't be a complete reset button, aren't you?
Sisko: Um, no, of course not.

Martok: Time to reveal Mystery Guest Number 3!
Garak: I'm getting sick of this mystery guest thing.
Martok: Then maybe you need a doctor like... Dr. Bashir!
Worf: Great, now I'm going to have to review all of the station's logs for the past few months to try and see if I should've known.

Martok: So Dr. Bashir and I were on Risa when these females came over and seduced us and then shapeshifted into men, and we woke up here.
Worf: I find that hard to believe since there seems to be a difference of two years, two days, and two nights between the times you were abducted.
Martok: Best two years of my life!

Bashir Changeling: Who wants sandwiches?
Dax: They're not drugged, are they?
Bashir Changeling: Why would they be drugged? I'm still the normal old Bashir, as always.
Dax: That's why I'm asking.

Ziyal: I've decided that I'm going to stay here so I can be with Garak when he comes back.
Dukat: Grr. Fine! Be whipped by your carnal desire until you are brought to destruction!
Ziyal: Uh, father? Are you planning on becoming a preacher?
Dukat: Preacher? Ha! I'd settle for nothing less than cult leader!

Tain: Garak, I'm dying, so it's time to make a big reveal -- I am your father!
Garak: Uh, I already knew that. I'm much more interested in who my mother is.
Tain: Oh, that was -- GAK!

Sisko: Ready to seal the wormhole?
O'Brien: 47 million tons of mashed potatoes ready for your order.
Sisko: Fire!
Dax: Oh no! It didn't work! Someone replaced the potatoes with valve sealant!
Sisko: Who could've done that? Quick, get me a list of everyone not on a low-carb diet!
Kira: Too late! The Jem'Hadar are already coming from far beyond the stars.
(The Jem'Hadar locusts shoot out of the wormhole at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 22, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.