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Five-Minute "By Inferno's Light"

by Derek Dean

O'Brien: The Dominion fleet is heading away from the station!
Sisko: Well, that was anticlimatic....
Kira: (over the comm) Dukat's joining the Dominion.
Sisko: Never mind.

Garak: Alright, here's the plan. We reprogram Tain's transmitter to contact the runabout in orbit.
Worf: Runabout in orbit? Isn't that a bit too convenient?
Garak: Doctor Bashir says it's Divine Providence. I think it means he's working for the Dominion.

Deyos: Attention, indolent Cardassians. Due to our new treaty with Cardassia, we have decided to heed its prayers for your quick ascent to our ships, which will take you back to Cardassia.
Garak: Thank God. I am so ready to purge myself of the memory of this godforsaken place.
Deyos: Uh, not you. Since Gul Dukat is in charge of Cardassia, I'm afraid you've been excommunicated and given a punishment of 30 life sentences.
Garak: Damn!

Dukat: (over the comm) Friends, Cardassians, countrymen, lend me your ears. Now that I have sold out Cardassia to the Dominion for a place of power again, I think we should all start remembering the golden rule: Now that I have the gold, I make the rules.

Bashir Changeling: Obviously, due to the sabotage earlier, one of us is a Changeling spy.
Kira: In contrast to a Changeling who isn't a spy?
Odo: Ahem.
Kira: Don't play so innocent. I've got my eye on you.

Martok: It's time for you to fight the Jem'Hadar.
Worf: Excellent. What are the rules of engagement?
Martok: I'd tell you, but the first two rules explicitly say I can't talk about it.

Jem'Hadar Man: I hate you, Klingon Man.
Worf: Then why is it whenever we have a fight, I win?
Jem'Hadar Man: I guess I'm just a degraded man.

Ziyal: I keep hoping Garak will come through that wormhole.
Kira: Maybe he will. It's not over until the Klingons arrive.
Station Log: The Klingons have arrived.
Kira: Er, better make that the Romulans.

Sisko: Greetings, Gowron. Wanna resume our previous treaty so we can share ships, resources, and tactics to overthrow the Dominion?
Gowron: Ha! Do you think I can be bought so easily?
Sisko: I'll throw in a cookie.
Gowron: Sold!

Jem'Hadar: Fighting you is one of the most hellish things I've done.
Worf: Don't take this as a dis, but you fight like you're underwater.
Jem'Hadar: Styx and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Worf: Good grief, are you twelve?
Jem'Hadar: Ha! I wish!

Garak: Come on, Garak. Get a hold of yourself. Sure you're alone in a tomb-like space, but it's not like you have to claw your way out of your tomb again. And besides, you can live with it... you can live with it.

Garak: What just happened?
Bashir: You were yelling about being alive or something before you passed out.
Garak: I guess you're pretty surprised to learn I'm claustrophobic, aren't you?
Bashir: Not half as surprised as I was to learn that you talk to yourself when you do spy work.

Dukat: (over the comm) Hi Captain! Wanna surrender the Federation to the Dominion?
Sisko: Definitely not!
Dukat: Awww. Wanna surrender the station back to me?
Sisko: No.
Dukat: Shucks. Then can I have a cookie?
Sisko: Sigh. I suppose.
Dukat: YES!

Martok: You're doing great, Worf. Just think of the epic song that will be sung about us! I bet it'll be 100 cantos long.
Worf: I'm just interested in the part that talks about how this ends.
Martok: You mean the part with the Holy Pilgrim?

Quark: This sucks. The Dominion's going to take over the station and I'm going to be out of business.
Ziyal: Oh come on, you always say that. When the Klingons attacked, you thought they were going to take over the station; when the Cardassians attacked, you thought they were going to take over the station; when the Skreeans came on board, you thought they were going to take over the station.
Quark: They were!

Garak: Tain, I don't know if you can hear me, but --
Tain's Ghost: What is it, Garak?
Garak: Nothing.

Station Log: The Romulans have arrived.

Jem'Hadar: Where's Garak?
Bashir: He's not in the wall compartment!
Jem'Hadar: Oh, he's in the wall compartment, is he?
Bashir: Look, would I fill the compartment with gas if my friend Garak were in there?
Jem'Hadar: You might, Doctor, you might...
Bashir: Well, would I throw a lit match in there if my friend Garak was in there?

Deyos: Worf's through. Kill him.
Worf: Would you like to kill me now, or wait till you get home?
Deyos: Kill him now! Kill him now!
Worf: You stay out of this, he doesn't have to kill you now.
Deyos: Well, I say he does have to kill me now!
Deyos: OW!

Bashir: And would I lob live grenades into the wall if my friend Garak were in there?
Jem'Hadar: Well, I guess not -- GAK!
Breen: Blah... Mwuh... Ugh... Mwar... Blurgh. (Belch.)
Other Jem'Hadar and Breen: GAK!
Bashir: Poor Breen. He only had a few years left on his sentence here too.

Deyos: Let's try that again. Kill Worf!
Worf: Would you like to kill me now, or wait till you get home?
Deyos: Kill him now! Kill him now!
Worf: You stay out of this, he doesn't have to kill you now.
Deyos: Ha! Caught you! It's not "he doesn't have to kill you now;" it's "he doesn't have to kill me now." Well I say he does have to kill me now!
Deyos: GAK!
Worf: Good thing you beamed me out when you did. I couldn't take much more of that cartoon violence.

O'Brien: The Dominion fleet is all around, but I can't actually see them.
Sisko: Try again with the blast shield down. Your eyes can deceive you.
O'Brien: No, it's the sensors that are deceiving me.
Sisko: Come on, sensors don't deceive people, people deceive people.
O'Brien: No, look, this one says that Bashir is sending me a message from the Gamma Quadrant saying that he's been replaced by a Changeling, but he's still in the Alpha Quadrant.
Sisko: Uh....

Dax: The Bashir Changeling's trying to blow up the sun! He's got trilithium missiles!
Kira: Then let's destroy the shuttle for everyone here and their future generations!
Shuttle: BOOM!

Garak: Ziyal! Are you sight for sore eyes!
Bashir: Chief! Are you a sight for sore eyes!
Worf: Dax! Are you a sight for sore eyes!
Martok: Gowron! Are you a sight for sore eye!

Dukat: You may have escaped this time, but I will take you down as surely as my name is Gul Dukat. Mwahahahahahaha!
Sisko: Stop re-establishing yourself! Your threats are nothing to me.
Dukat: Grrr. One way or another one of us will be seeing stars.
(The episode ends at Ominous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 23, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean.