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Five-Minute "The Homecoming"

by Marc Richard

Rionoj: Hello, Quark. Would you do me a favour in exchange for a little oo-mox?
Quark: Gladly. Seeing you walk around in that catsuit is already the next best thing to oo-mox.
Rionoj: My fashion designer will be pleased to hear that. I'll pass along your compliment the next time I'm on Vulcan.

Quark: A Boslic freighter captain asked me to give you this Bajoran earring.
Kira: Gasp! Where did it come from? Answer me!
Quark: Why do you want to know so badly? I've never seen a piece of jewelry cause such a fuss since the Ferengi sex toy industry invented the first vibrating earri--
Quark: OWWW! All right, I'll talk, I'll talk! Now let go of my lobes!

Kira: I've just found out that Li Nalas is being held prisoner on Cardassia IV. I need to borrow a Runabout to go rescue him.
Sisko: Li Nalas? The greatest resistance leader in the history of Bajor? The man who slew the notorious GulZarale in single combat? But I thought he was killed in action years ago!
Kira: So did I. Now we can add "coming back from the dead" to his long list of accomplishments.
Sisko: I didn't think there was any room left on his c.v. to squeeze in another item.
Kira: I've spoken to the Provisional Government, sir. They've already agreed to print a new expanded edition.

O'Brien: Look at the graffiti we found on the wall, sir.
Sisko: (reading) "Bajor for Bajorans! Federation go home!" Who could have done this?
Odo: I suspect it's the Alliance for Global Unity, a radical Bajoran nationalist faction. Their nickname is "The Circle."
Sisko: Why "The Circle?"
Odo: They have an obsessive habit of writing slogans made up only of words that contain the letter "O".
O'Brien: I don't like it, sir. It sounds like we're dealing with a bunch of dangerous lunatics.
Sisko: Calm down, Chief. These people may simply be expressing a political opinion, that's all.
O'Brien: I also don't like the fact that the "O" in "Federation" is painted like a bull's-eye.

Sisko: All right, Major. Li Nalas is the one man who can unite the feuding Bajoran factions, so you and Chief O'Brien have my permission to change into civilian clothes and, uh, take a little holiday trip.
Kira: Holiday? Oh...I get it. You're sending us on a deniable mission.
Sisko: I am NOT!
Kira: Good answer.

Cardassian Guard: You two! What is your business here?
O'Brien: The lady has an appointment with the labour camp prefect. Let us in.
Guard: Very well...but first I need to search her for concealed weapons, if you know what I mean.
Kira: Oooh, you naughty boy. Let me take off my jacket and come a little closer so you can frisk me.
Guard: Wow...what a knock-out!

Kira: We're here to rescue Li Nalas!
Bajoran Prisoner: Thank goodness, you got the earring I sent! Take Li home, quickly! Leave the rest of us here if you have to!
Li: I refuse to be given special treatment! Either we all escape or we all stay!
Prisoner: All right, then let's beam up to your ship in alphabetical order.
O'Brien: Sounds fair. What are the first letters in the Bajoran alphabet?
Prisoner: "L" and "N," of course.

Sisko: Welcome back, Major. Listen to this.
Dukat: (on viewscreen) As I was saying, we were shocked by your discovery that that Bajorans were being held in such appalling conditions by a rogue Cardassian prefect.
Kira: Shocked by their illegal detention or shocked that we found out about it?
Dukat: Major, please don't get sarcastic with me while I'm in the middle of scapegoating a junior officer.

Minister Jaro: This is a great moment for Bajor. Where is Li Nalas?
Kira: Over there, where all those people are. They won't leave until he speaks, so Commander Sisko asked him to say a couple of words.
Li: (addressing the crowd) Uh...well....
Jaro: (applauding) Brilliant! Thank you! Now before beginning my own speech, I'd like to make a few opening remarks....

Li: It's wonderful to hear that the Cardassians have finally left Bajor. After decades of totalitarian oppression, we now have freedom, democracy....
Sisko: ...factionalism, political unrest, religious extremism, economic chaos. Now do you understand what I meant when I said that Bajor needs strong leadership?
Li: I'm starting to. Unfortunately, the last time Bajor experienced those conditions, we also decided that what we needed was strong leadership.
Sisko: So who did Bajor turn to? A political demagogue? A military dictator?
Li: Worse than that. We invited the Cardassians to come run the planet for us.

Bashir: Quark's going to be all right, sir. Some masked men attacked him in his bar and branded him with an "O".
Odo: They also stuck these leaflets all over the walls.
Sisko: (reading) "Patriots, join together to overthrow Sisko!"
Kira: Sounds like they're getting serious. They used a word with two "O"s this time.
Quark: Well, I wish these fanatics would lobby for something more useful -- like "Oo-mox for everyone."
Odo: Interesting choice of words. You wouldn't happen to be a Circle sympathizer, would you?
Quark: Pfft. At least my name doesn't have a suspiciously high O-to-consonant ratio, like some people I could mention.

Sisko: Why did you try to stow away on a ship leaving for the Gamma Quadrant?
Li: I've learned that the Provisional Government wants to carve two giant statues of me in the cliffs that flank the Great River on Bajor. I don't want to be a statue.
Sisko: If for no other reason, you deserve it for your legendary duel with Gul Zarale.
Li: But it never was a duel! I accidentally caught him skinny-dipping and he died of embarrassment!
Sisko: Then why does everyone think you fought him hand-to-hand for twelve days and twelve nights? Did you lie about what happened?
Li: No, but it was the Resistance's first victory in months, so our propaganda people took a few liberties with my report.
Sisko: It also sounds like they had help from one or two Klingons along the way.

Sisko: Bajor needs you, Li. It needs a symbol to which your people can rally.
Li: But I'm not the great man they think I am!
Sisko: That doesn't matter. Someone once said, "Don't try to be a great man; just be a man and let history make its own judgments." Do you know who that modest-sounding individual was?
Li: No, but I'm sure it wasn't Gul Dukat.

Jaro: I'm pleased to announce that the Chamber of Ministers has bestowed the title of Navarch upon Li Nalas.
Kira: I've never heard anyone called that.
Jaro: All existing designations were inadequate, so we created a new one. It means "He Who Answers Directly to the Prophets."
Sisko: Congratulations. It's a title that must give you considerable latitude of action.
Li: Yes, but it's going to make it awfully tricky to submit my first annual report.
Kira: Perhaps the Emissary could offer him some helpful hints on that subject.
Jaro: We agree that the Navarch should spend more time with Commander Sisko, Major.
Kira: Good.
Jaro: That's why we're giving him your job.
Kira: WHAT?
(Kira's career plans nosedive at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 15, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Marc Richard.