Home Prev 5MD: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute "The Siege"

by Kira

Sisko: Good news, everyone! Look what I got in the mail this morning -- the provisional government has invited us to remain on the station.
O'Brien: Sir, it says it's an unvitation.
Sisko: What? Those jerks! That does it, we're going commando.
Bashir: Do you mean --
Sisko: In the army sense, Doctor.
Bashir: Ah.

Quark: There aren't enough runabouts for everyone to get off the station, Rom. Do you know what this means?
Rom: One of us is going to have a whirlwind romance before dying tragically?
Quark: No, idiot! We're going to be rich!
Rom: By finding a priceless blue diamond?
Quark: Shut up. Just shut up.

Jake: Looks like we're on different ships.
Nog: I guess this is goodbye for now.
Jake: Nog, I'd just like to say... you're the best bad influence a guy could ever have.
Nog: And you're the best patsy a troublemaker could ask for.
Music: Near... far... wherever you are....
Odo: Break it up, you two, before this gets out of hand.

Keiko: Miles, are you sure you won't leave with us?
O'Brien: You know I want to, but I have a duty to Starfleet and to Commander Sisko that I can't ignore.
Keiko: You'd be more convincing if you weren't already watching sports in your underwear.
O'Brien: (cracking a beer) Have a nice trip, honey.

Sisko: Dax, Kira... I have a special mission for you.
Dax: Deus ex machina! Deus ex machina!
Sisko: Sorry, comic relief. Go find an old beater shuttle. Kira, don't forget to talk about your time in the rebellion.
Kira: Woo hoo, character development!
Dax: Nuts.
Sisko: Oh, all right, you can do the deus ex machina thing too.
Dax: Woo hoo!

Sisko: What's Quark done now, Constable?
Quark: Look, if this is about my overbooking seats, you've obviously never flown Air Ferenginar.
Odo: Actually, Quark, I'd like you to explain these.
Sisko: A wig, high heels, and a woman's dress?
Quark: Hey, if you don't approve of that sort of thing then you should update your "women and children first" policy.

Bajorans: Let us through! We want off this dump!
Sisko: We've got to do something before this turns into a mass panic.
Bashir: ...sir?
Sisko: Well, more of a mass panic. Li, you're up.
Li: Um... er...
Bajorans: Brilliant! Well said! Let's stay.

Quark: Wait! Wait for me! I'm supposed to be on that ship with my brother!
Bashir: Rom's already on board with a Dabo girl.
Quark: And you let him go?
Bashir: I assumed it was you in drag.
Quark: (sniff) My own brother... ditching me for a Dabo girl....
Bashir: I'm sorry, Quark.
Quark: Sorry? I've never been so proud of him....

Colonel Day: Everything appears to be in order here. It's a good thing those Starfleet wimps didn't try anything stupid, like leaving behind a bunch of commandos to retake the station.
General Krim: Sir, have you ever heard the phrase "tempting fate"?
Day: Sorry, did you say something? I was singing the "Nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, good-bye" song in my head.

Dax: You expect us to fly this hunk of junk? What if it breaks down in mid-flight?
Kira: Well, you have to compare it to other modes of travel, such as hurling yourself naked through the vacuum. Or flying in a shuttle with Chakotay.
Dax: True. Well, I guess we'll just have to buckle up and hope for the best.
Kira: Yep. "Buckle up" in the metaphorical sense, of course.
Dax: Sigh.

Day: The internal sensors have been sabotaged, but if they were functioning I'm confident they would show that everything is perfectly normal.
Jaro: (over the comm) Well done, men.
Krim: Sir, I think we should search the station.
Jaro: Oh, very well. But based on the information we have so far, we're totally kicking butt, right?
Day: Oh yes, sir!
Jaro: Excellent.

Jaro: Our plan of world domination and Starfleet butt-kicking is proceeding without a hitch.
Winn: Mwahahahahahahaha!
Jaro: Mwahahahahahahaha!
Winn: Silence! Only I may cackle.

O'Brien: What are we going to do now, Commander?
Sisko: We're going to do what we do every night, Chief: try and take over the station.
O'Brien: That's not what we do every night. In fact, we've never done that.
Bashir: (over the comm) I thought it was a perfectly good punchline, sir.
Sisko: Why, thank you, Doctor.
O'Brien: Suckup.

Bajoran Soldier: What the...? Who the hell are you?
Bashir: Bashir. Julian Bashir. You have the right to remained suckered, suckers.
Sisko: (over the comm) Good work, Doctor.
Bashir: Thank you, sir. I was going to go with "I'm Julian Bashir! Don't you read history?" but then I thought --
Sisko: I meant capturing the Bajorans.
Bashir: Oh.

Dax: The Bajorans are gaining on us! I hope you've got a plan!
Kira: Of course I have a plan. I'm going to try a strategic dive into the troposphere followed by a sudden arboreal stop.
Dax: So... you're going to crash us into some trees.
Kira: And how.

Bajoran Soldier: Colonel, someone's in one of the holosuites.
Day: Aha! They're trapped!
Sisko: (over the comm) Trapped like a fox!
Day: What the..? Let us out of here!
Sisko: Not until I've delivered this message. "Honorable ministers, distinguished Vedeks, I come to you under the gravest of circumstances. The..." Oops, wrong message. Here... no, that's not it either. I know I have it here somewhere....
Day: Improvise, dammit!
Sisko: (ahem) Suckers! You've been buying weapons from the Cardassians! Looosers!

Kira: What the... Bareil? Where am I? How did you get here?
Bareil: I was in the forest meditating on an ancient riddle when your shuttle went down. I found you and brought you here to the monestary.
Kira: It's lucky that our shuttle crashed in that forest.
Bareil: And that I was there to hear it.

Jaro: What is she doing here? Guards!
Kira: I'm not leaving until I deliver this message. "Colonel Day, years ago you served your people in the Cardassian Wars. Now they beg you to help them in their struggle against..." Wait, this isn't the right message....

Krim: You! How dare you not pass on Commander Sisko's message!
Day: I told you what he said.
Krim: All you said was "Suckers! Looosers!"
Day: I sort of zoned out in the middle of the message. It's possible I missed a few details.

Krim: Well, Commander, the provisional government is giving up their claim to the station while these allegations are further examined.
Sisko: I'm glad we were able to resolve this peacef--
Phaser: zzzzaaaaapppp
Bashir: The slow motion's over, sir.
Sisko: Damn, I never seem to be able to nail that.

Sisko: Well, all's well that ends well.
O'Brien: What are you talking about? Li Nalas is dead, and we still haven't rid Bajor of factionalism, political unrest, religious extremism, and economic chaos.
Sisko: Yes, but until everyone else gets back, we've got the station to ourselves. Baseball on the Promenade, anyone?
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


Previous fiver: The Circle
Next fiver: Cardassians


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, the author, Kira.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Deep Space Nine
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "The Siege"

This fiver was originally published on June 17, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Carolyn Paterson.